The Shirt I Wear Inside Out

Hello long-lost Blogging audience,

Tonight I can't sleep and I started writing this blog in my head so I decided to come back from the blogging world dead and write it out for people to actually read.

A few summers ago, I got a hand-me down shirt from a dear friend. I liked that it was black, I needed a black t-shirt. It was super comfy. It fit me well which is always a win so I decided to keep it. The only thing was that it proudly read across the front, "Everything boys do, girls can do better." At least, I think that's what it says. I don't agree with that on a couple different levels, the first one being that it's prideful to boast and I don't need any help being proud. My mom fixed my problem by suggesting I keep the shirt but wear it inside out. I can't remember exactly what the shirt says it has been so long since I saw it right side out.
Why am I writing about this tonight?
Tonight was the world premier of the Disney Channel Original movie, "The Teen Beach Movie." One of the lines that was said several times through out the movie by the main girl was, "Girls can do anything boys can." Now, in her case she was talking about surfing in the 1960's, but every time they said it I cringed because that's a message that has been shouted at girls since before I was born and it's a lie.
Before you think I don't believe woman can do anything except stay in the kitchen and have babies and  that they shouldn't work outside the home or be pastors or leaders in any way, please know that that's not true. Believe me, I grew up with someone close to me believing that and it hindered me a lot until I realized he was wrong. Yes, women can have jobs and work along side men but not simply because they want to be better than men. If God wanted us all to be like men, or better than men, He would have made us all men. There would be no women. He had the chance to keep the entire population of the world made up of males who were made in His image. But something was missing, so He made women after His own image. Together, we create something good. Men and women.
I understand that we get hurt by men. We get shoved down, talked down, put down and looked down on and that's not right. But we need men in this world. Not to be better than them, but to work along side of them. And the best thing is, men are great at certain things and women are great at others. It takes a very special kind of man to handle a screaming baby. But hand him to a woman, there's a natural instinct to mother and nurture the little one. Then there comes a day when that baby is older and the voice of a father speaking life, destiny, direction and encouragement will make all the difference in whether that boy finishes high school or that little girl keeps her virginity.

We need fathers. We need husbands. We need sons. And we need to know that together we made something that was "not good" into something that was good. That good thing happens when men are confident in who they are as men made in the image of God and women are confident of who they are as women made in the image of God.
Part of being a woman who is confident is knowing her worth. She knows she's worth more than being with a guy who constantly disrespects her or only uses her as an object. She knows she can accept the honor and attention of a man graciously and respond in purity. She knows she can work hard and work long and lay herself down for the good of others without losing who she is or giving up the dreams God has put into her heart. She carries the fragile yet strong feminine heart and blesses the men in her life for carrying inside of them the brave yet tender masculine heart, both made in the image of God.

And that's why I wear my shirt inside out.
Love,
Me

Immaturity

Dear Blogging Audience,

When I was little, I struggled with feeling accepted in my immaturity. I didn't think people could really enjoy me when I was acting silly or if I made a mistake. That's just what happens in a broken and fallen world when you are surrounded by people who are broken. From the time I was little, I remember feeling this pressure to get it right or not try, be perfect or stay away. Because I thought that's how people around me perceived me, I pushed that onto God.

I went through a phase in my teenage years where I was afraid to read the bible because I didn't want to read it and not understand it. There were things I wouldn't pray about right away because I felt like I needed to figure it all out. There are times when I feel like I finally catch the hang of things and then, boom, I fall flat on my face again. "Don't look, God!" I always think as I try to figure out what the heck I did wrong. "Just a second, I'll get myself all fixed up in a minute."
 I had heard the phrase, "God hates insincerity, not immaturity." and I didn't believe it. How could He really enjoy me if I didn't understand things or figure everything out? I forget that God isn't like man. He isn't like me.

During an assignment where we focused on the Father's Heart, I spent time reading the story of the Prodigal Son. That boy was immature, no question about that, but when he came back to his father he was sincere and his father knew that. I had to really look at my heart and realize I didn't believe that. I didn't believe that God rejoiced and threw a party when I came back from feeding pigs after wasting all of His money.

I can't look a child in the eye and tell them that God is a good Father who rejoices over them if I don't believe that about myself. Sure, I believed He loved me but enjoyed me? No. I wasn't convinced. That's when I began to write down truths in my journal. "Forget what I think." I told myself. "I need to know what is really true."

