Good Father

Dear Blogging Audience,

So, the Fellowship has started. When I explain the name to people I always say, "It's like the Fellowship Of The Ring except there are no hobbits." Then they understand.
I could go on about all the amazing things that I have been doing and the teaching and the girls but I wanted to write about something that God is pounding into my heart at the moment. It's about His goodness. It's about his Father's heart for me. It's about the fact that He really does have good plans for me.

At the moment I need $2,500 dollars to pay off the Fellowship and buy my plane ticket for Thailand. I need this money by the end of September. I don't know where this money is going to come from.

Oh yeah, I'm still single. I really want that upstanding young man who is supposed to be my husband to be in my life right about now.

My mom got very sick a week or so ago. She's doing better but she's still not 100%

Money for my family has been extremely tight. This summer has been difficult for me as I watched us struggle through trying to buy groceries, pay bills and say no to things because the money just isn't there.

I look at all these things and I think, "I have all these needs, there is so much that I don't have." And the lie sneaks into my thought process, "God isn't good."

When I come down to it, the main problem isn't that I don't think God isn't BIG enough to give me the money I need or provide for my family or heal my mom or bring me a husband, it's that I don't think He's GOOD enough. Sure, God has all the money in the world and is sovereign over all of creation, but does He see my weary heart as I cry out for my husband or as I worry about my mom or finances? Does He care? Does He see my tears and then go and weep because I've moved His heart?

One of the most powerful stories in my life right now is John 11 about Jesus, Lazarus, Mary and Martha. Jesus knew about Lazarus' sickness BEFORE Lazarus died. Mary and Martha sent the message and sat and waited, knowing that Jesus was their only hope of keeping their brother from dying. One day passes. Lazarus gets worse. Two day. They're not sure if their brother is going to make it. Three days. And he dies...

Overwhelming sorrow, anger, brokenness, fear, hopelessness, and confusion fill the sisters. Why didn't Jesus come? Didn't he love them? Didn't he know? Wasn't he good?

Four days of wrestling with questions and emotions and finally, Jesus comes. Martha goes out to him and she receives a theology lesson. Mary goes out to him and he weeps. Jesus saw Mary's tears, Mary's doubts and fears, Mary's burden of sorrow. Her tears moved His heart.

Right now I feel like I'm Mary and Martha in the middle of the 4 days between the time when Lazarus died and Jesus comes and brings him back to life. I've sent my message to Jesus, I know what happens to me matters to him but... where is he? Why isn't he doing anything? Is he really good?

As I have wrestled through yet-to-be-answered prayers, I have found myself being brought back into the truth that, YES! MY GOD IS GOOD!
He is a God that sees the ache in my heart and gives me joy to be my strength. He is a God that picks me up and holds me close to His Father's heart. He is a God that wrote down amazing plans and dreams for me before I was even born that go above and beyond all that I could ask or imagine.

Out of His great love for me...
Yes. My God is good.

Love,
Me

Romans 12.

Dear Blogging Audience,

This morning I flipped my bible open to read John 14 and 15 because that is where I automatically turn to when I want to mediate on something. But instead my bible opened to Romans chapter 12. I stopped and decided that re-reading what used to be my favorite chapter in the bible could be a good idea. In light of the Justice Fellowship starting tomorrow, this was the perfect scripture to feed on.

As I read about offering myself as a living sacrifice because of God's mercy toward me, I realized how much more I need that mercy than I did when I first read it years ago. His mercy is so great. So needed. I've been so blind, so weak, so cold, and so proud. But God has mercy on me and leads me so faithfully and so gently. How can I do anything less than lay myself down as a living sacrifice for Him? This is true worship. I long to worship him truly. My heart's desire is to be a true worshiper and from this verse, I know what that looks like- complete surrender. Letting the renewing of my mind effect my thoughts and actions. Allowing the Holy Spirit to keep transforming me as I gaze on Jesus. Wasting my life on the Lover of my Soul.
My favorite verse from the passage is [still] verse 9.

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

In a society where so many people are loving what is evil and letting their innocence be stripped from them, this is not a popular view on life. How do you hate what is evil when it is in every form of entertainment and part of our daily lives? How do you cling to what is good? Do you stand on your soap box and try your hardest to stay above those that are below you? But how do you sincerely love someone if you're constantly trying to stay above them in an attempt to cling to good things?
I'm thinking about all the different people I'm going to be meeting in these next few months. There are going to be broken people, angry people, bitter and depressed people. There will be people who had their innocence taken from them and people who gave it away. I am still going to have to really love others, hate evil and cling to what is good. I am going to have to cling to Jesus. I am going to have keep my heart alive. I am going to have to keep my heart tender. My love must be sincere.
This is why it is so important to never be lacking in zeal and to never lose my passion for Jesus. It is so easy to love what is evil when my spirit is dull and it's impossible to really love someone when I am not  keeping my heart connected to The Vine. Loving others comes out of loving Jesus. I can't be joyful in hope, patient in affliction or faithful in prayer without zeal for serving God. The moment I let my heart become dull, I don't see the mercy God is pouring out on me. All I can think about is how uncomfortable it is to lay down my life as a living sacrifice. I don't see the reward in clinging to what is good when everyone tells me that I am being foolish. I can't love well, practice hospitality or share in someone else's joy or sorrow without my heart being alive.
The subject of humility is all over in this chapter. Not just surrendering to God but being a part of the body of Christ, serving them and preferring them above myself. Being devoted in love to my brothers and sisters requires humility and having a heart to go low. Blessing those who persecute me requires me to find my identity in God and God alone, laying down every single right and resting in the fact that I have a Righteous Judge. When I am confident in who God says I am and I have my heart set on going low, that's when I can truly rejoice with someone who is rejoicing. That is when I can truly mourn with someone who is mourning, no matter how I feel. I can associate with people that the world looks down on- the orphan, the widow, the foreigner, the homeless, the sick, the prostitute. I cannot remember God's great mercy toward me and think I am superior.

The last verse is something my mother told me almost every time I left the house to go hang out with friends. She said it to my older brother, she said it to my little sister and there will come a day when my little brothers will hear it too.

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

As I start my Fellowship, this is exactly what I will be doing; overcoming evil with good. I'm going to be loving those that have been rejected, I will be listening to the voiceless, I will be speaking truth over those that those who are bound by lies, I will be bringing awareness of those who are ignored.
This is impossible unless I remember God's mercy, I surrender my life to Him as a living sacrifice, I go low, I keep my heart alive and I cling to Jesus' goodness.

Love,
Me

 

Uncomfortable.

Dear Blogging Audience,

I was thinking the other day what word would be describe this current season in my life. It's not Unwanted because I really do want what God has for me. It's not Unneeded because God never has me go through things that are unnecessary. But it's Uncomfortable.

I'm uncomfortable because I thought by now I'd be doing something with someone and there is no something or someone. During school it was easy to not think about how single I really was. Now that I don't have a job or commitments to take up most of my time, I can't ignore it anymore. I have waited so much longer than I ever anticipated and I am so incredibly thankful for the way God hemmed me in and worked on my heart so I can go into a relationship with maturity and a bit more wisdom. Like I said, this isn't unneeded  or unwanted... Just, Uncomfortable.


I'm uncomfortable because I'm done with my part of moving forward in joining staff and doing the justice fellowship. I filled out the applications, got references, made sure the emails were received and double checked all my answers. Now I just wait. And it's in the waiting that the doubts and questions sneak in and make me a little bit anxious. Again, with nothing to really occupy my time, it's hard to keep my mind at peace on this subject too.

I'm uncomfortable because there's a giant pickle jar in my living room that doesn't have enough money in it. Remember me mentioning the pickle jar before? Well, I can tell you why now... My family is adopting.  This is something my mom has talked about doing for yearssssssssssssss and now we finally have a little boy in the Ukraine that God has knit our hearts to. As amazing this is, it's uncomfortable. I already love this little boy and want him here to be with us. We aren't sure what to do without having the financial resources we need at the moment. There isn't a doubt in our minds that this baby is for our family OR that God will provide. But it's uncomfortable.

Everything I wanted to get done in my room and with my future is done on my end. I can't make a husband appear out of no where. I can't make money appear so we can adopt. I can't make the people tell me that I'm in or not. I have to wait. This isn't unwanted or unneeded. But it sure is uncomfortable. I want to honor God with my life this summer, I don't want to lay around thinking, "Gee, I wish there was something to do." I want to be a good steward of my time and my talents. I don't have a car and I will have very little income for the summer so that very much limits the way I spend my time. Being pulled from my comfort zone and stretched to see areas of darkness in my heart aren't exactly fun but I need them. Having the things that hinder love inside of me be burned away is painful but I want it. I want to continue to work through the things of my life that do not glorify God.

Jesus,
In my life would you have the glory. Especially when I am uncomfortable.
Amen.


