Romans 12.

Dear Blogging Audience,

This morning I flipped my bible open to read John 14 and 15 because that is where I automatically turn to when I want to mediate on something. But instead my bible opened to Romans chapter 12. I stopped and decided that re-reading what used to be my favorite chapter in the bible could be a good idea. In light of the Justice Fellowship starting tomorrow, this was the perfect scripture to feed on.

As I read about offering myself as a living sacrifice because of God's mercy toward me, I realized how much more I need that mercy than I did when I first read it years ago. His mercy is so great. So needed. I've been so blind, so weak, so cold, and so proud. But God has mercy on me and leads me so faithfully and so gently. How can I do anything less than lay myself down as a living sacrifice for Him? This is true worship. I long to worship him truly. My heart's desire is to be a true worshiper and from this verse, I know what that looks like- complete surrender. Letting the renewing of my mind effect my thoughts and actions. Allowing the Holy Spirit to keep transforming me as I gaze on Jesus. Wasting my life on the Lover of my Soul.
My favorite verse from the passage is [still] verse 9.

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

In a society where so many people are loving what is evil and letting their innocence be stripped from them, this is not a popular view on life. How do you hate what is evil when it is in every form of entertainment and part of our daily lives? How do you cling to what is good? Do you stand on your soap box and try your hardest to stay above those that are below you? But how do you sincerely love someone if you're constantly trying to stay above them in an attempt to cling to good things?
I'm thinking about all the different people I'm going to be meeting in these next few months. There are going to be broken people, angry people, bitter and depressed people. There will be people who had their innocence taken from them and people who gave it away. I am still going to have to really love others, hate evil and cling to what is good. I am going to have to cling to Jesus. I am going to have keep my heart alive. I am going to have to keep my heart tender. My love must be sincere.
This is why it is so important to never be lacking in zeal and to never lose my passion for Jesus. It is so easy to love what is evil when my spirit is dull and it's impossible to really love someone when I am not  keeping my heart connected to The Vine. Loving others comes out of loving Jesus. I can't be joyful in hope, patient in affliction or faithful in prayer without zeal for serving God. The moment I let my heart become dull, I don't see the mercy God is pouring out on me. All I can think about is how uncomfortable it is to lay down my life as a living sacrifice. I don't see the reward in clinging to what is good when everyone tells me that I am being foolish. I can't love well, practice hospitality or share in someone else's joy or sorrow without my heart being alive.
The subject of humility is all over in this chapter. Not just surrendering to God but being a part of the body of Christ, serving them and preferring them above myself. Being devoted in love to my brothers and sisters requires humility and having a heart to go low. Blessing those who persecute me requires me to find my identity in God and God alone, laying down every single right and resting in the fact that I have a Righteous Judge. When I am confident in who God says I am and I have my heart set on going low, that's when I can truly rejoice with someone who is rejoicing. That is when I can truly mourn with someone who is mourning, no matter how I feel. I can associate with people that the world looks down on- the orphan, the widow, the foreigner, the homeless, the sick, the prostitute. I cannot remember God's great mercy toward me and think I am superior.

The last verse is something my mother told me almost every time I left the house to go hang out with friends. She said it to my older brother, she said it to my little sister and there will come a day when my little brothers will hear it too.

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

As I start my Fellowship, this is exactly what I will be doing; overcoming evil with good. I'm going to be loving those that have been rejected, I will be listening to the voiceless, I will be speaking truth over those that those who are bound by lies, I will be bringing awareness of those who are ignored.
This is impossible unless I remember God's mercy, I surrender my life to Him as a living sacrifice, I go low, I keep my heart alive and I cling to Jesus' goodness.

Love,
Me

 

Uncomfortable.

Dear Blogging Audience,

I was thinking the other day what word would be describe this current season in my life. It's not Unwanted because I really do want what God has for me. It's not Unneeded because God never has me go through things that are unnecessary. But it's Uncomfortable.

I'm uncomfortable because I thought by now I'd be doing something with someone and there is no something or someone. During school it was easy to not think about how single I really was. Now that I don't have a job or commitments to take up most of my time, I can't ignore it anymore. I have waited so much longer than I ever anticipated and I am so incredibly thankful for the way God hemmed me in and worked on my heart so I can go into a relationship with maturity and a bit more wisdom. Like I said, this isn't unneeded  or unwanted... Just, Uncomfortable.


I'm uncomfortable because I'm done with my part of moving forward in joining staff and doing the justice fellowship. I filled out the applications, got references, made sure the emails were received and double checked all my answers. Now I just wait. And it's in the waiting that the doubts and questions sneak in and make me a little bit anxious. Again, with nothing to really occupy my time, it's hard to keep my mind at peace on this subject too.

I'm uncomfortable because there's a giant pickle jar in my living room that doesn't have enough money in it. Remember me mentioning the pickle jar before? Well, I can tell you why now... My family is adopting.  This is something my mom has talked about doing for yearssssssssssssss and now we finally have a little boy in the Ukraine that God has knit our hearts to. As amazing this is, it's uncomfortable. I already love this little boy and want him here to be with us. We aren't sure what to do without having the financial resources we need at the moment. There isn't a doubt in our minds that this baby is for our family OR that God will provide. But it's uncomfortable.

