I choose joy.

Dear Blogging Audience,

So, here I am, just a few days before I graduate and I'm realizing something: I'm a whiner. I whine a lot. Maybe it's not always with my words but with my attitude, my actions, my lack of actions. Some way, some how, I show I am not satisfied and/or ungrateful for some reason or another. Why? Why, friends? Why must I think I am so high and mighty that I can look down my nose at anything? If I'm looking down at something, that means I have not gone to the lowest place. And the lowest place is where I'll find Jesus. If I am serious about finding Jesus, I need to take the lowest place seriously.

Yes, there are uncomfortable situations, there are things that really don't seem to add to life and yes, we do have different opinions and preferences. But how do I hold my heart in those times? Is it looking for a way to bless those around me? Is it resting in the knowledge that God is holding my every breath in His hand? Is it unoffended? When I am offended that means I have pride. When I whine that means I have pride. Pride is so ugly, guys.

The picture that keeps coming to mind is me, sitting in some uncomfortable situation but I'm rejoicing and happy because I've found the joy of the Lord in my circumstances. I don't mind what is going on because I have felt the love of my Father for me. I have confidence in the love my Bridegroom has for me. And I trust that justice will come to me from my Judge. I don't have to make it come. I don't have to worry about it. I can trust in the love of my Father.

The Lord is my Light and my Salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid? [Psalm 27:1]

Why do I not take this verse seriously? When I whine and complain and go on and on about not getting my own way, that is me not trusting how God leads me, where God is leading me to and His heart for me on my journey. That is me focused on temporary details that I don't remember for more than a day 95% of the time (unless I blog/journal/tweet about it). Being thankful for the little things, the big things, the in between things is a way that I show that I trust God that He really is my Light. He really is my Salvation. He really is my Stronghold. He really does have good plans for me.

When I complain and whine about something someone else did, I am saying I'm better than them. When you boil it down, it's me saying, "What you did/said wasn't good enough for me." Ugh! That ugly pride monster! Me looking down at another person made in the same Image I was made in! Me judging the thoughts and actions of others when I have no good thing apart from The Lord. Why don't I choose joy in those situations? Is my own physical discomfort in the way of rejoicing in The One that's bigger than any circumstance ever known to mankind? And then there's the fact that NO ONE can do ANYTHING to me outside of what my God has decided.

I have breath right now because the Creator God is saying to my body, "breathe." How can I be a whiner when my life is being sustained every moment by the Living God? Why do I feel like I can look down my nose at something when it is only because God is actively giving me life that keeps me alive in those moments? And that's not even the personal ways God has touched my life: I've had my body healed, I've had my heart restored, I've had my needs met and dreams become reality. I've been loved and blessed. I have people to love and bless. I have communion with the Holy Spirit and Jesus is coming back for me. For me! Oh, glory! What a beautiful thought! And I let the fact that it's hot outside steal my joy... My weak flesh. My strong pride. 

I don't know about you, but I don't want to whine. I don't enjoy whining. Especially not when others do it. I want to be found rejoicing even in the times of discomfort. I want to rejoice with others, not look down at them. I don't want my pride to say, "THIS IS MY RIGHT!" and be upset and ungrateful. So, this will be easy, right? ;) I know this is hard. But finding that joy that lights someone up from the inside out because they have an unshakable trust in God is worth going to the lowest places for. 

Love,
Me

$100 for a temper tantrum

Dear Blog Audience,

Yesterday, I had a temper tantrum. (This is a very important part of my story so pay attention to this wonderful example of how mature I am.) It was me, sitting on the couch, blubbering, and telling God about how I didn't know why I felt so emotional or tired or if my family was okay or how I was going to survive with school and being single (yes, yes, I did bring that up...) and reminding God of this that and the other thing. Now, I know that temper tantrums are usually little children flailing around on the floor creaming bloody murder but for me, it was still a tantrum. I just let it all out and vocalized so many of the questions and doubts going around in my head after just one week of school. I'm an internal processor so I usually don't have to talk to figure out how I'm feeling but last night I talked (or whined, both are true.) and cried and was border lining on having a pity party. Thankfully I just dried my tears, prayed, "God, help me." and carried on with my night.

As you know, I'm a baby sitter and one of my nights to work is Friday night which meant my bouts of crying and being frustrated at how I was feeling was interrupted by changing a poopy diaper, helping another child use the bathroom, getting the baby get back to sleep, checking on the kids etc. That's how moms do it, right? Thankfully most of my time is simply spent in the living room next to the baby monitors watching the Friday Night service at church.

The guy who gave the exhortation last night prayed for us and he said, "Just pray in your own words, 'God, come woo my heart again.'" So I did. Of course I was crying again (because I just cry all the time these days) and I figured there wasn't anything to lose. I cut down the lie that God would disappoint me like so many other people in my life and declared at the end of my prayer, "God, You are good. You are kind. You have been faithful to me." On one hand I knew that God would come through because He loves to answer my prayers but on the other (more dominate) hand I didn't fully believe that it would happen because why would God take the time to woo my heart? I already believed in His goodness and His wisdom, why would He take the time to convince me again? That aching and longing to be satisfied clung to the hope that God would touch my heart again and the tired, overwhelmed part of me tried to reason myself out of believing. It was a battle inside of me as I prayed but I shoved it out of my head and just focused on the next person who was talking in the service.

It got to be later and later and the parents texted to ask if they could stay out and finish a conversation they were having. I told them it was fine and took the extra time to write in my journal (more tantrum just in written form) and cry and search "cute babies" on google. I found a website called "cute baby fix" and it helped tremendously to distract myself. Finally the parents got back, paid me and I left without looking at my check.
I got in the car, my mind set on just going home and sleeping and hoping that I felt better in the morning. I was driving home feeling blah and discouraged when I decide to pull out my check. I expected it to be the normal amount or maybe a little extra since it was later than usual but I did not expect it to say $100. That was it, the flood gates were opened and I bawled like a baby all the way home. I asked God, "Why?! Why did You give me $100 when I threw a temper tantrum tonight? Don't You remember me sitting in the living room telling You about everything that You needed to fix? I was being a baby and You turn around and woo my heart! Why?!?!"

But... why does this surprise me? This has been the story of my life! The little kisses of love from my Heavenly Father that are given simply because He knows that it will show me, once again, that He loves me. What kind of God is this? He doesn't need me. He doesn't have to even give me my next breath. Yet throughout my entire tantrum I breathed again and again and used each breath to question the heart of God for me. And then He kisses my heart and says, "Baylea, I love you."

Me!
A finite creature!
A girl that struggles to trust the only One who has never broken a promise!

On the drive home last night I said, "God, I can't give You anything because anything worth anything inside of me is already Yours. I can't love You except that You placed love in my heart. You gave me my body when You created it. You give me breath. You are the One that made my spirit. And You take the time to show me that You love me. Again! I already knew! I was already convinced of Your goodness and Your kindness but You saw me and heard my weak little prayer and answered it."
Before I got into bed I read Psalm 139 and could hardly choke out the words as each verse spoke so deeply to my heart at that moment. When I woke up this morning, all of the doubts and questions and rampant emotions were gone and inside of my heart was a peace. The peace that God has given me before. What a wonderful gift it is to have peace on the inside. 

And there you have it, folks. The story of how I got $100 after throwing a temper tantrum. And of how gracious and wonderful my God is.

Love,
Me

[P.S. I do not suggest you throw a temper tantrum but God will answer those prayers you pray asking Him to reveal His love to you again. Do it. I dare you.]