Love,
Me

NIKO!

Dear Blogging Audience,

I AM GRADUATED! You are reading the words of an IHOPU 2 year certificate recipient. Thank you all for reading my blog while I walked out these past few months. They've been intense but they've been so worth it. Since being graduated, I've already written a song, applied to the Justice Fellowship that I am planning on doing in the fall for three months, partially finished the application to join staff, gotten connected for a summer job, done my laundry, cleaned my room, learned how to make peanut-butter/butternut squash pancakes, loved on my boys, spent 8 hours in the prayer room, balanced my check book, bought my return ticket home from my friend's wedding in July and hung up my new pictures on my bedroom wall. I feel so grown up.

I don't have much else to say except that I'm learning how to trust Jesus to make the big pictures He has shown me part of my little every day pictures. Just because I'm graduated doesn't mean I can go crazy and try to make everything happen. It's still my job to surrender, each and every day. Little things are unfolding. I give them back to Jesus. He shows me what He's doing. I let it go and tell Him that I trust Him all over. Learning how to be steady without being hemmed in by school, learning how to manage my time because I have much more of it to myself. Ooftah. I knew life would be "harder" once I graduated. Not in a bad way, just in a, "I'm the one in charge, I have to be the one to make the decision." way.

Oh, and in happy news, my hair is getting long and I love it. Also, click here.

Love,
Me

One Day It's Gonna Happen...

Hi Blogging Audience,

I wanted to update because it's May. May of 2012. This... is a huge month for me. Why? I can't tell you. But it is huge and after I graduate in 17 days, I'm going to have a lot more time to think about all the implications that May 2012 means for my future. One day it's gonna happen...

My family has a giant pickle jar of change on the top of our book shelf in our living room. Why? Well, I can't tell you that either. Not yet. But it's amazing and I have yet to contemplate how different life with be once the jar gets filled and the change happens. One day it's gonna happen....

I cannot tell you how bittersweet this home stretch of doing IHOPU is for me. I will be overjoyed to have no more books to read or papers to write or practice logs to turn in or assignments to finish before deadlines or awkward seating arrangements. Praise the Lamb. One day it's gonna happen... May 20th, 2012.

But... that also means no more worship team. No more running hard with a few hundred of the most awesome people in the world. No more favorite teacher. No more rising to the challenge, whatever it may be. No more having the opportunity to have some of the most humble and anointed leadership in my life. No more school pride. One day it's gonna happen... May 20th, 2012.

There is a certain direction I'm headed once school ends and I know that I can be excited about it but I'm not yet. I'm not exactly sure what it's all going to look like but there will be children and nations and learning to love in practical and life-changing ways. Yes, I am putting off the application process because I'm pretending that things aren't changing. But... isn't this what I wanted? Yes. And I believe this is the open door that God was talking about when He told me to graduate. One day it's gonna happen... August 10th, 2012.

I get to see my best friend. And my other best friend. And my other best friend. And my other best friend. I get to fly on an air plane for the first time since leaving Morocco. I get to leave the country for the first time since leaving Morocco. I get to see my best friend for the first time since leaving Morocco. Words can't describe the depths of excitement I have inside of my little heart right now. It'll probably mess me up for months afterwards because this goodbye is going to reopen a very painful scar on my heart but it's going to be worth it. One day it's going to happen... July 7th, 2012.

So, hopefully I'll have more big news on my blog about why May 2012 is significant in my life and why we have a giant pickle jar with money in it in our living room  before too long. We'll just have to wait and see. But know this, one day it's gonna happen... For sure.

Love,
Me

Washed with Truth

Hi Blog Audience,

This will be a short update for two reasons. Reasons #1- I only have 18 minutes of battery left on my laptop. Reason #2- I need to leave in 20 minutes.

I wanted to update though because I woke up this morning and I actually got out of bed within the first snooze. This hasn't happened for the last few weeks. And then I purposefully turned on Jon Thurlow (youtube search him, best decision of your life after choosing to follow Jesus.) because I wanted to have a heart that was alive. Yes, it is possible to have a heart that is burning by 8am in the morning. I love mornings like this.
The other night I was going to watch October Baby with my mom because I thought, "Well, it's a good movie, I should support it, right?" And from all I heard, it was a good movie and people should support it if they can. However, God took my movie fast more serious that I did and when we got to the movie theater the one showing we could see was cancelled due to projector malfunctioning. I spent the rest of the evening realizing how much God wants to use the time I have chosen to NOT give to movies to talk to me. To build intimacy with me. This is the second time in the year where God has showed me how seriously He is taking my fasts. Earlier this year my friend couldn't find bouna (the best food in the Fes Medina) to bring me when she came to visit. That was God reminding me, "This junk food fast that you're on? It really does matter to me." Not that I kept it perfectly after that but...

That leads to the sort of point of this blog. Yesterday at chapel we had one of my favorite IHOPU teachers share about fasting. It was so good to be hit (all over again) with the truth of why I should fast. It's not because I'm earning something or proving something or I have to make my life hard to make it count. No. It's because it connects me to the heart of God and it is done from a heart of being lovesick. Jesus didn't want His disciples to fast until they were absolutely fascinated by God and it wouldn't be religious or just motions with no heart. It was supposed to be the act of love. A gift to God to show that I love Him.

I left that chapel feeling loved and washed with truth. I love days like that. It had been a tough day for more reasons than one and then I got to be reminded that it's not me or my strength or zeal or wisdom or anything else... It's Jesus poured out for me and providing a way for me to love God back with all my heart, soul, mind and strength.

Okay, laptop battery is going to die!

Love,
Baylea

All is for Your Glory.

Hello Patient Blogging Audience,

I can't tell you how many blog entries I had started in my head, and I actually had one started about a week ago but they just never made it to the publish button. I wanted to write about hearing someone say, "God loves weddings. He really does." and how that shifted a wrong view I had of God. I wanted to write about my incredible Wisconsin team and how bonded we became. I wanted to write about my first set in the Global Prayer Room (GPR) and how God set my heart to sing to an audience of One. I wanted to write about how my little brother is flying by himself to another state for 6 weeks and how much I'm going to miss him. But I couldn't because I have found myself in the midst of an incredibly busy school semester. After spring break, we changed theology classes and we have one of the best classes in the school. This class just so happens to involve daily and weekly homework that makes a fairly tight schedule get to that point of bringing me to tears. I love the content of the class. I love the teacher. I love the check lists. I just have realized that my homework is increasing dramatically this quarter. Because of this, my blog will probably not be tended to as faithfully. But when I get to the end of this semester, I will feel like I've actually completed something worth bragging about. Not that I want to brag about it. Anyways. Moving on...

On Sunday I went to a bible study that I usually attend. It's not really a bible study but I call it that for the sake of simplicity. It's a group of women that meet bi-weekly and hear someone speak. Anyways, this last Sunday we had a lady who took the time to prophesy over every lady in the room. I was almost the last person in the line and I was curious to see what she would say because she had been saying something different over each person. The other ladies had received good words about things in their past that added to their present, little nuggets of who God made them to be, truth about callings, ect. When she got to me she asked me my name. I told her and right away she said,

"Baylea, you are the most noble among women." 

Didn't really see that one coming. She talked about how nobility have this way about them that other people didn't get. Of all the words people have spoken over me, I do not remember a word that hit my heart like that one. I always feel a bit awkward in that group because it's a group of about 40 beautiful young women who dress in adorable outfits and have such huge hearts for Jesus. I look and feel so small next to them. Even this last Sunday, I was not dressed in my finest. I was sitting with my feet on the chair and my knees pulled up to my chin like a little kid. And then bam! Most noble among women.

I don't even know what that exactly means but all of a sudden, I took myself seriously. I saw myself as important. I saw myself on the inside, not on the outside. My Father is the King of Glory. I have royalty in my blood. There is a confidence in my heart that wasn't there before. My Jesus hears me. He is for me. I can live knowing that I have an unshakable hope and love vast as an ocean. Jesus Christ.

That being said, my heart has been longing for a new development in my waiting for my husband. It's been a struggle looking at the coming weeks and thinking, "I have no idea when this young man will find me." and setting my heart to wait. But not just wait. I want to finish my single years well. With joy. With peace. With hope. With confidence. With excellence. Just as I am applying myself to finish my time in school to the best of my ability, I want to end my life as a single person bringing glory to Jesus' name. Daily I remind my soul to find joy in the Lord. Daily I speak the words, "Jesus, only You satisfy." and they are a comfort. Today Jesus used a freshman to encourage me to wait for my husband. It wasn't anything complicated. It didn't need to be! Honestly, just hearing the same words that people have been telling me for years is enough. Wait, Baylea. Just wait. He's coming. He's going to love you. Never underestimate the power of a well timed simple truth. 


