Uncomfortable.

Dear Blogging Audience,

I was thinking the other day what word would be describe this current season in my life. It's not Unwanted because I really do want what God has for me. It's not Unneeded because God never has me go through things that are unnecessary. But it's Uncomfortable.

I'm uncomfortable because I thought by now I'd be doing something with someone and there is no something or someone. During school it was easy to not think about how single I really was. Now that I don't have a job or commitments to take up most of my time, I can't ignore it anymore. I have waited so much longer than I ever anticipated and I am so incredibly thankful for the way God hemmed me in and worked on my heart so I can go into a relationship with maturity and a bit more wisdom. Like I said, this isn't unneeded  or unwanted... Just, Uncomfortable.


I'm uncomfortable because I'm done with my part of moving forward in joining staff and doing the justice fellowship. I filled out the applications, got references, made sure the emails were received and double checked all my answers. Now I just wait. And it's in the waiting that the doubts and questions sneak in and make me a little bit anxious. Again, with nothing to really occupy my time, it's hard to keep my mind at peace on this subject too.

I'm uncomfortable because there's a giant pickle jar in my living room that doesn't have enough money in it. Remember me mentioning the pickle jar before? Well, I can tell you why now... My family is adopting.  This is something my mom has talked about doing for yearssssssssssssss and now we finally have a little boy in the Ukraine that God has knit our hearts to. As amazing this is, it's uncomfortable. I already love this little boy and want him here to be with us. We aren't sure what to do without having the financial resources we need at the moment. There isn't a doubt in our minds that this baby is for our family OR that God will provide. But it's uncomfortable.

Everything I wanted to get done in my room and with my future is done on my end. I can't make a husband appear out of no where. I can't make money appear so we can adopt. I can't make the people tell me that I'm in or not. I have to wait. This isn't unwanted or unneeded. But it sure is uncomfortable. I want to honor God with my life this summer, I don't want to lay around thinking, "Gee, I wish there was something to do." I want to be a good steward of my time and my talents. I don't have a car and I will have very little income for the summer so that very much limits the way I spend my time. Being pulled from my comfort zone and stretched to see areas of darkness in my heart aren't exactly fun but I need them. Having the things that hinder love inside of me be burned away is painful but I want it. I want to continue to work through the things of my life that do not glorify God.

Jesus,
In my life would you have the glory. Especially when I am uncomfortable.
Amen.


Love,
Me

NIKO!

Dear Blogging Audience,

I AM GRADUATED! You are reading the words of an IHOPU 2 year certificate recipient. Thank you all for reading my blog while I walked out these past few months. They've been intense but they've been so worth it. Since being graduated, I've already written a song, applied to the Justice Fellowship that I am planning on doing in the fall for three months, partially finished the application to join staff, gotten connected for a summer job, done my laundry, cleaned my room, learned how to make peanut-butter/butternut squash pancakes, loved on my boys, spent 8 hours in the prayer room, balanced my check book, bought my return ticket home from my friend's wedding in July and hung up my new pictures on my bedroom wall. I feel so grown up.

I don't have much else to say except that I'm learning how to trust Jesus to make the big pictures He has shown me part of my little every day pictures. Just because I'm graduated doesn't mean I can go crazy and try to make everything happen. It's still my job to surrender, each and every day. Little things are unfolding. I give them back to Jesus. He shows me what He's doing. I let it go and tell Him that I trust Him all over. Learning how to be steady without being hemmed in by school, learning how to manage my time because I have much more of it to myself. Ooftah. I knew life would be "harder" once I graduated. Not in a bad way, just in a, "I'm the one in charge, I have to be the one to make the decision." way.

Oh, and in happy news, my hair is getting long and I love it. Also, click here.

Love,
Me

I choose joy.

Dear Blogging Audience,

So, here I am, just a few days before I graduate and I'm realizing something: I'm a whiner. I whine a lot. Maybe it's not always with my words but with my attitude, my actions, my lack of actions. Some way, some how, I show I am not satisfied and/or ungrateful for some reason or another. Why? Why, friends? Why must I think I am so high and mighty that I can look down my nose at anything? If I'm looking down at something, that means I have not gone to the lowest place. And the lowest place is where I'll find Jesus. If I am serious about finding Jesus, I need to take the lowest place seriously.

Yes, there are uncomfortable situations, there are things that really don't seem to add to life and yes, we do have different opinions and preferences. But how do I hold my heart in those times? Is it looking for a way to bless those around me? Is it resting in the knowledge that God is holding my every breath in His hand? Is it unoffended? When I am offended that means I have pride. When I whine that means I have pride. Pride is so ugly, guys.

