Dear Blog Audience,
Tonight I did one of the things that I struggle with the most: Wasting my time. Ugh. I hate that feeling of looking at the clock two hours later and realizing I did absolutely nothing of eternal value in those two hours put together except I might have drank water which is good. I guess. But honestly, why do I do it? Why do I feel like it's okay to sit on my backside in front of a computer screen reading things or playing games or searching nothingness? Sometimes it's called "free time." Sometimes it's called "being irresponsible." Either way, I hate wasting time. I love resting. I love being alone. But I hate wasting that time on fleshly desires that do not edify my spirit. Using my free time wisely has been a struggle for years. I've been convicted about it since I was 14 years old and I realized how selfishly I was living. I knew I needed to give that time to Jesus. I knew it. and here I am, 10 years later, still feeling the same conviction and the knot in the pit of my stomach because I did it. Again.
Really?
Yes. Really. I have done so well in so many areas that God has called me to give up. Unhealthy food, movies, facebook, unworshipful music, certain people and behavior... I have my moments but overall, I've done quite well and it's been a wonderful discovery that my flesh will die if I don't feed it. Except there is this one thing that keeps winning its battles with me. Time wasting.
Why do I think it's my time anyways? I'm still breathing air that God gives me and I am alive because God has continued to give me life. Why should I think that just because I've done A, B and C that I can take the next hour to waste? God is still worthy of my praise in that time.
I sat at my piano and cried tonight because I felt so disconnected. I'd wasted so much time and I felt so foolish. The most important thing in my life is Jesus but I did not act like that today. Today it was my phone, it was some lady's blog that I wanted to read (I don't even know her but she has cute kids. I think that officially labels me as a stalker. A creepy stalker.), it was worrying about my unfavorite class. Today is gone forever and I can't change all the time I let slip past me and that thought makes my heart ache. Literally. There's nothing I dread more than having to go to sleep after a day of losing the time wasting battle. Not because I don't trust God's love for me, but because I wanted to love Jesus with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength and I didn't.
The best thing about days like these is that God still absolutely loves me, desires me and takes care of me. There isn't a single doubt in His heart as He looks at me about whether He loves me or not. He's so committed to me and leading me faithfully on this journey. I don't know what I missed out on today because I didn't steward my time but I do know that tomorrow already has new mercies in it, waiting for me to wake up and fill me with joy. That thought makes me smile.
Love,
Me
Tonight I did one of the things that I struggle with the most: Wasting my time. Ugh. I hate that feeling of looking at the clock two hours later and realizing I did absolutely nothing of eternal value in those two hours put together except I might have drank water which is good. I guess. But honestly, why do I do it? Why do I feel like it's okay to sit on my backside in front of a computer screen reading things or playing games or searching nothingness? Sometimes it's called "free time." Sometimes it's called "being irresponsible." Either way, I hate wasting time. I love resting. I love being alone. But I hate wasting that time on fleshly desires that do not edify my spirit. Using my free time wisely has been a struggle for years. I've been convicted about it since I was 14 years old and I realized how selfishly I was living. I knew I needed to give that time to Jesus. I knew it. and here I am, 10 years later, still feeling the same conviction and the knot in the pit of my stomach because I did it. Again.
Really?
Yes. Really. I have done so well in so many areas that God has called me to give up. Unhealthy food, movies, facebook, unworshipful music, certain people and behavior... I have my moments but overall, I've done quite well and it's been a wonderful discovery that my flesh will die if I don't feed it. Except there is this one thing that keeps winning its battles with me. Time wasting.
Why do I think it's my time anyways? I'm still breathing air that God gives me and I am alive because God has continued to give me life. Why should I think that just because I've done A, B and C that I can take the next hour to waste? God is still worthy of my praise in that time.
I sat at my piano and cried tonight because I felt so disconnected. I'd wasted so much time and I felt so foolish. The most important thing in my life is Jesus but I did not act like that today. Today it was my phone, it was some lady's blog that I wanted to read (I don't even know her but she has cute kids. I think that officially labels me as a stalker. A creepy stalker.), it was worrying about my unfavorite class. Today is gone forever and I can't change all the time I let slip past me and that thought makes my heart ache. Literally. There's nothing I dread more than having to go to sleep after a day of losing the time wasting battle. Not because I don't trust God's love for me, but because I wanted to love Jesus with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength and I didn't.
The best thing about days like these is that God still absolutely loves me, desires me and takes care of me. There isn't a single doubt in His heart as He looks at me about whether He loves me or not. He's so committed to me and leading me faithfully on this journey. I don't know what I missed out on today because I didn't steward my time but I do know that tomorrow already has new mercies in it, waiting for me to wake up and fill me with joy. That thought makes me smile.
Love,
Me
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