I will close this blog with the disclaimer that I do not know when I'll have time to write again. However, if you read this anytime between now and May 18th, please feel free to pray for me. A well timed simple prayer is powerful as well.

Love,
Me

Official Announcement

Hello Blog Audience,

Here it is. The official announcement that most of you have not been expecting or waiting for. Yet, here it is nonetheless.

I'm graduating.

That's right, folks! Your girl is up and moving on! I have "known" for probably my whole IHOPU career that I was going to do only two years but I didn't want to rule out the possibility of four years if that was what God wanted me to do. I love IHOPU and I would do two more years in a heart beat if I didn't have the overwhelming sense of Jesus guiding me into new things. I don't even know what they all are but I feel like once they start, they aren't going to stop for a while and they will require me in a way that I would not be able to give if I was going to be a student. From what I can tell right now, I'm going to be swimming in free time with no families to babysit for and no school and all the homework and extra stuff that goes along with it. Although school won't end until May and my families aren't leaving until June. My "free time" might have turned into something else by then.

I think one of the hardest parts about finally saying that I was for sure going to graduate was the fact that I do really love this school. I love my classmates, I love the training, I adore my teachers and the way they bend over backwards to give us the best that they possibly can. There is something that grew inside of me over these past three and a half semesters and I'm not the same hurting and immature 22 yr old girl that I was when I started. I loved Jesus and I knew He could do anything but now I love Jesus and know He can do anything. In a totally different way that is the same. When I started I had only been in the states for 5 months and I thought I was going to die with all the strangers and no one talked to me and I was in culture shock and then I went to California. I made friends and memories and realized how powerful our school is as a whole. What other school calls off school for 3 weeks so that they can send as much of the student body as they can to Southern California just so that they can strengthen houses of prayer and witness on college campuses? I started the music part of FMA and began to pour out my life as a prophetic musician on the piano. I learned how to play with excellence. I learned how to play from my heart. I learned how to play with humility. I learned how to play with a team that was going somewhere. I cried because I was tired. I cried because I needed Jesus. I cried because I was tender. I cried because my heart was aching. I survived because I leaned against the heartbeat of my Beloved. I survived because of the grace of God. I survived because I chose to set my heart on Jesus and not the things of this world. I survived because I had a great cloud of witnesses around me, praying and prophesying over me. I survived and some days that really was a miracle.

I hated having to tell people I was considering graduating because I knew that my teachers and leaders wanted to see me go through all four years. As I started telling people what God was speaking to my heart, though, I began to see them excited for me. And it was a wonderful feeling. My favorite teacher gave me one of her special smiles and said, "That's amazing!" My small group leaders told me, "God has great plans for you!" and even though there were a few negative responses, for the most part, everyone shared in my joy. It's bittersweet. I'll miss the people I have classes with and my worship team and doing my class cheer with my sophomores and the things that students are required privileged to do. I'll miss small group and be a part of all the different things an FMA girl is a part of and being on the inside. I love my IHOPU family.

Well... Who knows what this next season will look like though. This may just be surface level compared to where I am going. I comfort myself with the fact that I'll still be in the area and I'll still get to spend hours in the prayer room and I'll still get to run around the IHOPU campus hugging my friends. Yes, this last semester was hard but not hard enough to make me want to quit without God guiding me into something new. It is those hard seasons that really strengthen you and teach you how to live life in humility. I can't wait to see my future unfold one day at a time as I continue forward under the faithful leadership of Jesus. Letting go has always been hard but my heart really is excited for this new phase to start. 


This really is a journey.
Love,
Me

Open Doors

Dear Blog Audience,

I don't know how many of you actually read this because the commenting system on blogger is a lot more complicated than on facebook so taking the time to comment is not usually done. I know. I don't usually comment on anyone's blog except for Faith Kelley's because... well, because she's my best friend. None of this really has anything to do with my main topic for the night though. If I were an awesome writing, I'd find some sort of connecter but I... Haha, I just reread what I wrote and I wrote, "If I were an awesome WRITING..." Okay, moving on!

My life has seemed pretty much the same as it has for the past year or so. I do school, family, Jesus, prayer room, babysitting, friends and being single really well because that is the rhythm I've created. It's been awesome and I've enjoyed the routine of living at home, keeping busy with school, loving on the kids I babysit for and having time to just sit and worship Jesus in and out of the prayer room, with and without friends. Because really, when you love Jesus and your friend loves Jesus and you spend time together and you leave feeling edified and loved, that is an act of worship as well.
I like routine. I like sameness and normalcy and familiarity. Maybe it's because I spent so many years on a never ending change of houses, places, countries, friends, neighbors, family, travel, school and lifestyles that I clung to any semblance of routine so tightly. Now that I'm here, settled in one city for two years this month and in the same house for two years in June doing the same school for two years in May and still being single for four years in June, I'm finding that I'm itching for something to change. I want to get on an air plane again. I want to pack my life into a couple suitcases again. I want to be smacked in the face with culture shock again. I want to have a different view from my bed room window. I want to have different foods in my kitchen. Not constantly changing, mind you. Just for now. I'm hitting the "it's been two years so we're obviously going to move again." mark and knowing that this is the first time in 14 years that we will be passing the two year mark in the same house is making me jittery. Maybe change was my normal and that's why I want it so badly right now... 
All that to say, I think some change is finally coming. I have felt it all year that this year is going to be a new season for me. I don't know exactly what it will look like but things are beginning to come to light finally. For a while I thought maybe it was just me wanting to be in a new season because nothing seemed to change. I was still in school. I was still a babysitter. I was still living at home. I still loved Jesus and I was still single. And it didn't look like that was ever going to change. It would continue to be like that for as far as I could see.

The shift began on Friday night when the family I have babysat for the longest said, "You want to move to Colorado?" I didn't realize what they meant was, "We're moving to Colorado, you should move there too so you can continue to babysit for our children." And not just them but two other families that I babysit for weekly. That is three out of four. Not only did it make me sad, (because I love those families dearly and adore their children.) but it kind of freaked me out. That's the majority of my income right there, moving to Colorado. That means a new job or something else that doesn't require me having a job. I don't know. But it definitely means a new season.
Then today I sang with Pablo Perez. For those of you who do not know Pablo, he is the head of FMA (Forerunner Music Academy) and is from Argentina. On Friday I was asked to sing with him which shocked me because he's only heard me sing once and I didn't think it was that great but he apparently liked it. Naturally, I said yes. I mean, come on, the head guy over my whole school just asked me to sing with him for a conference! I'm not stupid and I wasn't busy so there you have it. I said yes. Anyways, I felt like me singing with him was going to open up a door somewhere that would lead me into my next season. I didn't know what that would look like. The conference I was going to sing at was  Korean one so I was imagining all sorts of things that could happen... I showed up to sing with him today, he said, "Baylea, I'm starting a team for the Prayer Room and I want you to be one of the singers. Pray about it." And the light bulb clicked on. That was my door. Really? That easy? And that amazing???
So there you have it. Things are finally changing and I hope that this satisfies my urge for change because I don't think I'm going to be moving houses or cities any time soon. What this means for school and boyfriend and loving Jesus... well, I'll still love Jesus but the jury is out for the other two. If you'd like to take some of your precious time and comment, I'd love to hear your thoughts on my changing times. But other than that, I believe I have written all I needed to for the night.

Love,
Me

I'm just used to it

Dear Blogging Audience,

This is my fourth attempt of starting this blog. The other starts were wonderful and were full of exactly what I was trying to say except... Not really. See, what I'm trying to convey is the feeling of tension I have right now. I still don't know how to write about it.

Do you know how hard it is to be faced with how empty your heart really is when you had just reached a point where you were getting used to things? I've gotten used to living in America around monolingual people who love their monocultural lives. I've gotten used to not having time to keep in touch with my best friends. I've gotten used to be so isolated from my past because I have no one to remember with or talk with. People look at the pictures on my bedroom wall and get overwhelmed as I rattle off who is who and why I love them so much. Two minutes later they're moving onto a new subject and I'm just getting started with talking about how precious those people and places are to me. I don't like the feeling of showing someone the most beautiful thing I can think of sharing with them and them not seeing it as beautiful. It stings. So I have gotten used to just sharing the bare minimum. And I've been okay with that. But was I really okay with it, or did I just get used to it? Was I really as restored and my heart as healed as I thought it was or was I simply numb to my underlying emotions? And this is where I feel the tension. I am still in pain over leaving but I am also at a healthy place of moving on. Don't ask me to explain this. The best way I can is me, sitting on my bed, reading my old journal from March of 2010, crying because I can still feel that same emptiness and because I'm so grateful for where God has brought me since then. The tears were most definitely because I was grieving and they were most definitely because I was so thankful. This is my life. This is my tension.
This month marks 2 years since we left. That plus seeing Krista has opened my eyes to the fact that I'm not as over it as I thought I was. I didn't feel this tension just a few weeks ago. I had a pang of homesickness every once in a while but not like this. Not the constant tug-of-war. I could look at the hundreds of pictures I have from Morocco and not feel anything and when I did start to feel something, I would just turn it off. Part of the cut-off in communication was me preserving my last bit of sanity. I couldn't say, "I miss you" anymore. I just couldn't handle it. So was I really fully processing my emotions or was I just used to the numbness? I think it's both.