It was in that time of reading verses, meditating on them and declaring them over myself that my heart began to believe truth.

"Everyday I am beautiful and accepted in my immaturity."

Children are immature. That's just how it is. But God wants us to be like them. Another thing about children is that they are sincere.  Instead of hiding myself because of something that I think is immaturity inside of me, I can embrace the fact that God is still smiling over me and that He loves my sincerity, no matter how immature it may be.

Love,
Me

Singing Sasha

Hello Blogging Audience,

There's a song that we sing sometimes that goes,

"Now I have a purpose, now I have a destiny, You made me for Your glory, You made me for Your glory." 

It's such a fun song. It has a catchy beat and clapping rhythm that is hard not to dance to. It's the kind of song that you sing with a huge smile on your face not only because you're happy but because every other person in the room singing the song is happy too. All of a sudden you realize, "Oh yeah, I'm important!" And it's a good feeling.

Today, however, when we sang it at our Special Needs Malachi 4:6 prayer meeting that we have every Wednesday, I cried. I couldn't help it.
Most of the kids in that room were, at one time, seemingly robbed of all purpose and had no destiny. Some of them had been struggling to survive in little orphanages, alone and forgotten. Some came from the streets where they had been neglected and abused. Some of them had been diagnosed as retarded and unwanted by the world.
I couldn't sing as I looked around at the children that were no longer forgotten, no longer neglected, no long unwanted, singing to Jesus, "You made me for Your glory!" and believing every word of it.
One little boy in particular sings that song with all that he has and it has forever changed my life.

Sasha was adopted from the Ukraine in 2009 with two other boys out of an orphanage where he didn't have much of a chance to live very long. See, Sasha has Spina Bifida and is paralyzed from the waist down. He didn't know how to sing, he was terrified of the dark and he had a lot of healing to do inside from years in a orphanage without a mom and a dad to love him. I didn't know him then, but I know him now and I know that when he sings at the top of his lungs, "Now I have a purpose, now I have a destiny" that I can't keep my tears back.
That little boy, wheelchair bound, totally incapable of doing so many of the things that I take for granted his own, has a purpose. Sickness didn't win. Abandonment didn't win. Neglect didn't win. Fear didn't win. Jesus won. No matter what happens to Sasha now, he will always know that he was made for God's glory. And no matter where I go after this in my life, I will never forget watching Sasha sitting on the floor with a mic in his hand singing, "No one else can love You like I love You, Lord..."

Redemption is so worth it, to see children grab hold of the truth that they have a purpose. To see them live out their destinies that they never would have been able to do unless someone had paid a price for them and brought them into their home.

"My friends, adoption is redemption. It's costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him." 

-Derek Loux

Love,
Me 

Good Father

Dear Blogging Audience,

So, the Fellowship has started. When I explain the name to people I always say, "It's like the Fellowship Of The Ring except there are no hobbits." Then they understand.
I could go on about all the amazing things that I have been doing and the teaching and the girls but I wanted to write about something that God is pounding into my heart at the moment. It's about His goodness. It's about his Father's heart for me. It's about the fact that He really does have good plans for me.

At the moment I need $2,500 dollars to pay off the Fellowship and buy my plane ticket for Thailand. I need this money by the end of September. I don't know where this money is going to come from.

Oh yeah, I'm still single. I really want that upstanding young man who is supposed to be my husband to be in my life right about now.

My mom got very sick a week or so ago. She's doing better but she's still not 100%

Money for my family has been extremely tight. This summer has been difficult for me as I watched us struggle through trying to buy groceries, pay bills and say no to things because the money just isn't there.

I look at all these things and I think, "I have all these needs, there is so much that I don't have." And the lie sneaks into my thought process, "God isn't good."

When I come down to it, the main problem isn't that I don't think God isn't BIG enough to give me the money I need or provide for my family or heal my mom or bring me a husband, it's that I don't think He's GOOD enough. Sure, God has all the money in the world and is sovereign over all of creation, but does He see my weary heart as I cry out for my husband or as I worry about my mom or finances? Does He care? Does He see my tears and then go and weep because I've moved His heart?

One of the most powerful stories in my life right now is John 11 about Jesus, Lazarus, Mary and Martha. Jesus knew about Lazarus' sickness BEFORE Lazarus died. Mary and Martha sent the message and sat and waited, knowing that Jesus was their only hope of keeping their brother from dying. One day passes. Lazarus gets worse. Two day. They're not sure if their brother is going to make it. Three days. And he dies...