Everything I wanted to get done in my room and with my future is done on my end. I can't make a husband appear out of no where. I can't make money appear so we can adopt. I can't make the people tell me that I'm in or not. I have to wait. This isn't unwanted or unneeded. But it sure is uncomfortable. I want to honor God with my life this summer, I don't want to lay around thinking, "Gee, I wish there was something to do." I want to be a good steward of my time and my talents. I don't have a car and I will have very little income for the summer so that very much limits the way I spend my time. Being pulled from my comfort zone and stretched to see areas of darkness in my heart aren't exactly fun but I need them. Having the things that hinder love inside of me be burned away is painful but I want it. I want to continue to work through the things of my life that do not glorify God.

Jesus,
In my life would you have the glory. Especially when I am uncomfortable.
Amen.


Love,
Me

One Day It's Gonna Happen...

Hi Blogging Audience,

I wanted to update because it's May. May of 2012. This... is a huge month for me. Why? I can't tell you. But it is huge and after I graduate in 17 days, I'm going to have a lot more time to think about all the implications that May 2012 means for my future. One day it's gonna happen...

My family has a giant pickle jar of change on the top of our book shelf in our living room. Why? Well, I can't tell you that either. Not yet. But it's amazing and I have yet to contemplate how different life with be once the jar gets filled and the change happens. One day it's gonna happen....

I cannot tell you how bittersweet this home stretch of doing IHOPU is for me. I will be overjoyed to have no more books to read or papers to write or practice logs to turn in or assignments to finish before deadlines or awkward seating arrangements. Praise the Lamb. One day it's gonna happen... May 20th, 2012.

But... that also means no more worship team. No more running hard with a few hundred of the most awesome people in the world. No more favorite teacher. No more rising to the challenge, whatever it may be. No more having the opportunity to have some of the most humble and anointed leadership in my life. No more school pride. One day it's gonna happen... May 20th, 2012.

There is a certain direction I'm headed once school ends and I know that I can be excited about it but I'm not yet. I'm not exactly sure what it's all going to look like but there will be children and nations and learning to love in practical and life-changing ways. Yes, I am putting off the application process because I'm pretending that things aren't changing. But... isn't this what I wanted? Yes. And I believe this is the open door that God was talking about when He told me to graduate. One day it's gonna happen... August 10th, 2012.

I get to see my best friend. And my other best friend. And my other best friend. And my other best friend. I get to fly on an air plane for the first time since leaving Morocco. I get to leave the country for the first time since leaving Morocco. I get to see my best friend for the first time since leaving Morocco. Words can't describe the depths of excitement I have inside of my little heart right now. It'll probably mess me up for months afterwards because this goodbye is going to reopen a very painful scar on my heart but it's going to be worth it. One day it's going to happen... July 7th, 2012.

So, hopefully I'll have more big news on my blog about why May 2012 is significant in my life and why we have a giant pickle jar with money in it in our living room  before too long. We'll just have to wait and see. But know this, one day it's gonna happen... For sure.

Love,
Me

All is for Your Glory.

Hello Patient Blogging Audience,

I can't tell you how many blog entries I had started in my head, and I actually had one started about a week ago but they just never made it to the publish button. I wanted to write about hearing someone say, "God loves weddings. He really does." and how that shifted a wrong view I had of God. I wanted to write about my incredible Wisconsin team and how bonded we became. I wanted to write about my first set in the Global Prayer Room (GPR) and how God set my heart to sing to an audience of One. I wanted to write about how my little brother is flying by himself to another state for 6 weeks and how much I'm going to miss him. But I couldn't because I have found myself in the midst of an incredibly busy school semester. After spring break, we changed theology classes and we have one of the best classes in the school. This class just so happens to involve daily and weekly homework that makes a fairly tight schedule get to that point of bringing me to tears. I love the content of the class. I love the teacher. I love the check lists. I just have realized that my homework is increasing dramatically this quarter. Because of this, my blog will probably not be tended to as faithfully. But when I get to the end of this semester, I will feel like I've actually completed something worth bragging about. Not that I want to brag about it. Anyways. Moving on...

On Sunday I went to a bible study that I usually attend. It's not really a bible study but I call it that for the sake of simplicity. It's a group of women that meet bi-weekly and hear someone speak. Anyways, this last Sunday we had a lady who took the time to prophesy over every lady in the room. I was almost the last person in the line and I was curious to see what she would say because she had been saying something different over each person. The other ladies had received good words about things in their past that added to their present, little nuggets of who God made them to be, truth about callings, ect. When she got to me she asked me my name. I told her and right away she said,

"Baylea, you are the most noble among women." 

Didn't really see that one coming. She talked about how nobility have this way about them that other people didn't get. Of all the words people have spoken over me, I do not remember a word that hit my heart like that one. I always feel a bit awkward in that group because it's a group of about 40 beautiful young women who dress in adorable outfits and have such huge hearts for Jesus. I look and feel so small next to them. Even this last Sunday, I was not dressed in my finest. I was sitting with my feet on the chair and my knees pulled up to my chin like a little kid. And then bam! Most noble among women.

I don't even know what that exactly means but all of a sudden, I took myself seriously. I saw myself as important. I saw myself on the inside, not on the outside. My Father is the King of Glory. I have royalty in my blood. There is a confidence in my heart that wasn't there before. My Jesus hears me. He is for me. I can live knowing that I have an unshakable hope and love vast as an ocean. Jesus Christ.