Some things are good things to get used to. Like being a big sister, eating healthy food, journaling... They are all aspects of my life that I'm used to. That I'm comfortable with. It would be strange for me to go home and see that my mom had gotten us McDonald's for lunch or for me to just stop writing in my journal every day or if suddenly my little brothers weren't a part of my life. But I don't really think about those things, they just are. I've gotten used to them and that's fine. It is my life and part of life is having certain things that are so much a part of you, you don't have to think about it. You just live accordingly.

Other things I don't think I should be used to. Like pain.  Not just emotional pain but pain from the Arthritis too. Most days I don't even notice it because I'm so used to it. But is that what it should be like? It has been 20 years so I was 1st diagnosed and I remember laying on the examining table with the doctor making silly sound effects for me as he moved my joints. When he was done I went out into the waiting room and looked into the fish tanks at the  hundreds of fish. This might be my earliest memory of my life. That was the day the doctors told my parents what was wrong with me. I don't know how I know that because I wasn't in the room when he told them but I just remember that day being the day we found out. That doctors visit has shaped my life every day since then and I've had to come up with ways to do the same things as everyone else does without thinking. I've grown used to my limitations over the course of my life, how could I not be be used to it? But I wasn't made to live in pain with body parts that don't work and constantly worrying about whether I can do something or not. I don't want to be used to this disease, I want to be used to expecting God to heal me at any moment.

And this is my tension. Being used to things. Becoming unused to things again. This is what it means to live as a stranger on the earth, waiting for Jesus to come back and make all things new. Hallelujah. Come, Lord Jesus, come!

Love,
Me

Thoughts spilling over

Dear Blogging Audience,

I'm not sure what thoughts will spill out onto this blog today, but I do know that right now, my heart feels very tender for many reasons.

In small group today, we all cried because one of us began sharing her heart and laid her struggles out before us. Her words of feeling like the wait for breakthrough would never end echoed in my own heart and I felt her pain. I'm still waiting for healing. I'm still waiting for the wrong things in my body to be made right. I'm still waiting for the day when I can testify that Jesus is greater than any sickness or disease. But beyond what she said, it was how she said it that made more sense. Her raw emotions and real feelings stirred me. I long for that expression of honest emotion in my own life in every season. Joy, strength, love, tears, brokenness, leaning... I want to be honest with how I feel and feel emotions.

The last couple weeks have been strange for me. I feel so close to God and yet I feel like everywhere I turn, someone is telling me this that or the other thing that I have to do, think or feel to really know Jesus. I've learned awesome things through it but at the same time I have to remember that when it comes to the end of the day, Jesus loves me no matter what I do or say. After one such talk with someone about "XYZ", I left the conversation thinking, "This is good, this is true, but... Just because I didn't know this before doesn't mean that I wasn't really a Christian. I still loved Jesus. I still had fellowship with the Holy Spirit. I was still loved and desired by God."
This is something I've had to remember a lot in the last few weeks. My heart has been wrestling with things because I really want to know truth. I really want to have more knowledge of Jesus and grow in my walk with Him. But at the same time, He's looking at my heart, not my head knowledge. It's the sincerity in my heart that matters to Him, not my maturity. Maturity comes with time and seasons and my current season is bringing maturity. But it's also making me cling to the truth that God delights in my journey, not just the end result of me knowing blah blah blah. He's so involved with every bit of truth I process, He sees my wrestling and hears my prayers for right understanding and He is answering those prayers. The posture of my heart is what He's looking at. Am I holding my heart with humility and desiring to know more about Him? When all this comes to an end, I'm sure I'll look back and see how every bit of knowledge I tried to retain shaping me to become more like Jesus. Every time I pray, "God, I don't understand but I really want to!", He's opening up my eyes to see better. After following Jesus for 23 years, it's a bit rough trying to add new things or shifting your interpretation of things to make room for the new stuff. I feel thrown off and I find myself sometimes trying to work the new things into formulas so I don't forget them. They're all so foreign to me yet I know they are truth.

Maybe that's why small group was so amazing today, because there was a realness and something that I could finally relate to without trying to figure it out. I know brokenness. I know waiting. I know tears. I may not fully understand what the gospel of Repentance means enough to regurgitate it or all the scriptures about the Holy Spirit, but I know that in my life, I have been broken and now I'm whole. My heart has been shattered, and it is now filled with joy. I have cried and struggled to break out of depression and now I walk in freedom. This is real for me. This is Jesus for me. My perfect shepherd, my comforter, my redeemer and my healer. Never once do I have to sit back and think, "Hmmm, let me see what this feels like for a few days." No. I already know because I've been through it and have come out on the other side and seen the goodness of the Lord! He is faithful! He is kind! He is gentle! His loving kindness never ends and His faithfulness reaches to the sky. Watching my friend cry and bare her soul was so refreshing because it reminded me of the time when I cried and bared my soul and met God there. And how I've continued to walk with the reality of who God is every day since then.

Eventually, the other things will become more than head knowledge and I'll have the deep seated conviction about them just like the people who told me about it all were. I could hear conviction in their words and I know that as I look to Jesus for revelation, that conviction will come to me too. But I don't have to make it happen. I have a journey and God loves it! He loves the freedom I am finding and is guiding me gently through each day, showing me little by little, more of who He is. I love that about Jesus.

Love,
Me

Dear Little Sisters....

Dear Little Sisters,

This post is especially for you. Why? Well, I love you. All of you. And I see part of me inside of you and I want to be the one that helps you avoid some of the most confusing things I had to go through when I was your age. Your heart is so precious and your innocence is priceless. I want to help you guard and protect them and push you higher than I am right now. Because that's what big sisters are for. 

First of all- You're beautiful. You can wear old gramma sweaters and bright purple snow pants for the rest of your life with a poodle perm and still be gorgeous. You could never touch another tube of lipstick or put on mascara again and still be attractive. Yes, part of your beauty is on the outside but honestly, it's the light inside of you that is shining so brightly that makes you stunning. Your eyes glow and your smile lights up your whole face because you're confident in the love that created the whole world. You know you have the most beautiful Man that is going to come for you and be with you forever at the end of time. And when that day comes it's not going to matter how many times you straightened your hair or wore cute dresses, it will matter if you went into your secret place and poured your love out on this Man and received His love back. When you do that, you can't help but look more beautiful on the outside because of the way you hold yourself. You have that child-like faith to fills you with so much joy. So much peace. Those things on the inside can be so obvious on the outside that people stop and stare and wonder what on earth you have. You're beautiful! I love seeing you all dressed up and taking care of what you look like on the outside because we're special and dressing with the mindset that we are important to God is a wonderful and right thing. But it's what I see coming from the inside that makes me burst with pride. I see you walking with your head held high with or without a boyfriend, with or without the latest style of shoes and clothes, with or without a wonderful family life back home, with or without the perfect this or that. You've learned that those things don't make you or if you're not there yet, you're learning. You're more than all of those things and they don't have to be what defines you. You lay down those things and listen to what all of heaven is saying about you. What God is saying about you. Even on the days when the perfect guy walks right past you after getting all dressed up and you feel like crap, even on the days when you have a fight with both of your parents, you sister and you kick your dog and you feel so angry, even on the days when people say things about you just to tear you down and you feel like the least important person in the world. Guess what.... You're His favorite one. Those times when things don't go your way He's still saying, "You are precious to me. Let me restore your heart. Let me love you." Those days are so hard! But when we take those times and run into the arms of Perfect Love, we come out even stronger. We'll find that little by little, as we grow up, there will be situations that used to frustrate or hurt us that don't anymore, because we've found an unshakable identity in the Jesus Christ, the Son of God. All the men in the world can never give us that type of security and no person, place or thing in the world could satisfy our hearts like Jesus. When that becomes your reality, you're whole world changes.
Secondly- You are strong. So strong. Don't believe me? Look at yourself. You are a beautiful, pure, full of life creation in a dying, perverse and ugly world. And you're still alive. You still believe in Love and you know that there are good plans for you. Only those that are strong can get to be your age and still believe that purity and holiness is better than pleasures of this world. There is a humility that comes with being truly strong because you know your strength is not your own. It belongs to the One who saved you from sin and death. You rest in the assurance that you can call upon that strength that is immeasurable. The same power that raised Christ from the dead is inside of you simply because of God's great love for you. (don't believe me? Read Eph. 1:17-2:10.) How humbling! How awesome! How contrary to the world's perspective to know that even when we are weak, we are strong because we have a power source that never diminishes. Ever. You show strength when you choose to walk away from temptations. You show strength when you choose to love the annoying, immature person that everyone makes fun of. You show strength when you choose the man of your dreams based on what is inside of him, not what is outside. You show strength when you dress with modesty because that's not what the world is telling you to do. You may be the only one with her body covered but you will also be the only one that guys will actually respect and want to pursue a REAL relationship with. (Unless of course you don't know any real men. Then they'll just all be scared of you because you show them that they aren't men and they're not as cool as they thought they were. If this is the case, DO NOT SETTLE!)  You show strength when you choose to live the lifestyle Jesus calls us to in the Sermon on the Mount. Fasting. Giving. Blessing our enemies. Praying. Serving. Those things take strength! Being humble takes strength! Choosing Jesus every day takes strength yet here you are, so beautiful and strong. I'm so proud to call you my little sisters. Really. 
Thirdly- You are a treasure. A jewel. Something hidden away in Jesus until the right person catches a glimpse of it or hears a rumor about it and says, "Yes! I want my life goal to be searching for this treasure and loving this treasure and having this treasure as my very own to protect and take care of." There are going to be really rough days ahead of you. For real. But this journey of waiting is one of the most precious things you can ever give that man you will one day marry. I can't wait for the day that I get to see you in your white dress, gazing up into the eyes of true love without a single regret. We'll never have a journey that is perfect, we'll all stumble at times but the whole point is to get back up, clinging to your purity and your dignity and saying, "I set my heart to wait. Again. Today. And every day until I am pursued and someone captures my heart." Right now, I am sure I'll love whoever you pick but in case someone tells you  something different or some very awful thing happens and you are stupid for a moment, these are some guidelines that I've learned in my waiting years:

1)If this man does not love and respect your family, and especially your parents, he is so not the one. 2)If this man does not love push you and challenge you spiritually to become a better person and love Jesus and others more, he is not the one.3)If this man manipulates you to get what he wants, HE IS NOT THE ONE!4)If this man does not treat you like a treasure because he's so full of himself, he's definitely not the one.5)If this man makes you do all the communicating and work in the relationship, he's not the one.6)If this man does not respect your time, he is not the one.7)If this man does not have the same heart for orphans or the nations or family or whatever your dream is that you have, he is obviously not the one.8)If this man cannot get off his butt and get a job or show responsibility, he is not the one.9)If this man is not willing to face real life but hides away from problems, he is not the one.10)If this man is disrespectful to others, he is very much not the one.

I know some of those are very obvious but really, when you're having a lonely day and someone comes up, says the right things and makes you feel better, you can close your eyes to a lot of important things. Sometimes those guys need to grow up and in a few years they'll be wonderful young men. But sometimes they don't and the last thing you need to do is wait around for a guy that may or may not become worth the wait. Take your single years to pray for God's heart for you. If you don't love yourself, you're not going to wait for someone who loves your (truly) either. When you realize the wonderfulness that is YOU that God really does love and adore and has good plans for, you'll think, "Why settle for this guy that doesn't even want to work? Why settle for that guy that doesn't listen to me when I talk? I'm worth pursuing. I'm worth being taken care of by a husband. I'm worth having a man who listens to me." I want you to get that truth inside of you. I just told you how beautiful and strong you are, but take those things and listen to what God is saying about you. He's so happy to talk to you about you because He loves you! And it's in His heart to give you a husband that will really love you as Christ loves the church. I pray that you all find husbands that you respect more than anyone else in the world (except for maybe your parents...) and that you trust so much you submit to their God given leadership over you. I pray that you'll be pursued by men who will set physical boundaries so high because he knows how precious you are and how weak human flesh is. That they won't be pushing you to lower them, but calling you to even higher expressions of purity. Let us be women that treat our male friends with respect by not flirting with them or dressing immodestly around them or talking about things that are inappropriate to talk about with guys. We don't have to play dumb and think that things don't affect them because they don't show it. We can be wise and love them well with our purity and one day, a man of God will see you doing that and think, "I want a wife that will act like that. I want her." 

Life has a way of not turning out the way we thought it would. It has a way of knocking us down harder than we were expecting and rubbing us in the dirt so we feel more shame than we ever knew was humanly possible. But the wonderful thing is that God uses brokenness to sometimes teach the most important lessons in life. Never underestimate the amount of influence you have one someone's life. You will be a big sister too one day and realize how many little eyes are watching you. You guys have pushed me to reach for Jesus so many times and I have reached this point because I knew that you were looking to me to be an example. I know I haven't been perfect but I do love you and I pray for you to know just how strong and beautiful of a treasure you truly are. 
Love,
Your big sister

Top 20 list!

I like making lists and to celebrate my 20th blog I'm going to make a list of 

20 things I love about my life right now; single, in school, living at home... ;]

20) My alone time. All of it.
19) I can talk to myself out loud without looking ridiculous.
18) When my 5 yr old brother sneaks into my bed in the middle of the night.
17) That I get to have buddy time with my 14 yr old brother.
16) Hours on the piano
15) Honestly, living at home.
14) Being one of the parking dudes
13) My dad taking care of me.
12) Being an aunty to 5 fabulous boys.
11) Tea dates with my friends.
10) Sitting before the Lord and holding nothing back.
9) Driving at night by myself and telling God how I'm feeling.
8) Taking my brothers with me to my classes.
7) Same 4 songs all night every night.
6) My David brothers. Seriously.
5) Texting my sistie about things only she knows about.
4) The 4 amazing families I babysit for.
3) My hair is getting longer :)
2) Long talks with my mom about what God is doing.
1) Having that wonderful peace on the inside from Jesus, trusting in His heart for me even when things don't look like they're going to work out. 


Love,
Me

And then there was today...

Hi Blog Audience,

Today it is snowing. I like snow. I was born in Minnesota and had a few winters in Northern Wisconsin before I moved to the mountains where our winters always involved getting snowed into our house at some point. so I know what it's like to look out the window from October til March (give or take a month or so) and see white everywhere. After a few months, it gets old. This year has been very mild and it reminds me of my more recent winters where snow was very uncommon. For us we had rain and mud and sometimes a brief amount of time where we had sleet mixed in but my last winter there (2010) I slept with the window in my bedroom open until the middle of December. Not because it was hot, but because the fresh air was wonderful and I could.
What I do NOT like about snow is driving in it. It's scary. Even though I'm a cautious driver, some people are stupid and sometimes really cautious people are caught up in accidents because stupid people don't think and their lack of thought injures all the people around them. I'm not mad at them, I'm just scared of them. I was really hoping to have a snow day because... well, mostly because my body is really stressed out so the pain is reaching a point where I get distracted by it. ("The pain" meaning the Arthritis pain.) I'm used to pain. The normal amount of pain. The email declaring my freedom for the day did not come however so here I am, on the 4th Monday of the school year.
When I started this semester, I had just finished one of the best semesters of my life along with an awesome Christmas break. My spirit was soaring, I was totally optimistic that this semester would look like last semester because my heart was in the same place of pressing deeper into God and giving up the things of this world. Little by little, I'm realizing how different this season will be for me. Last season was fruitful. This new year is starting with a pruning session. I've had a lot of pruning since coming back to America and I didn't understand a lot of it but at least now I know that the pruning means that the last season was fruitful and now the areas in my life that had growth are being cut back and taken care of so that in the coming year, they can grow even bigger and bear even more fruit. (Analogy coming from John 15).
For me the pruning looks like not liking one of my classes, having a lot of pain, realizing for the millionth time that I'm still single and living at home at the age of 23 1/2, feeling how poor I am in spirit and having my buttons pushed by my brothers (remember my other blog post?). I know that I need this pressing and shaking and refining, I don't want to fight it. I also don't want to be scared by it. There is no need for me to be upset by all this because I know that it's my Heavenly Father helping me grow even more and He is gentle with my frail heart and broken frame. I want this just as much as my flesh hates this. This is my journey. I have my heart set on doing and finishing this semester well and ending my single years well (whenever that will be) and in all things rejoicing. Even with a swollen knee, limping down the hall way to a class that I don't enjoy before going back home to a house that belongs to my parents, not to a house of my own with my husband. I will rejoice. I will. Because the joy of the LORD is my strength and by golly, I need a lot of strength right now.
The wonderful thing is that even in the midst of the pruning and the refining, I have joy. I have peace. I have confidence in the love of my Father. Sometimes I have to fight for it. Sometimes I just have to sit and receive it. The Word is hitting deeper than it used to. I don't ever say, "Well hey, this looks like a good time to be pruned.", I do say, "God, whatever You're doing, I surrender into Your hands because I trust Your goodness and Your gentleness." Like David I will say,

You have also given me the shield of Your salvation;
Your right hand has held me up,
Your gentleness has made me great. [Psalm 18:35]

Today my journey is marked by snow and pain and joy. Hopefully tomorrow will be a little less white.
Love,
Me

Gut-wrenching sobs

Dear blog audience,

for those of you who don't know me, I'm a crier. I have no shame in my tears. If I'm upset, I cry. If I'm sad, I cry, if I'm lonely I cry, if I'm being touched by the Lord I cry, if I'm happy I cry. Sometimes it's only a couple tears and me getting choked up. Sometimes it's a longer time of tears where I need to be alone and feel what is in my heart. Rarely is it gut wrenching sobs. 