Overwhelming sorrow, anger, brokenness, fear, hopelessness, and confusion fill the sisters. Why didn't Jesus come? Didn't he love them? Didn't he know? Wasn't he good?

Four days of wrestling with questions and emotions and finally, Jesus comes. Martha goes out to him and she receives a theology lesson. Mary goes out to him and he weeps. Jesus saw Mary's tears, Mary's doubts and fears, Mary's burden of sorrow. Her tears moved His heart.

Right now I feel like I'm Mary and Martha in the middle of the 4 days between the time when Lazarus died and Jesus comes and brings him back to life. I've sent my message to Jesus, I know what happens to me matters to him but... where is he? Why isn't he doing anything? Is he really good?

As I have wrestled through yet-to-be-answered prayers, I have found myself being brought back into the truth that, YES! MY GOD IS GOOD!
He is a God that sees the ache in my heart and gives me joy to be my strength. He is a God that picks me up and holds me close to His Father's heart. He is a God that wrote down amazing plans and dreams for me before I was even born that go above and beyond all that I could ask or imagine.

Out of His great love for me...
Yes. My God is good.

Love,
Me

Romans 12.

Dear Blogging Audience,

This morning I flipped my bible open to read John 14 and 15 because that is where I automatically turn to when I want to mediate on something. But instead my bible opened to Romans chapter 12. I stopped and decided that re-reading what used to be my favorite chapter in the bible could be a good idea. In light of the Justice Fellowship starting tomorrow, this was the perfect scripture to feed on.

As I read about offering myself as a living sacrifice because of God's mercy toward me, I realized how much more I need that mercy than I did when I first read it years ago. His mercy is so great. So needed. I've been so blind, so weak, so cold, and so proud. But God has mercy on me and leads me so faithfully and so gently. How can I do anything less than lay myself down as a living sacrifice for Him? This is true worship. I long to worship him truly. My heart's desire is to be a true worshiper and from this verse, I know what that looks like- complete surrender. Letting the renewing of my mind effect my thoughts and actions. Allowing the Holy Spirit to keep transforming me as I gaze on Jesus. Wasting my life on the Lover of my Soul.
My favorite verse from the passage is [still] verse 9.

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

In a society where so many people are loving what is evil and letting their innocence be stripped from them, this is not a popular view on life. How do you hate what is evil when it is in every form of entertainment and part of our daily lives? How do you cling to what is good? Do you stand on your soap box and try your hardest to stay above those that are below you? But how do you sincerely love someone if you're constantly trying to stay above them in an attempt to cling to good things?
I'm thinking about all the different people I'm going to be meeting in these next few months. There are going to be broken people, angry people, bitter and depressed people. There will be people who had their innocence taken from them and people who gave it away. I am still going to have to really love others, hate evil and cling to what is good. I am going to have to cling to Jesus. I am going to have keep my heart alive. I am going to have to keep my heart tender. My love must be sincere.
This is why it is so important to never be lacking in zeal and to never lose my passion for Jesus. It is so easy to love what is evil when my spirit is dull and it's impossible to really love someone when I am not  keeping my heart connected to The Vine. Loving others comes out of loving Jesus. I can't be joyful in hope, patient in affliction or faithful in prayer without zeal for serving God. The moment I let my heart become dull, I don't see the mercy God is pouring out on me. All I can think about is how uncomfortable it is to lay down my life as a living sacrifice. I don't see the reward in clinging to what is good when everyone tells me that I am being foolish. I can't love well, practice hospitality or share in someone else's joy or sorrow without my heart being alive.
The subject of humility is all over in this chapter. Not just surrendering to God but being a part of the body of Christ, serving them and preferring them above myself. Being devoted in love to my brothers and sisters requires humility and having a heart to go low. Blessing those who persecute me requires me to find my identity in God and God alone, laying down every single right and resting in the fact that I have a Righteous Judge. When I am confident in who God says I am and I have my heart set on going low, that's when I can truly rejoice with someone who is rejoicing. That is when I can truly mourn with someone who is mourning, no matter how I feel. I can associate with people that the world looks down on- the orphan, the widow, the foreigner, the homeless, the sick, the prostitute. I cannot remember God's great mercy toward me and think I am superior.

The last verse is something my mother told me almost every time I left the house to go hang out with friends. She said it to my older brother, she said it to my little sister and there will come a day when my little brothers will hear it too.

