Pain.

Hello Blogging Audience,

I've been planning on writing this afternoon for a while. This past week was busy with a two week training course I am taking and this afternoon is the first break in a very fast paced schedule since last Sunday. I was so excited, I was going to blog all about this, that and the other thing that God spoke to me about. And then today actually happened...

Guys, my body hurts so much right now. My left knee is swollen, my hands hurt, my hips are in excruciating pain while walking, my feet have been swelling and even my ankles were complaining as I walked to class [at 7:30] this morning. Why? Probably a combination of things. Tired, stressed, ate too much fruit, walked to class and back every day.

In just 6 days I'm supposed to be on a plane flying to my best friend to help her get married to her best friend. I've been waiting for this for months and now it's just around the corner and I'm laying here on my bed unable to stop this pain. Right now I don't want to think about flying or suitcases or traveling, I just want to sleep. I know my body well enough to know that by next Friday I'll feel like a new person and be walking 6 inches off of the ground from excitement as I get on that air plane and fly to the west coast. But when I'm feeling so old and crippled and trapped, it's hard to imagine that, even if just a few days ago I felt 90% fine.

I'm not writing this in a complaining manner, I'm trying to just give a little picture into what my life is like some days. I lay on my bed, usually with my computer, ask God for healing and try to find a way to distract myself from the pain and not have a pity party.

When I was younger, my mom's cousin [whom I lovingly refer to as my "aunt"] sent me a birthday card and inside of it told me that she had seen Arthritis turn so many people angry and bitter and she was glad that it hadn't affected me like that. I often think of that card when I feel like giving into whining and sulking and trying to say how unfair it is. All that does is cripple my emotions like my body is crippled.

Some friends of mine used to call me "Sunshine." I loved it. I love being a positive, smiling face in someone's life, being able to brighten their day simply because I refused to give into self-pity. I get to laugh and smile and enjoy little things because I'm not letting this pain rule my emotions. It's not my joy that I have on the inside, my joy is so weak and fragile, quickly lost in the cares and disappointments of this world. No, the joy that I carry on the inside comes with knowing that no matter what, I am Jesus' favorite. Pain or no pain, He adores me in ways I don't even know exist. Because of that, I can smile. I can be known as "Sunshine." Yes, a girl with a chronic illness can be full of joy and completely satisfied, because whether you are sick in your body or you are healthy your whole life, no one is truly satisfied outside of Jesus.

I have Jesus, therefore, I have joy.

Love,
Me

So faithful. So kind.

Hello blogging audience,

Have you ever thought that something was going to happen and you were so sure of it you set all of your hopes on it? And then it didn't happen? And then you're left with all the fragmented pieces of a promise that you thought was coming to pass and your disappointed hopes? Questions, tears, confusion, fears, frustrations, complications, back-tracking, side-tracking, emotional roller coaster and defeat deflate your balloon of dreams.

So sad. So, so sad.

At least, I should be. Right? Because I believed with all my heart that XYZ was gonna happen. I truly had it written in my journals and on my heart and in my songs and almost in my bible. But... It never happened. More than one, actually. Why didn't it happen? Was I just so wrong in hearing from the LORD? What if it was all just me anyways and my own agenda? The things are good things that I know will come to pass. One day. I just thought that "one day" was going to be... last month.

There's a song that fed my soul in the last few days of May while I struggled with the fact that X, Y and Z were all still incomplete, nonexistent, and no where to be found. The song is by Rachel Culver (don't know if she wrote it but she is just that awesome that I'm assuming that she did.)  and whenever she sings it my heart sings with her in full agreement.

The part that always gets me is the chorus that says, "You're so faithful, You're so kind." over and over again. I can't help but let my heart melt into a puddle of love for Jesus as I think about how faithful God is to my heart, my life and my calling. The last two years have been a lot about surrendering and just having to trust God that His way was perfect. I just had to trust that He was leading me in the right way as I let go of comforts and friends and family members and countries and dreams and pain and bitterness and fears and misconceptions. Now I'm seeing the fruit of the surrendering. I'm seeing the blessings and rewards that I wouldn't have gotten had I held onto the things instead of letting go and choosing God. What a wonderfully faithful, loving God!

As the month of May ended I threw up my hands and sang, "My times are in Your hands! My times are in Your hands! My times are in Your hands! I trust You! I trust You!" Even though things didn't go as I thought they would last month, I woke up on June 1st and I was bubbling with joy. IN THE MORNING! Before I even got out of bed!! And you know what, I still have that joy 8 days later. I don't know what God has planned for me but I know that as I continue to trust Him and surrender my expectations and ideas, I'll get something so much more glorious. He is bigger and wiser and able to do so much more than I can!

I don't know if my joy is contagious but if you're smiling by the end of this blog I win!

Love,
Me

P,S.

I have a daughter. She's a redhead. And she's awesome. That's all. Hahaha. ^_^ Love you, Natalee!