I think the first time I actually sobbed from the pit of my stomach was in 2009. The Fes Youth Group was having an all night prayer meeting and someone said something about how almost everyone in the youth group was going to be leaving. There were only two people in the room that had no plans to leave and one of them was me. I looked at the other girl and we shared a sad smile, knowing that we were the only two gonna be left and then I melted on the inside. The next thing I know, I'm covering my face as I feel my insides coming out as I sit there sobbing (loudly). My friend Derik wrapped his arms around me and I don't know how long I cried, but I think that was the first time I really let myself mourn the fact that so many important friends of mine were leaving. I had cried before and I had felt the pain before, but this was different. This shook the very core of my insides. That of course set off all the girls and soon we were all just a puddle of crying girls (And boys) as we prayed over each other. 

There were a few times that I cried like that again when we left Morocco. Most of them were by myself though. Alone on my bed, smothering my cries with my pillow. locked in the bathroom at 2am so that no one else would hear me, in an empty house laying on the floor because there was just no emotional strength to stand back up. The cries and the tears came from deep inside and I could feel the pain so strongly. It was actually physically painful in my chest. 

Well, it's been a while since I have had a session of gut-wrenching weeping. For one, I have had so much of my heart healed that the pain isn't as strong. And I find so much more comfort in Jesus. I've had tears and times of really feeling sad but nothing that touched the inside of my so deeply that the only way to let is out was to open up my emotions and cry with everything inside of me. Usually you can't plan these times either. They come because of something that someone says, does, implies... Something triggers your emotions and they just all come out. (unless you are emotionally constipated.) As you know from before, I've been emotional since school started this semester but I really haven't had anything bothering me that I felt like I just needed to cry it out. 

Someone once told me that I was very in tune with what my body was saying. Whether that is true or not, I totally missed this one. I went to service last night because I had an off night before I start babysitting for another family on Friday nights. During worship and ministry time, some friends and I began praying for each other. First it was just so that the Holy Spirit would increase, we prayed for healing for a couple of us and then the Spirit of Prophecy fell and we began to speak words of life and calling and destiny over each other. Lies were broken off, strongholds broken off, chains were broken off and we did this for an hour or so. God seemed to be highlighting one person at a time and so everyone would pray and prophesy over one person and then God would highlight the next one. I hadn't been highlighted yet and we were praying for someone else when my really good friend Kelly turned to me and said, "You are the daughter of God's joy. You are like His first born, His favorite one." from there she went on to say that it was so important that I keep interceding for the safety of the children at Village of Hope. I've never told anyone the burden in my heart for those kids and how I think about how many children in that area where they are get sexually abused and how I think about that they are now seen as orphans and not children with families to keep them safe. How protected will they be from being trafficked and sold into prostitution? The mountains where I used to live is known all the way on the Northern coast of the country for it's brothels. Those words that Kelly spoke over me, not even knowing how right on she was, made me cry. A few tears and a couple sniffles. But at the end she said, "I pray that you'll find a husband that will say to you, 'Hey, let's go on a trip and just go back and see those kids.' and that you would find a husband that would want to travel with you and take you places."

That's when the sobbing started. 

Now, I think about my husband a lot. A good portion of my day is spent praying and pondering about this man that is still a mystery to me yet already so connected to my life. I ask God about him often, just wanting to know more about this stranger whom I will marry. I am not anxious, but I am antsy. I fully trust the will of God concerning my love life (I mean, come on. He is the author of the greatest love story of all time.) but my "biological clock" is ticking. I'm excited to be a wife. I'm excited to have a family. I'm excited to fall in love with a broken and redeemed human. I want it to happen! What kind of person would I be if I didn't have the desire to be romanced? But I have my heart set on waiting for the moment that an upstanding young man talks to my father and says, "I don't want to live without your daughter." 

That being said, it surprised me how deeply the things that Kelly spoke over me went. I mean, yes, right now God has been speaking to me about a future mate but when Kelly began saying, "You're afraid this is going to happen and that your husband will be like that..." I felt something from the pit of my stomach cry out and say, "YES! I have been afraid! This is something that I was afraid of!" Sometimes lies go so deep that we don't even know they are there until someone calls them out and says, "This is a lie. This is truth. Walk in freedom." 

By the time Kelly was done, snot and tears were everywhere, my insides were trembling and I felt lighter. Sometimes when you weep so heavily, it takes time to get out of that feeling of sobriety. This time, though, I just stopped crying and was fine. Shaking, yes, but there was no turmoil in my soul. 

Sometimes I look back over my life and I wonder why God brings up certain things at certain times with certain people. For times like last night, I know it's another step closer to being a good wife that doesn't live in fear of her husband. It's another step in the right direction for a healthy marriage. How many more steps will there be? Who knows. But there will be more both before and after I get married. It's wonderful how God honors your choice to go through the journey when you fully surrender to Him. I know that learning hard lessons can be uncomfortable but I'd rather be uncomfortable than live in pride, unforgiveness, depression and lies. He uses things like people speaking truth over your heart to bring freedom to an area you didn't even know you had. He uses gut-wrenching sobs to take you into a place of deeper intimacy with Him. He uses weakness to glorify His name. It's so worth it.

Love,

Me

A day in the life of an IHOPU student [Class Cheers]

Dear blogging audience,

Last night I read the blog of a lady who had hundreds of followers and was amazed at how many updates she just did about life. I'm not going to fool myself into thinking that this blog will become a huge network of people with 300+ comments on each post but I figured giving you guys a peek into one of my busy days wouldn't hurt.

Thursday:
This morning I woke up happy. Not that this fact is all that uncommon but on a morning like this one, it could be classified as a miracle. In fact, last night when I wrote in my journal and grumped before going to bed,  I was anticipating having a crabby morning. I was ready to feel exhausted, unprepared for the day, discumbobulated [like here] and introverted but I really didn't. I woke up, I found clothes that matched, I grabbed the right books and got myself to where I needed to be at the right time. And I felt joyful. It was wonderful!
And today in class, we had a quiz which I "studied" for. (Defnition: read through the notes with a highlighter and high lighted the things that sounded cool.) and I only missed half a point. Not gonna lie, getting a good grade really boosts my happy level for the day. The rest of class wasn't a normal class. Instead of sitting and listening to our teacher talk, we were assigned study groups and a topic to discuss.  After discussing our topic for about half an hour, we all got back together and one or two people from each group went up and shared with the class what we found in our groups. The topic of my group was the Mercy of God. What a wonderful and deep subject. Mercy is communicable (an attribute of God that we can portray in our personal lives) but the more we talked about it the more transcendent it became. Mercy is an eternal attribute of God but how did He show mercy before creation? How will He show it after we've been redeemed? Those questions sparked something in my heart. I love that I will have all of eternity to study the mercy of God.

Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good!

    For His mercy endures forever.

Psalm 136:1

This afternoon was IHOPU chapel. Everyone goes. Freshmen through seniors, night watch and day watch, ministry students, music students, media students. Personally, I would put chapel in my top 5 favorite things about IHOPU. We all come together. We all love each other. I get to hug all the people I don't normally see and we hear from someone in leadership over IHOPU with a provoking and heart stirring message. But, the highlight (for everyone, no joke) are the class cheers. One of the top IHOPU faculty members always goes onto stage after worship and talks for a few minutes but before she leaves and lets the speaker come up, she asks, "Okay, you ready for the class cheers?" The order she picks us to do them is random, sometimes picking the freshmen first, sometimes the seniors, sometimes the cheer that she personally likes the best... Whichever way she does it, we all get excited. Now, the sophomores had the best class cheer the beginning of the last semester. [Yes, I am a sophomore.] The Juniors had created a call and response cheer and it was pretty good, but we took their idea and made a longer one. Last semester, the Freshmen tried to come up with a cheer that was good enough for our faculty member but she's picky and week after week would say, "Come on, Freshmen! Find something better!" (all out of love.) Sophomores got booted out of #1 spot earlier last semester by the interns that joined us during chapel. It was a sad day when they were given a standing ovation and the "Kings and Priests" were simply old news. Today we didn't have the interns and we had the director over all of IHOP-KC there as a guest speaker. Last week we didn't do cheers because the spirit fell the cheer lady was crying and getting ministry (don't worry, it was worth it.) so we were all stoked to do our cheers for the first time for the Spring semester today. Classes had literally been practicing and thinking about it all week because we were so excited. Announcements were finished and the speaker was about to start and a cry went up from the hundreds of students in the auditorium, "Class cheers! Class cheers!" The response was, "We don't want to take time from the speaker." "Oh, no. Go ahead." Our speaker smiled. "I want to see this."
The student body erupted into shouts of thanksgiving and we all sat in anticipation as our cheer director came onto stage and grabbed a mic. The order was decided and Freshmen were going to start. Now, the sophomores had walked into a Freshmen class cheer practice so I knew they had a boss class cheer. And, yes, I was jealous. I mean, so far we were still #1 in the IHOPU class cheer world because the internship wasn't technically part of school. Of course when the Freshmen do their little song and dance to start us off, the room explodes, they get a standing ovation and the cheer lady is ecstatic. FINALLY! They had come up with something that was worthy of being an IHOPU class cheer. I think every face was literally glowing, the freshmen were so happy. Then it was our turn. We did our cheer perfectly and sounded fierce but, honestly, after such an epic start, we didn't stand a chance. The upper class men got the, "Is that it?!" response so we ended big with the Freshmen again.