That being said, my heart has been longing for a new development in my waiting for my husband. It's been a struggle looking at the coming weeks and thinking, "I have no idea when this young man will find me." and setting my heart to wait. But not just wait. I want to finish my single years well. With joy. With peace. With hope. With confidence. With excellence. Just as I am applying myself to finish my time in school to the best of my ability, I want to end my life as a single person bringing glory to Jesus' name. Daily I remind my soul to find joy in the Lord. Daily I speak the words, "Jesus, only You satisfy." and they are a comfort. Today Jesus used a freshman to encourage me to wait for my husband. It wasn't anything complicated. It didn't need to be! Honestly, just hearing the same words that people have been telling me for years is enough. Wait, Baylea. Just wait. He's coming. He's going to love you. Never underestimate the power of a well timed simple truth. 


I will close this blog with the disclaimer that I do not know when I'll have time to write again. However, if you read this anytime between now and May 18th, please feel free to pray for me. A well timed simple prayer is powerful as well.

Love,
Me

Official Announcement

Hello Blog Audience,

Here it is. The official announcement that most of you have not been expecting or waiting for. Yet, here it is nonetheless.

I'm graduating.

That's right, folks! Your girl is up and moving on! I have "known" for probably my whole IHOPU career that I was going to do only two years but I didn't want to rule out the possibility of four years if that was what God wanted me to do. I love IHOPU and I would do two more years in a heart beat if I didn't have the overwhelming sense of Jesus guiding me into new things. I don't even know what they all are but I feel like once they start, they aren't going to stop for a while and they will require me in a way that I would not be able to give if I was going to be a student. From what I can tell right now, I'm going to be swimming in free time with no families to babysit for and no school and all the homework and extra stuff that goes along with it. Although school won't end until May and my families aren't leaving until June. My "free time" might have turned into something else by then.

I think one of the hardest parts about finally saying that I was for sure going to graduate was the fact that I do really love this school. I love my classmates, I love the training, I adore my teachers and the way they bend over backwards to give us the best that they possibly can. There is something that grew inside of me over these past three and a half semesters and I'm not the same hurting and immature 22 yr old girl that I was when I started. I loved Jesus and I knew He could do anything but now I love Jesus and know He can do anything. In a totally different way that is the same. When I started I had only been in the states for 5 months and I thought I was going to die with all the strangers and no one talked to me and I was in culture shock and then I went to California. I made friends and memories and realized how powerful our school is as a whole. What other school calls off school for 3 weeks so that they can send as much of the student body as they can to Southern California just so that they can strengthen houses of prayer and witness on college campuses? I started the music part of FMA and began to pour out my life as a prophetic musician on the piano. I learned how to play with excellence. I learned how to play from my heart. I learned how to play with humility. I learned how to play with a team that was going somewhere. I cried because I was tired. I cried because I needed Jesus. I cried because I was tender. I cried because my heart was aching. I survived because I leaned against the heartbeat of my Beloved. I survived because of the grace of God. I survived because I chose to set my heart on Jesus and not the things of this world. I survived because I had a great cloud of witnesses around me, praying and prophesying over me. I survived and some days that really was a miracle.

I hated having to tell people I was considering graduating because I knew that my teachers and leaders wanted to see me go through all four years. As I started telling people what God was speaking to my heart, though, I began to see them excited for me. And it was a wonderful feeling. My favorite teacher gave me one of her special smiles and said, "That's amazing!" My small group leaders told me, "God has great plans for you!" and even though there were a few negative responses, for the most part, everyone shared in my joy. It's bittersweet. I'll miss the people I have classes with and my worship team and doing my class cheer with my sophomores and the things that students are required privileged to do. I'll miss small group and be a part of all the different things an FMA girl is a part of and being on the inside. I love my IHOPU family.

Well... Who knows what this next season will look like though. This may just be surface level compared to where I am going. I comfort myself with the fact that I'll still be in the area and I'll still get to spend hours in the prayer room and I'll still get to run around the IHOPU campus hugging my friends. Yes, this last semester was hard but not hard enough to make me want to quit without God guiding me into something new. It is those hard seasons that really strengthen you and teach you how to live life in humility. I can't wait to see my future unfold one day at a time as I continue forward under the faithful leadership of Jesus. Letting go has always been hard but my heart really is excited for this new phase to start. 


This really is a journey.
Love,
Me

Open Doors

Dear Blog Audience,

I don't know how many of you actually read this because the commenting system on blogger is a lot more complicated than on facebook so taking the time to comment is not usually done. I know. I don't usually comment on anyone's blog except for Faith Kelley's because... well, because she's my best friend. None of this really has anything to do with my main topic for the night though. If I were an awesome writing, I'd find some sort of connecter but I... Haha, I just reread what I wrote and I wrote, "If I were an awesome WRITING..." Okay, moving on!