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

As I start my Fellowship, this is exactly what I will be doing; overcoming evil with good. I'm going to be loving those that have been rejected, I will be listening to the voiceless, I will be speaking truth over those that those who are bound by lies, I will be bringing awareness of those who are ignored.
This is impossible unless I remember God's mercy, I surrender my life to Him as a living sacrifice, I go low, I keep my heart alive and I cling to Jesus' goodness.

Love,
Me

 

Perfect.

Dear Blog Audience,

How you write about an experience that seemed absolutely perfect and untouchable by anything that might ruin it? How do you write about a time that you had been dreaming about and imagining in your mind for years? How do you write about a time that seemed to be completely removed from real life? *sigh* I've been wanting to blog about my Fessies since I got back from my trip but words haven't been coming. Just like the morning we went to pick up Derik and Jana from the airport. I tried to tweet something meaningful for 15 minutes. I ended up just giving up on tweeting and writing the moments on my heart. Not even when I was writing in my journal did I find a way to fully express what I was feeling inside. 

This trip was about so much more than Faith getting married and my birthday and Derik and Jana being in America. It was about seven kids that grew up in a country far, far away, who fell in love with each other and then later had to restart life in a place that was hopelessly lonely and void of real friends. Reunions for these friends were few and far between but talked about often and prayed for even more. Many times we grew angry at circumstances, money, and even the ocean, as they stood in the way of a longed for hug or a friend that knew us better than anyone else. There were many layers to our grief. We would work through one, make friends, make a few memories and then it would be someone's birthday and we would remember all the things we were missing. We'd work through a week of tears and angry rants of, "WHY?!?!" and then calm down and be okay again. Then someone would go through something painful and all we would want to do was run to them, hold them and cry with them and we would spend the next few days depressed and frantic, searching for any way to get to our friend. Then the person would get better and we would get better and then things would go back to "normal"...

As I stood in the airport on the morning of July 11th, hugging my friend Jana for the first time in over two years, a rush of emotions hit me and tears came. I wasn't just hugging Jana- I was getting the hug I'd been waiting for since Jana had left in October of 2009. That was the hug I had cried for, prayed for, thought about and imagined a million times. 

The entire time I was gone, I kept reminding myself that I was living an extremely rare and precious gift. I knew our time would be special but that is an understatement. As I tried to explain it to my other friends back home, I found myself realizing just how extraordinary we really are. Some of my deepest and best conversations were with a sixteen year old. There was only one boy in our group but last I checked, that didn't even faze us. We shared future dreams and past struggles and current feelings and every single one of us felt loved and accepted by each other. There was no awkward time of trying to remember what our friendship felt like; it was still there, eager to jump back into our lives and remind us of what we used to have. 

I could go on and on about the memories we made, and maybe one day I will. We laughed and loved and cried and hugged and took pictures and ate food and planned a wedding and rejoiced as we watched our beloved Faith marry the man of her dreams. But words can't really cover what this trip was for us. It was wonderful. It was beautiful. It was joyful. It was bonding. It was exciting. It was healing.

Yes. Healing. I remember the day I hugged each of those friends goodbye, not knowing when I would see them again. Each friend had been hugged with tears and a heavy heart and was followed by weeks of trying to adjust my life to be okay without them. Then, suddenly, against all odds, we found a way to be together again. My heart learned that not all dreams are too good to come true. Or maybe they are, but this one came true anyways. I learned I could hope again. I could be confident in my friendships. I was reminded that their love for me hadn't stopped, even if the emails did and that their arms were still my favorite place to be after trying to find replacements. I learned that I was okay. I had made it and come out stronger. And when we hugged goodbye again, yes, I cried, but my heart wasn't as torn because I knew that if we had made it together once, there is now always going to be a possibility for it to happen again. All my dreams of hugging my precious friends came true once. I know that it will happen many more times throughout the years. 

When my plane touched back down into Kansas City, I was hit with culture shock. Really? Yes, really. I was going from a culture of cuddle puddles and hugs and singing songs and "remember whens" and resting in the fact that my friends knew a very important part of me and loved me deeply to a place where I live at home, my friends are all precious to me, but they have yet to reach the depths of me that my Fessies have. We do sing songs but cuddle puddles are rare. At least, they are when I'm around. My "remember whens" are with my family who don't always remember. I may not have left North America, but I definitely experienced culture shock. I wasn't as prepared for it as I thought I would be, even though I saw it coming the day I bought my plane tickets. I knew I would be in heaven for the short amount of time we were all together and then it was going to suck. It was going to be painful and frustrating. I knew I would have a hard time remembering how to live without my best friends again. 