I remember when the Sophomores were asked to do their cheer twice. I remember when the sophomores were given a standing ovation. I remember when we were praised from the stage for having such an awesome class cheer. And as I sat through the speaker, I realized that that day was over. I knew that the "Kings and Priest" glory days were over. Sure, our cheer is awesome, but with all these new kids coming in, I know that the class cheers will simply get bigger and better until they get to be full length musicals. We'll look back and think about the current senior class and how their cheer is simply flapping their arms like "Angels in the Outfield." Last years graduating class sign was just the peace sign. And as I pondered this whole ritual called "Class Cheer" I realized that I was okay with not being known as the class with the best class cheer anymore. I'd rather be known as the class with the best attitude. I'd rather be known as the class that was the hungriest for the things of God. I'd rather be known as the class that went low to serve our classmates and faculty. Did I like having the best class cheer? Oh, absolutely! But thank God that going to IHOPU is so much more than just having the best cheer to wow everyone else at chapel once a week. It's about that reach in our hearts. I pick the deep things of God over a standing ovation.

Love,
Me
 

Today in school...

hello blogging audience,

Today in school, the teacher brought up free-will and predestination. It threw me off because the last time I'd really heard anyone discuss the topic of whether God had ordered every single action of every single person for every single second or if God didn't know everything because He allowed us our own choices was when I was 19 years old. It also happened to be the first time I'd heard anyone bring it up. At first I was stunned. How could God not know everything? I wondered. I don't think I like this topic. So I decided to believe what I'd always believed (that God knew everything) and forget about the predestination title. I didn't search it out, I didn't want to search it out, I didn't want someone else to search it out and tell me about it, I just wanted my disrupted thoughts to be placed back on the shelves of what I believed in and left alone. And until today, that's exactly what happened.

Thankfully, I've grown quite a bit in my faith and my knowledge of the scriptures since that first day I heard my friends talking about predestination vs. free-will so I didn't freak out quite so much. In fact, during the break I was talking to my friends about it and I found it comforting that none of us really knew what to believe because there seemed to be so many scriptures that came to mind that pointed to both views. After class I drove over to the prayer room so I could be with the Lord and try to wrestle through the notes from class. Sometimes when I can't figure out what I'm feeling or thinking, I sing and I find it brings clarity a lot quicker than trying to talk. Plus in a song, my thoughts tend to lead to more thoughts that I didn't even know that I had. So that's what I did as I drove, I sang. Some of the words that came out of my mouth surprised me because not only did they answer some of the questions, they also showed me that some of the questions didn't even need to be answered. Here's a sneak peak of my journal from after class...

Jan 31st, 2012
Jono's class was very... controversial in some ways today. Talking about Predestination and Free-Will. I don't even know how it all works but I 100% believe that Jesus/Father/Holy Spirit is omniscient and knows everything. But I also know that God moves because of prayer and offers us the chance to receive mercy in place of judgment and relates to us personally in a real, loving, inside-of-time way. We have free will yet God has appointed a time and an hour for Jesus to come back in response to a generation raising up as intercessors that beckon Him to come home. Jesus was slain before the foundation of the world yet do Free-Will theists [or whatever they are called] believe that God knew Adam would sin? I can't reject either one and I think God likes it that way. I don't have to have someone explain it. I can trust my Heavenly Father. Whether He did pre-determine everything or not. His heart is for me and I trust Him. 
 ...I love that I can trust my Heavenly Father even when I don't always understand His ways or I get thrown off by man. Maybe Jono is right. Maybe no one is right. Me loving God and knowing He is worthy doesn't hinge on whether I understand everything in the bible or not. I want to understand but how can I expect to fully understand when I am so much lower than the One I am trying to know? My mind just can't even go there. Regardless, I will worship. I will set my heart to press further into the heart of God. I know it is for me. He is delighted to share Himself with me...


One of the phrases that came out of my mouth while I was singing was, "Your attributes don't contradict one another but they will offend our hearts." and that thought struck me. I realized that there are so many things about God that man tries to understand and explain and define and teach about when really, how can we know? Maybe both Predestination and Free-Will are wrong. Maybe I'm just in my own camp all by myself and don't really know what I'm doing. Whatever it is, one thing does not change: God is worthy of my praise and my adoration, even when I get offended at some of the things that I find as I seek Him out. Who is man that we can tell Him how to act and who He is? I love that He delights to show us glimpses of His character and nature and that my love for Him increases through those glimpses, but I have to keep in mind, they are only glimpses and I must not think that I know God completely because of them.

Oh, the life of a bible college student.
Love,
Me

My Theme Songs

Dear Blog Audience,

Because I'm a musician I often think in terms of songs. The other day I wrote in my journal about how I want "I surrender all" to be my theme song right along with "Great is Thy faithfulness" and "Worth it all." The past few months I have just been in awe of God's faithfulness and how wise He is in leading me. Some of the things that I kicked against and complained about the most are now such blessings to me and have helped me grow the most. Like being single and going to IHOPU and leaving Morocco. I've had such rotten attitudes about each of those things from time to time. I told God that I would get married when I was 21. I told God I never wanted to go to college. I told God I wanted to spend the rest of my life in Morocco. I set my heart on these things and planned my life accordingly. You can imagine how upset I was when God gently took my plans and said, "No, Baylea. Not these plans."

Now I'm 23 and still single and I am so glad I've had this season of life single. Yes, I get anxious and haven't always held my heart in a way that I am proud of but God has been faithful to change my heart attitude. I am just so thankful that God has kept me hedged in and hidden away for me to get to this place of finding my joy and satisfaction in Jesus only. Sometimes I think back to where my heart used to be and my heart overflows with gratitude for the wisdom of God. He sees the whole picture and knows my seasons and my times. I really needed these past few months to get to a point where I wasn't looking to a boy or a relationship to fill me. I can't imagine what kind of marriage I would have gotten myself into if I had gotten married at the age of 21. Thank You Jesus for Your wisdom and Your faithfulness to finish the work that You start in me! As painful as it is to surrender sometimes, I know that is it so worth it. 

College was never on my radar. Not as a 10 year old. Not as a 15 year old. Not as an 18 year old or a 20 year old. I was content with my education and I didn't want to push my luck by going to college and failing. My dream was to be a wife and a mother, what kind of college could equip me for that? Sure, there were other things that I enjoyed doing such as music and writing and teaching but I didn't see any point in spending a bunch of money that I didn't have on an education that I didn't really want. So when I realized that God was leading me in the direction of IHOPU I wasn't very impressed. Until I fell in love. With my classmates, with my teachers, with God and what He was doing in the student body and with what God was doing with me through my classes. I look back on my year and half at IHOPU as one of the best seasons of my life. There has been blessing and pain, extreme growth and extreme loss but each day had mercy and grace from sunrise to sunset and I am who I am right because of everything God has done in my heart in the last 18 months. Jesus, You knew exactly what You were doing when You put me in this school. Thank You for this season of learning. It has been worth every single penny and every single hour I've put into it.