My life has seemed pretty much the same as it has for the past year or so. I do school, family, Jesus, prayer room, babysitting, friends and being single really well because that is the rhythm I've created. It's been awesome and I've enjoyed the routine of living at home, keeping busy with school, loving on the kids I babysit for and having time to just sit and worship Jesus in and out of the prayer room, with and without friends. Because really, when you love Jesus and your friend loves Jesus and you spend time together and you leave feeling edified and loved, that is an act of worship as well.
I like routine. I like sameness and normalcy and familiarity. Maybe it's because I spent so many years on a never ending change of houses, places, countries, friends, neighbors, family, travel, school and lifestyles that I clung to any semblance of routine so tightly. Now that I'm here, settled in one city for two years this month and in the same house for two years in June doing the same school for two years in May and still being single for four years in June, I'm finding that I'm itching for something to change. I want to get on an air plane again. I want to pack my life into a couple suitcases again. I want to be smacked in the face with culture shock again. I want to have a different view from my bed room window. I want to have different foods in my kitchen. Not constantly changing, mind you. Just for now. I'm hitting the "it's been two years so we're obviously going to move again." mark and knowing that this is the first time in 14 years that we will be passing the two year mark in the same house is making me jittery. Maybe change was my normal and that's why I want it so badly right now... 
All that to say, I think some change is finally coming. I have felt it all year that this year is going to be a new season for me. I don't know exactly what it will look like but things are beginning to come to light finally. For a while I thought maybe it was just me wanting to be in a new season because nothing seemed to change. I was still in school. I was still a babysitter. I was still living at home. I still loved Jesus and I was still single. And it didn't look like that was ever going to change. It would continue to be like that for as far as I could see.

The shift began on Friday night when the family I have babysat for the longest said, "You want to move to Colorado?" I didn't realize what they meant was, "We're moving to Colorado, you should move there too so you can continue to babysit for our children." And not just them but two other families that I babysit for weekly. That is three out of four. Not only did it make me sad, (because I love those families dearly and adore their children.) but it kind of freaked me out. That's the majority of my income right there, moving to Colorado. That means a new job or something else that doesn't require me having a job. I don't know. But it definitely means a new season.
Then today I sang with Pablo Perez. For those of you who do not know Pablo, he is the head of FMA (Forerunner Music Academy) and is from Argentina. On Friday I was asked to sing with him which shocked me because he's only heard me sing once and I didn't think it was that great but he apparently liked it. Naturally, I said yes. I mean, come on, the head guy over my whole school just asked me to sing with him for a conference! I'm not stupid and I wasn't busy so there you have it. I said yes. Anyways, I felt like me singing with him was going to open up a door somewhere that would lead me into my next season. I didn't know what that would look like. The conference I was going to sing at was  Korean one so I was imagining all sorts of things that could happen... I showed up to sing with him today, he said, "Baylea, I'm starting a team for the Prayer Room and I want you to be one of the singers. Pray about it." And the light bulb clicked on. That was my door. Really? That easy? And that amazing???
So there you have it. Things are finally changing and I hope that this satisfies my urge for change because I don't think I'm going to be moving houses or cities any time soon. What this means for school and boyfriend and loving Jesus... well, I'll still love Jesus but the jury is out for the other two. If you'd like to take some of your precious time and comment, I'd love to hear your thoughts on my changing times. But other than that, I believe I have written all I needed to for the night.

Love,
Me

"A lack of joy in worship is pride and unbelief in your life." Laura Hackett

Dear Blog Audience,

As a leader of a worship team semester, I am I learning all sorts of things that I never realized a worship leader had to deal with. Some things have been easy and learned so quickly they were hardly an issue (like using the talk back and playing at the same time, staying on the click, and falling in love with my team.). Other things have been harder to learn. There have been days when I've been tired and struggling to come up with choruses or staying on tune or remembering to direct the other musicians on the team and get the best feel for the song. There have been days when I've been ready to lead, so excited to play and sing for Jesus and take my team with me as we sing the word or intercede. It's been such a positive experience for me and I am thankful for my school giving me a safe environment to learn worship leading skills in. Even if I do mess up, I'm not freaking out because there is a room full of people or because I'm leading a church service. It's just a bunch of students and a coach that is there to help us learn from our "train wrecks" as we call them. Not everyone gets this type of safety as they lead a team of people musically and spiritually.
The biggest place of warfare that I've had since I started leading worship, however, hasn't been with my team mates or with the music. It has been with my mind. My thoughts. My heart. My emotions. I've been struggling to keep my thoughts humble and encouraging. I have always been quick to judge things and I have prayed long and hard that I would be quick to love like Jesus, not take what my eyes see and turn that into my perception of that person or situation. I haven't always been satisfied with my leadership abilities, or my voice or my piano playing. I compare myself mercilessly and sometimes it's out of a prideful, "I can do this better" spirit and sometimes its out of a, "I might as well quit, I'm the worst person on the team" spirit. Back and forth, up and down, in and out my thoughts have gone literally EVERYWHERE since this semester started. I'd think something and then instantly reprimand myself for thinking it. It was about clothes and music and voice and choruses and situations and home life and a bajillion more things. As you can probably tell by now, it was a huge battle for me.
On Tuesdays, we have chapel for the music school. One of my favorite worship leaders, Laura Hackett, spoke to us and most of what she talked about was her own struggle as she became a worship leader and she hit on the thought life of a prophetic musician/singer.

"When you have those thoughts, you just have to repent and keep going because your attitude and unrepentant heart could keep your entire team from going someplace with God." 

That was the gist of what hit me. I could relate with almost everything she said and her words of wisdom to just repent and move on was exactly what I needed to hear. The next day I was leading so I started debrief off with an apology as their worship leader of letting thoughts of jealousy and pride and disunity hold me back and affect our team. They all nodded and said, "Yeah, us too!" and that set was the best set I've ever led. I felt the Spirit so strong and it was a joy to lead my team to partner with God. I think what we were really feeling was freedom and joy. It was awesome.
I know I have a long way to go as a worship leader but I am thankful for all the lessons I am learning along the way. I'm not going to ever have a perfect set or a perfect team but I will have sets and teams that are someone and help me grow in love. And that is exactly what I want!