The picture that keeps coming to mind is me, sitting in some uncomfortable situation but I'm rejoicing and happy because I've found the joy of the Lord in my circumstances. I don't mind what is going on because I have felt the love of my Father for me. I have confidence in the love my Bridegroom has for me. And I trust that justice will come to me from my Judge. I don't have to make it come. I don't have to worry about it. I can trust in the love of my Father.

The Lord is my Light and my Salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid? [Psalm 27:1]

Why do I not take this verse seriously? When I whine and complain and go on and on about not getting my own way, that is me not trusting how God leads me, where God is leading me to and His heart for me on my journey. That is me focused on temporary details that I don't remember for more than a day 95% of the time (unless I blog/journal/tweet about it). Being thankful for the little things, the big things, the in between things is a way that I show that I trust God that He really is my Light. He really is my Salvation. He really is my Stronghold. He really does have good plans for me.

When I complain and whine about something someone else did, I am saying I'm better than them. When you boil it down, it's me saying, "What you did/said wasn't good enough for me." Ugh! That ugly pride monster! Me looking down at another person made in the same Image I was made in! Me judging the thoughts and actions of others when I have no good thing apart from The Lord. Why don't I choose joy in those situations? Is my own physical discomfort in the way of rejoicing in The One that's bigger than any circumstance ever known to mankind? And then there's the fact that NO ONE can do ANYTHING to me outside of what my God has decided.

I have breath right now because the Creator God is saying to my body, "breathe." How can I be a whiner when my life is being sustained every moment by the Living God? Why do I feel like I can look down my nose at something when it is only because God is actively giving me life that keeps me alive in those moments? And that's not even the personal ways God has touched my life: I've had my body healed, I've had my heart restored, I've had my needs met and dreams become reality. I've been loved and blessed. I have people to love and bless. I have communion with the Holy Spirit and Jesus is coming back for me. For me! Oh, glory! What a beautiful thought! And I let the fact that it's hot outside steal my joy... My weak flesh. My strong pride. 

I don't know about you, but I don't want to whine. I don't enjoy whining. Especially not when others do it. I want to be found rejoicing even in the times of discomfort. I want to rejoice with others, not look down at them. I don't want my pride to say, "THIS IS MY RIGHT!" and be upset and ungrateful. So, this will be easy, right? ;) I know this is hard. But finding that joy that lights someone up from the inside out because they have an unshakable trust in God is worth going to the lowest places for. 

Love,
Me

One Day It's Gonna Happen...

Hi Blogging Audience,

I wanted to update because it's May. May of 2012. This... is a huge month for me. Why? I can't tell you. But it is huge and after I graduate in 17 days, I'm going to have a lot more time to think about all the implications that May 2012 means for my future. One day it's gonna happen...

My family has a giant pickle jar of change on the top of our book shelf in our living room. Why? Well, I can't tell you that either. Not yet. But it's amazing and I have yet to contemplate how different life with be once the jar gets filled and the change happens. One day it's gonna happen....

I cannot tell you how bittersweet this home stretch of doing IHOPU is for me. I will be overjoyed to have no more books to read or papers to write or practice logs to turn in or assignments to finish before deadlines or awkward seating arrangements. Praise the Lamb. One day it's gonna happen... May 20th, 2012.

But... that also means no more worship team. No more running hard with a few hundred of the most awesome people in the world. No more favorite teacher. No more rising to the challenge, whatever it may be. No more having the opportunity to have some of the most humble and anointed leadership in my life. No more school pride. One day it's gonna happen... May 20th, 2012.

There is a certain direction I'm headed once school ends and I know that I can be excited about it but I'm not yet. I'm not exactly sure what it's all going to look like but there will be children and nations and learning to love in practical and life-changing ways. Yes, I am putting off the application process because I'm pretending that things aren't changing. But... isn't this what I wanted? Yes. And I believe this is the open door that God was talking about when He told me to graduate. One day it's gonna happen... August 10th, 2012.

I get to see my best friend. And my other best friend. And my other best friend. And my other best friend. I get to fly on an air plane for the first time since leaving Morocco. I get to leave the country for the first time since leaving Morocco. I get to see my best friend for the first time since leaving Morocco. Words can't describe the depths of excitement I have inside of my little heart right now. It'll probably mess me up for months afterwards because this goodbye is going to reopen a very painful scar on my heart but it's going to be worth it. One day it's going to happen... July 7th, 2012.

So, hopefully I'll have more big news on my blog about why May 2012 is significant in my life and why we have a giant pickle jar with money in it in our living room  before too long. We'll just have to wait and see. But know this, one day it's gonna happen... For sure.

Love,
Me