The hardest thing I've ever done was leave my home. One time that home was Wisconsin and I was leaving it for Morocco. I was an emotional wreck and it took a long time to love that place. The last time I had to leave home my home was Morocco and I was coming to Kansas City. Again, I was an emotional wreck but this time it wasn't just me crying and pouring my heart out to my journal, it was severe depression and suicidal thoughts. It was laying on the bathroom floor at 2am because I was crying so hard and I didn't want my sister to be woken up. It was trying to kill what I was feeling through anything I could find- movies, music, friends, computer, IM... Anything I could think of. Yet Jesus was so gentle. At the time it felt rough and I thought I was broken forever but I couldn't see that I was the one making it so difficult. I told God to fix my heart and then took my heart away from Him. I turned to other lovers and broken cisterns, begging them to fill me. When it didn't work I blamed God for not doing what He promised. I can't imagine how many times God held out His healing hands to me, calling me to come to Him and find rest for my weary soul and I never even heard Him because I was too busy wondering why He didn't heal my heart and drowning in an ocean of false gods. The months following my return to the states are filled with the faithfulness to God. He brought people into my life, He took things out of my life, He hemmed me in and wept with me. One time a friend was praying for me and she said, "I see you laying on your bed crying with your face to the wall and behind you is God and He's crying with you." and I knew that it wasn't just one time that God cried with me. It was every time. I didn't want to surrender Morocco. Ever. I wanted God to just fit His plans for me around the fact that I was never going to leave that country. But He didn't because He knew so much more than me. He knew I needed to go to school. He knew I needed to meet the people that are in my life now. He knew I needed to learn more about Him and more about myself. Finally I surrendered, knowing that God's faithfulness was great and it has been worth it all. 

I remember when I was 15 I realized that surrendering was a daily process. It wasn't just a one time done deal, it was a continual setting of my heart. Different things would come into my life and I'd need to give them back up to Jesus. For a while I thought that nothing else could faze me after giving up Morocco but I was wrong. There have been many times I struggled to give things back over to God but in the end, I always choose surrender because I already know that God's way is better. His faithfulness is everlasting. Nothing I can keep now will compare with what God will give me later at the end of time as a reward. One simple reason being that everything on this earth will fade away and only the Word of the Lord will remain. I want what remains, not momentary pleasures.

Jesus, I surrender all. Great is Thy faithfulness. It's worth it all. Amen.

Love,
Me

$100 for a temper tantrum

Dear Blog Audience,

Yesterday, I had a temper tantrum. (This is a very important part of my story so pay attention to this wonderful example of how mature I am.) It was me, sitting on the couch, blubbering, and telling God about how I didn't know why I felt so emotional or tired or if my family was okay or how I was going to survive with school and being single (yes, yes, I did bring that up...) and reminding God of this that and the other thing. Now, I know that temper tantrums are usually little children flailing around on the floor creaming bloody murder but for me, it was still a tantrum. I just let it all out and vocalized so many of the questions and doubts going around in my head after just one week of school. I'm an internal processor so I usually don't have to talk to figure out how I'm feeling but last night I talked (or whined, both are true.) and cried and was border lining on having a pity party. Thankfully I just dried my tears, prayed, "God, help me." and carried on with my night.

As you know, I'm a baby sitter and one of my nights to work is Friday night which meant my bouts of crying and being frustrated at how I was feeling was interrupted by changing a poopy diaper, helping another child use the bathroom, getting the baby get back to sleep, checking on the kids etc. That's how moms do it, right? Thankfully most of my time is simply spent in the living room next to the baby monitors watching the Friday Night service at church.

The guy who gave the exhortation last night prayed for us and he said, "Just pray in your own words, 'God, come woo my heart again.'" So I did. Of course I was crying again (because I just cry all the time these days) and I figured there wasn't anything to lose. I cut down the lie that God would disappoint me like so many other people in my life and declared at the end of my prayer, "God, You are good. You are kind. You have been faithful to me." On one hand I knew that God would come through because He loves to answer my prayers but on the other (more dominate) hand I didn't fully believe that it would happen because why would God take the time to woo my heart? I already believed in His goodness and His wisdom, why would He take the time to convince me again? That aching and longing to be satisfied clung to the hope that God would touch my heart again and the tired, overwhelmed part of me tried to reason myself out of believing. It was a battle inside of me as I prayed but I shoved it out of my head and just focused on the next person who was talking in the service.

It got to be later and later and the parents texted to ask if they could stay out and finish a conversation they were having. I told them it was fine and took the extra time to write in my journal (more tantrum just in written form) and cry and search "cute babies" on google. I found a website called "cute baby fix" and it helped tremendously to distract myself. Finally the parents got back, paid me and I left without looking at my check.
I got in the car, my mind set on just going home and sleeping and hoping that I felt better in the morning. I was driving home feeling blah and discouraged when I decide to pull out my check. I expected it to be the normal amount or maybe a little extra since it was later than usual but I did not expect it to say $100. That was it, the flood gates were opened and I bawled like a baby all the way home. I asked God, "Why?! Why did You give me $100 when I threw a temper tantrum tonight? Don't You remember me sitting in the living room telling You about everything that You needed to fix? I was being a baby and You turn around and woo my heart! Why?!?!"

But... why does this surprise me? This has been the story of my life! The little kisses of love from my Heavenly Father that are given simply because He knows that it will show me, once again, that He loves me. What kind of God is this? He doesn't need me. He doesn't have to even give me my next breath. Yet throughout my entire tantrum I breathed again and again and used each breath to question the heart of God for me. And then He kisses my heart and says, "Baylea, I love you."

Me!
A finite creature!
A girl that struggles to trust the only One who has never broken a promise!

On the drive home last night I said, "God, I can't give You anything because anything worth anything inside of me is already Yours. I can't love You except that You placed love in my heart. You gave me my body when You created it. You give me breath. You are the One that made my spirit. And You take the time to show me that You love me. Again! I already knew! I was already convinced of Your goodness and Your kindness but You saw me and heard my weak little prayer and answered it."
Before I got into bed I read Psalm 139 and could hardly choke out the words as each verse spoke so deeply to my heart at that moment. When I woke up this morning, all of the doubts and questions and rampant emotions were gone and inside of my heart was a peace. The peace that God has given me before. What a wonderful gift it is to have peace on the inside. 

And there you have it, folks. The story of how I got $100 after throwing a temper tantrum. And of how gracious and wonderful my God is.

Love,
Me

[P.S. I do not suggest you throw a temper tantrum but God will answer those prayers you pray asking Him to reveal His love to you again. Do it. I dare you.]

Discombobulated

Dear Blog Audience,

Today was tough. The last couple days I've cried a lot. Not in bad ways, but usually when I get overly emotional it's because I'm really tired or fasting and... I wasn't fasting. School has started and while I love the schedule and how easy it is, my body is having a hard time acclimating to being on the run again. Last night I forgot to set my alarm to wake up at 5 instead of 7 because I had to be at the prayer room at 6 so I woke up at 7. What could I do? There was nothing I could do. Thankfully the first week of school never has sign in for prayer room hours but I still wanted to honor the fact that I did commit to going to the prayer room at that time. I got there in time for the 8am set (which I always love) but I was so discombobulated that I didn't even hug Laura Hackett when she said good morning to me. I find that I use the word "discombobulated" a lot more since I started going to IHOPU. 


[Discombobulate
to confuse or disconcert; upset; frustrate: The speaker wascompletely discombobulated by the hecklers.]

I am still very excited about this coming semester though. I know that each class and each teacher were hand picked for me. I know that each person on my worship team was hand picked for me. I spent a lot of time over Christmas break praying that I would be able to love and serve my classmates and those in authority over me. I prayed for my teachers and my worship team. I didn't want school to start again and have a bad attitude about this that and the other thing. I wanted my heart to be ready to love the freshman and the upper-class men and the faculty of my school whether I was disappointed with a class or so excited that I was doing the happy dance. I'm a worship leader this semester which means I have the responsibility of being an example and leading other students not just during our worship sets but in all of our school requirements. I want the freshmen on my team to see me in the prayer room engaging with the Lord and not just sitting in the back on my phone or talking to a friend in the hallway. I want to set my heart to do my best in my classes so I can encourage others to do the same. It's really important to me to be faithful with the small things that God has put in my life right now because one day I want be in Thailand with a husband and 16 kids and a team of people who are there to establish a house of night and day prayer. I will need the grace of God to walk out each day but that is one of the dreams in my heart. Nations. Family. Prayer. Mmm, I want to be faithful now so that God will take me there later.

The month of January is almost gone and this baffles me because I feel like it was just yesterday that I was in the single digits of the month and now I only have one more week left. This is probably the first time in a long time that I am excited to move forward. I'm not one to want time to rush by (unless I know something amazing is coming up, like, moving back home.) so this is new to me. Of course there are things I am looking forward to, like one of my favorite people ever, Krista Bowman, coming to visit me in February and my sister having her baby in June but this is more than that. At the beginning of the year when I was asking God about the year 2012 He told me that this year is going to be a year of fulfilled promises. Just writing that out makes me excited! Even in the mundane and the tiredness and the tears there is an expectancy in my heart. On the good days and bad days, my spirit is alert and waiting for the promises to pass. What will it look like? I don't know except that I know that they will look a lot better than what I imagine. I know that because the bible tells me so. :)

Love,
Me