Love,
Me

Dear Little Sisters....

Dear Little Sisters,

This post is especially for you. Why? Well, I love you. All of you. And I see part of me inside of you and I want to be the one that helps you avoid some of the most confusing things I had to go through when I was your age. Your heart is so precious and your innocence is priceless. I want to help you guard and protect them and push you higher than I am right now. Because that's what big sisters are for. 

First of all- You're beautiful. You can wear old gramma sweaters and bright purple snow pants for the rest of your life with a poodle perm and still be gorgeous. You could never touch another tube of lipstick or put on mascara again and still be attractive. Yes, part of your beauty is on the outside but honestly, it's the light inside of you that is shining so brightly that makes you stunning. Your eyes glow and your smile lights up your whole face because you're confident in the love that created the whole world. You know you have the most beautiful Man that is going to come for you and be with you forever at the end of time. And when that day comes it's not going to matter how many times you straightened your hair or wore cute dresses, it will matter if you went into your secret place and poured your love out on this Man and received His love back. When you do that, you can't help but look more beautiful on the outside because of the way you hold yourself. You have that child-like faith to fills you with so much joy. So much peace. Those things on the inside can be so obvious on the outside that people stop and stare and wonder what on earth you have. You're beautiful! I love seeing you all dressed up and taking care of what you look like on the outside because we're special and dressing with the mindset that we are important to God is a wonderful and right thing. But it's what I see coming from the inside that makes me burst with pride. I see you walking with your head held high with or without a boyfriend, with or without the latest style of shoes and clothes, with or without a wonderful family life back home, with or without the perfect this or that. You've learned that those things don't make you or if you're not there yet, you're learning. You're more than all of those things and they don't have to be what defines you. You lay down those things and listen to what all of heaven is saying about you. What God is saying about you. Even on the days when the perfect guy walks right past you after getting all dressed up and you feel like crap, even on the days when you have a fight with both of your parents, you sister and you kick your dog and you feel so angry, even on the days when people say things about you just to tear you down and you feel like the least important person in the world. Guess what.... You're His favorite one. Those times when things don't go your way He's still saying, "You are precious to me. Let me restore your heart. Let me love you." Those days are so hard! But when we take those times and run into the arms of Perfect Love, we come out even stronger. We'll find that little by little, as we grow up, there will be situations that used to frustrate or hurt us that don't anymore, because we've found an unshakable identity in the Jesus Christ, the Son of God. All the men in the world can never give us that type of security and no person, place or thing in the world could satisfy our hearts like Jesus. When that becomes your reality, you're whole world changes.
Secondly- You are strong. So strong. Don't believe me? Look at yourself. You are a beautiful, pure, full of life creation in a dying, perverse and ugly world. And you're still alive. You still believe in Love and you know that there are good plans for you. Only those that are strong can get to be your age and still believe that purity and holiness is better than pleasures of this world. There is a humility that comes with being truly strong because you know your strength is not your own. It belongs to the One who saved you from sin and death. You rest in the assurance that you can call upon that strength that is immeasurable. The same power that raised Christ from the dead is inside of you simply because of God's great love for you. (don't believe me? Read Eph. 1:17-2:10.) How humbling! How awesome! How contrary to the world's perspective to know that even when we are weak, we are strong because we have a power source that never diminishes. Ever. You show strength when you choose to walk away from temptations. You show strength when you choose to love the annoying, immature person that everyone makes fun of. You show strength when you choose the man of your dreams based on what is inside of him, not what is outside. You show strength when you dress with modesty because that's not what the world is telling you to do. You may be the only one with her body covered but you will also be the only one that guys will actually respect and want to pursue a REAL relationship with. (Unless of course you don't know any real men. Then they'll just all be scared of you because you show them that they aren't men and they're not as cool as they thought they were. If this is the case, DO NOT SETTLE!)  You show strength when you choose to live the lifestyle Jesus calls us to in the Sermon on the Mount. Fasting. Giving. Blessing our enemies. Praying. Serving. Those things take strength! Being humble takes strength! Choosing Jesus every day takes strength yet here you are, so beautiful and strong. I'm so proud to call you my little sisters. Really. 
Thirdly- You are a treasure. A jewel. Something hidden away in Jesus until the right person catches a glimpse of it or hears a rumor about it and says, "Yes! I want my life goal to be searching for this treasure and loving this treasure and having this treasure as my very own to protect and take care of." There are going to be really rough days ahead of you. For real. But this journey of waiting is one of the most precious things you can ever give that man you will one day marry. I can't wait for the day that I get to see you in your white dress, gazing up into the eyes of true love without a single regret. We'll never have a journey that is perfect, we'll all stumble at times but the whole point is to get back up, clinging to your purity and your dignity and saying, "I set my heart to wait. Again. Today. And every day until I am pursued and someone captures my heart." Right now, I am sure I'll love whoever you pick but in case someone tells you  something different or some very awful thing happens and you are stupid for a moment, these are some guidelines that I've learned in my waiting years:

1)If this man does not love and respect your family, and especially your parents, he is so not the one. 2)If this man does not love push you and challenge you spiritually to become a better person and love Jesus and others more, he is not the one.3)If this man manipulates you to get what he wants, HE IS NOT THE ONE!4)If this man does not treat you like a treasure because he's so full of himself, he's definitely not the one.5)If this man makes you do all the communicating and work in the relationship, he's not the one.6)If this man does not respect your time, he is not the one.7)If this man does not have the same heart for orphans or the nations or family or whatever your dream is that you have, he is obviously not the one.8)If this man cannot get off his butt and get a job or show responsibility, he is not the one.9)If this man is not willing to face real life but hides away from problems, he is not the one.10)If this man is disrespectful to others, he is very much not the one.