Thankfully, I have a God who is big and very, very, VERY gentle with my heart. His kindness toward me has made me great. My heart is safe under His leadership. I trust Him. This trip wasn't just a big deal to me, it was a big deal to Him. I know that as we loved each other and listened to each other and carried each other's burdens, He was smiling and rejoicing over us. We blessed His heart simply by laying down our lives for each other. God gave us this trip because He knew just how much we wanted it and because He loves to give us good gifts. Friendships are important to God because He made relationship and He has called us to love those in our lives. We love because He gave us love. We are friends because He showed us how to be the best kind of friend. What a beautiful and humble God. He's so worthy. 

Love,

Me

My Best Friend's Wedding

Dear Blogging Audience,

Have you ever watched your best friend get married to the love of their life? The couple is practically glowing and that look of adoration in their eyes is unmistakable. The emotions that come up as they say their vows and the mothers of the bride and groom tear up as they realize that their little ones are not so little anymore and are ready to commit the rest of their lives to going on a journey of love.

I got to be in my best friend's wedding this past weekend and I never knew the amount of joy and happiness my heart could feel as I watched Faith and Colin get married. My face literally began aching from smiling so much while watching the ceremony. Tears ran down my face as Colin vowed to love and honor and cherish the person I love and cherish and more tears ran down my face as Faith read her rhyming vows to the only boy who had fully conquered her heart. After the kiss and the bridal party left, I felt as if I was glowing as much as the bride was, I was so overcome with joy. We had a massive group hug in the kitchen and kept saying over and over how it was finally done.

When I was first asked to be a part of Faith's wedding, I was ecstatic! I've always loved weddings and this was going to be the 1st time I was going to be in a friend's wedding with real Bride's maidal duties. [Bride's Maidal: the word we use to describe anything the Maid of Honor and I had to do for the wedding.] I was going to have a dress and we were going to get our hair done at a salon and we were going to have pictures taken and there would be groomsmen and keeping track of Faith's things and making sure she ate and had anything she could need. I got to be in the room as the dress was pulled over her head and she was laced up in the back. I got to kneel down and fix her bustle and then look up at her, my best friend, and feel that surge of bittersweet emotions. There she was, ready to leave a part of herself behind in order to find a whole new type of love and joy.
Because they only had two friends stand up with them, I was part of the first couple that walked down the aisle to start the ceremony. I was so honored to have that opportunity to walk in, smile at the many faces I didn't really know and towards the front where I would stand, holding my flowers, and representing a million different memories from Faith's life. I knew that my friendship with Faith was going to be completely different. There are going to be many years more of memories and pictures and dances and laughs, but it's never going to be just Faith and Baylea again ever because Faith is also part of Colin. As the ceremony progressed I remembered the times Faith had held me when I cried or made me laugh til my stomach hurt or gave me a special best friend look that no one else would see. Those things will still happen but it will be different. Even so, I knew my best friend was happy and watching her become Colin's wife was one of the most amazing gifts she could have ever given me as a friend. 


There were so many little things about the day that I got to experience that no one else did and I don't want to take those things for granted. Like the dance party in the car on the way to get our hair done, watching her and Colin see each other for the first time on the wedding day, hugging her in the pictures of just the two of us, sitting in the room waiting for the ceremony to start and letting them win points in Baylea Blushing [I really didn't have a choice], our group hug after the ceremony, standing by the table while they cut the cake, singing them the song I wrote for them and Colin blowing me a kiss when I was done, watching their first dance and not being able to stop smiling.  It was such a beautiful wedding and I was thrilled to have been a part of it in so many ways. 


When we got home I didn't want to get out of my dress or take off Zach's vest or put down my flowers or wash my make-up off because I didn't want the night to be over. As the Fessies all sat in a pile on the couch we talked about how wonderful the wedding was, how beautiful I had been, how happy we were for Faith and Colin and how excited we were for the next wedding. [Which will be mine. ;)] I didn't know how amazing it would be to watch my best friend get married but now I do and it's a feeling I never want to forget.

Faith and Colin,
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for allowing me to love and support you guys in such a special way on your wedding day. Can't wait til I get to head back up to Canada!
Love,
Me