I know some of those are very obvious but really, when you're having a lonely day and someone comes up, says the right things and makes you feel better, you can close your eyes to a lot of important things. Sometimes those guys need to grow up and in a few years they'll be wonderful young men. But sometimes they don't and the last thing you need to do is wait around for a guy that may or may not become worth the wait. Take your single years to pray for God's heart for you. If you don't love yourself, you're not going to wait for someone who loves your (truly) either. When you realize the wonderfulness that is YOU that God really does love and adore and has good plans for, you'll think, "Why settle for this guy that doesn't even want to work? Why settle for that guy that doesn't listen to me when I talk? I'm worth pursuing. I'm worth being taken care of by a husband. I'm worth having a man who listens to me." I want you to get that truth inside of you. I just told you how beautiful and strong you are, but take those things and listen to what God is saying about you. He's so happy to talk to you about you because He loves you! And it's in His heart to give you a husband that will really love you as Christ loves the church. I pray that you all find husbands that you respect more than anyone else in the world (except for maybe your parents...) and that you trust so much you submit to their God given leadership over you. I pray that you'll be pursued by men who will set physical boundaries so high because he knows how precious you are and how weak human flesh is. That they won't be pushing you to lower them, but calling you to even higher expressions of purity. Let us be women that treat our male friends with respect by not flirting with them or dressing immodestly around them or talking about things that are inappropriate to talk about with guys. We don't have to play dumb and think that things don't affect them because they don't show it. We can be wise and love them well with our purity and one day, a man of God will see you doing that and think, "I want a wife that will act like that. I want her." 

Life has a way of not turning out the way we thought it would. It has a way of knocking us down harder than we were expecting and rubbing us in the dirt so we feel more shame than we ever knew was humanly possible. But the wonderful thing is that God uses brokenness to sometimes teach the most important lessons in life. Never underestimate the amount of influence you have one someone's life. You will be a big sister too one day and realize how many little eyes are watching you. You guys have pushed me to reach for Jesus so many times and I have reached this point because I knew that you were looking to me to be an example. I know I haven't been perfect but I do love you and I pray for you to know just how strong and beautiful of a treasure you truly are. 
Love,
Your big sister

Journey of Love

Who is this Beautiful Man?

The One who is shining like the sun.

His eyes are burning with passion and glowing with meekness.

His hands are scarred.

His side pierced.

His voice like the sound of thunder and the sound of a waterfall.

Who is this Beautiful Man?

This One that is clothed in light.

His countenance is majestic and humble.

His mouth is sweet.

Nothing but truth comes from Him.

From His heart, His mouth, His mind.

Such a radiant peace shines from His frame. 

Love overflows from His smile.

Joy pours from His heart.

Who is this Beautiful Man?

So different from every other man I've ever known.

When I look at Him I feel alive.

His passion for me stirs passion for Him and I cannot stay silent.

His feet run over mountains, through the wilderness, across the valleys.

I must follow Him!

Please, Let me stay with You!

My heart cries out.

Don't leave me here without Your beauty.

Your love.

Your peace.

Your safety.

I know that running over the mountains of life with You would be better than being here without You.

I know that following You into the season of loss and solitude is better than being here without You.

I know that finding You in choosing humility is better than being here without You.

Your beauty has touched something inside.

Something I didn't even know I had.

The deepest longing I have ever felt in my life is now awakened.

The strongest passion that my heart can handle.

A desire that surpasses that of ordinary love.

No.

This is Real Love.

Come back, oh Beautiful Man! 

You alone have the words of life!

You alone speak comfort to my soul.

You alone can calm the raging fears in my heart.

I see You!

You're looking in at me.

Your eyes are blazing, I can feel the heat.

Your face is shining, it's piercing the darkness around me.

Your hand is pressed against the window pane and I see, once again, the mark of love on Your palm.

"It was for you." 

I hear the whisper and my heart skips a beat.

"It was all for love."

Love is awakening inside of me.

"My desire for you carried me through to the end."

No one has ever loved like this man.

If I stay and He goes, I will surely die without Him.

Stay with me!

I cry.

"I cannot stay."

The voice breaks my heart. 

So tender.

So solemn.

I look around and realize that there is nothing of comfort that is worth keeping and losing Him for.

No friend, family, possession, position, house or plan.

Suddenly, I know what I must do.

Nothing can keep me here away from that Beautiful man!

Nothing!

I must leave all behind.

I must take the way of the cross.

I must take the way of suffering.

There is a whisper in my heart that knows a blessed hope.

This hope is that no pain in this life will be worse than the exchange of glory the next life will give me.

I choose You!

My heart finds freedom in the declaration.

I will run!

But wait... Where are You?

My heart aches.

The emptiness threatens to crush me.

My soul lay lifeless.

Giver of life, come back to me.

I can barely lift my voice. 

"Come away!"

An echo reaches me and I know who it is.

It is the Beautiful Man.

There is no question in my heart as I leave my comfort.

I leave all things familiar.

I let go of what I earned.

Nothing compares to that echo that is drawing me out.

All flesh is grass!

I know this world is not my home.

Even the days of my life are but a shadow in the infinitude of eternity.

Home?

Where is home?

"Come away!"

Suddenly, I know.

My home is with Him.

Here.

There.

He is my inheritance.

My portion.

My reward.

A small door is in front of me and I know the Beautiful Man is on the other side.

"Come away!"

His voice is louder.

I cannot get through the door any other way than to leave everything behind.

I say yes and push through.

Suddenly, He is there!

His eyes, His hands, His face, His beauty.

My soul drinks deeply of this Man.

Peace surrounds me, Love carries me, Joy fills me, Hope guides me.

On the mountains of life.

In the wilderness.

Deep in the valleys of humility where I am alone.

Soon my eyes will blaze like His eyes.

Soon my heart will overflow with love.

My face will shine.

My thoughts and words will be truth. 

Soon.

On the day when my faith is made sight.

On the day when my clay pot bursts to reveal the glory that is placed in me.

No more mirrors.

No more shadows.

Real Love.

Face to face.

Draw me away!

You have been faithful to my heart.

Draw me away!

Nothing compares to You.

Draw me away!

I want to be like you. 

Just like you.

Come, Beautiful Man. Come home.

"The Next Generation Is Coming Through Us."

Hello Blogging Audience,

Tonight at my Women's Captured meeting we had a phenomenal woman of God come and talk to us. The main topic of her message was women and the wounds on our hearts. She said many thought provoking and and true statements but one thing that struck me hard on the inside was when she said,

"Girls, the next generation is coming through us."

I never heard it phrased that way. It gave it such a sobering meaning. As a woman, I will be entrusted with the next generation coming from my womb and from my house. All through out history, since the very beginning of humanity, the next generation always came from the women.
On one hand, I'm honored to partner with God in raising up the next generation of men and women that will be history makers. But on the other hand, I'm terrified. I look around and see girls that aren't ready to be mamas. I see girls that can't even look someone in the eye because they have so little sense of self worth, how will this girl look at her beautiful daughter and say, "You're a princess." I see girls that dress like they've been treated- cheap. How will this girl raise a son who will respect women? I see girls that are still little kids on the inside, how will these girls be the authority and example that their children need? I see girls that think that fathers aren't important because they never had a father and the lie has blinded them from seeing the critical role a father has in the life of his son and daughter. How will her son grow up and be a man? How will her daughter grow up and know how to be in a trusting relationship with a guy?

These things are all common in my generation. Bitterness, unforgiveness, anger, jealousy, pride, self-pity, we ALL have these things in our hearts! And when we don't address them and take them to The Healer, we're going to raise a generation that says it's okay to be in an immoral relationship. They'll say it's okay to be mean, to be proud, to hold grudges, to put others down so that you feel better and to lie to cover yourself. I am not okay with this.

We, as women, must take our stand to be the example to the next generation. Whether it's your child or your sister's child or your neighbor's child or a child you see at wal-mart. Exemplify respect for elders, for your husband, for others in general. Go low and serve with a happy heart. Listen to them, encourage them, speak truth and identity over them. I want to see the next generation be the most God-fearing, truth loving, love giving and humble generation that has ever walk on the planet earth but they're not going to just be born like that. They're going to look to us as mothers, sisters, aunts, friends and people of authority. What we show them will be mirrored back to us. These little ones will come from us, our friends, our relatives, our neighbors and our peers. God wants to partner with us to raise a holy generation who will be filled with the Holy Spirit from the womb.

Jesus, show me how. Amen.

Love,
Me

Gut-wrenching sobs

Dear blog audience,

for those of you who don't know me, I'm a crier. I have no shame in my tears. If I'm upset, I cry. If I'm sad, I cry, if I'm lonely I cry, if I'm being touched by the Lord I cry, if I'm happy I cry. Sometimes it's only a couple tears and me getting choked up. Sometimes it's a longer time of tears where I need to be alone and feel what is in my heart. Rarely is it gut wrenching sobs. 

I think the first time I actually sobbed from the pit of my stomach was in 2009. The Fes Youth Group was having an all night prayer meeting and someone said something about how almost everyone in the youth group was going to be leaving. There were only two people in the room that had no plans to leave and one of them was me. I looked at the other girl and we shared a sad smile, knowing that we were the only two gonna be left and then I melted on the inside. The next thing I know, I'm covering my face as I feel my insides coming out as I sit there sobbing (loudly). My friend Derik wrapped his arms around me and I don't know how long I cried, but I think that was the first time I really let myself mourn the fact that so many important friends of mine were leaving. I had cried before and I had felt the pain before, but this was different. This shook the very core of my insides. That of course set off all the girls and soon we were all just a puddle of crying girls (And boys) as we prayed over each other. 

There were a few times that I cried like that again when we left Morocco. Most of them were by myself though. Alone on my bed, smothering my cries with my pillow. locked in the bathroom at 2am so that no one else would hear me, in an empty house laying on the floor because there was just no emotional strength to stand back up. The cries and the tears came from deep inside and I could feel the pain so strongly. It was actually physically painful in my chest. 

Well, it's been a while since I have had a session of gut-wrenching weeping. For one, I have had so much of my heart healed that the pain isn't as strong. And I find so much more comfort in Jesus. I've had tears and times of really feeling sad but nothing that touched the inside of my so deeply that the only way to let is out was to open up my emotions and cry with everything inside of me. Usually you can't plan these times either. They come because of something that someone says, does, implies... Something triggers your emotions and they just all come out. (unless you are emotionally constipated.) As you know from before, I've been emotional since school started this semester but I really haven't had anything bothering me that I felt like I just needed to cry it out. 

Someone once told me that I was very in tune with what my body was saying. Whether that is true or not, I totally missed this one. I went to service last night because I had an off night before I start babysitting for another family on Friday nights. During worship and ministry time, some friends and I began praying for each other. First it was just so that the Holy Spirit would increase, we prayed for healing for a couple of us and then the Spirit of Prophecy fell and we began to speak words of life and calling and destiny over each other. Lies were broken off, strongholds broken off, chains were broken off and we did this for an hour or so. God seemed to be highlighting one person at a time and so everyone would pray and prophesy over one person and then God would highlight the next one. I hadn't been highlighted yet and we were praying for someone else when my really good friend Kelly turned to me and said, "You are the daughter of God's joy. You are like His first born, His favorite one." from there she went on to say that it was so important that I keep interceding for the safety of the children at Village of Hope. I've never told anyone the burden in my heart for those kids and how I think about how many children in that area where they are get sexually abused and how I think about that they are now seen as orphans and not children with families to keep them safe. How protected will they be from being trafficked and sold into prostitution? The mountains where I used to live is known all the way on the Northern coast of the country for it's brothels. Those words that Kelly spoke over me, not even knowing how right on she was, made me cry. A few tears and a couple sniffles. But at the end she said, "I pray that you'll find a husband that will say to you, 'Hey, let's go on a trip and just go back and see those kids.' and that you would find a husband that would want to travel with you and take you places."

That's when the sobbing started. 

Now, I think about my husband a lot. A good portion of my day is spent praying and pondering about this man that is still a mystery to me yet already so connected to my life. I ask God about him often, just wanting to know more about this stranger whom I will marry. I am not anxious, but I am antsy. I fully trust the will of God concerning my love life (I mean, come on. He is the author of the greatest love story of all time.) but my "biological clock" is ticking. I'm excited to be a wife. I'm excited to have a family. I'm excited to fall in love with a broken and redeemed human. I want it to happen! What kind of person would I be if I didn't have the desire to be romanced? But I have my heart set on waiting for the moment that an upstanding young man talks to my father and says, "I don't want to live without your daughter." 

That being said, it surprised me how deeply the things that Kelly spoke over me went. I mean, yes, right now God has been speaking to me about a future mate but when Kelly began saying, "You're afraid this is going to happen and that your husband will be like that..." I felt something from the pit of my stomach cry out and say, "YES! I have been afraid! This is something that I was afraid of!" Sometimes lies go so deep that we don't even know they are there until someone calls them out and says, "This is a lie. This is truth. Walk in freedom." 

By the time Kelly was done, snot and tears were everywhere, my insides were trembling and I felt lighter. Sometimes when you weep so heavily, it takes time to get out of that feeling of sobriety. This time, though, I just stopped crying and was fine. Shaking, yes, but there was no turmoil in my soul. 

Sometimes I look back over my life and I wonder why God brings up certain things at certain times with certain people. For times like last night, I know it's another step closer to being a good wife that doesn't live in fear of her husband. It's another step in the right direction for a healthy marriage. How many more steps will there be? Who knows. But there will be more both before and after I get married. It's wonderful how God honors your choice to go through the journey when you fully surrender to Him. I know that learning hard lessons can be uncomfortable but I'd rather be uncomfortable than live in pride, unforgiveness, depression and lies. He uses things like people speaking truth over your heart to bring freedom to an area you didn't even know you had. He uses gut-wrenching sobs to take you into a place of deeper intimacy with Him. He uses weakness to glorify His name. It's so worth it.

Love,

Me

A day in the life of an IHOPU student [Class Cheers]

Dear blogging audience,

Last night I read the blog of a lady who had hundreds of followers and was amazed at how many updates she just did about life. I'm not going to fool myself into thinking that this blog will become a huge network of people with 300+ comments on each post but I figured giving you guys a peek into one of my busy days wouldn't hurt.

Thursday:
This morning I woke up happy. Not that this fact is all that uncommon but on a morning like this one, it could be classified as a miracle. In fact, last night when I wrote in my journal and grumped before going to bed,  I was anticipating having a crabby morning. I was ready to feel exhausted, unprepared for the day, discumbobulated [like here] and introverted but I really didn't. I woke up, I found clothes that matched, I grabbed the right books and got myself to where I needed to be at the right time. And I felt joyful. It was wonderful!
And today in class, we had a quiz which I "studied" for. (Defnition: read through the notes with a highlighter and high lighted the things that sounded cool.) and I only missed half a point. Not gonna lie, getting a good grade really boosts my happy level for the day. The rest of class wasn't a normal class. Instead of sitting and listening to our teacher talk, we were assigned study groups and a topic to discuss.  After discussing our topic for about half an hour, we all got back together and one or two people from each group went up and shared with the class what we found in our groups. The topic of my group was the Mercy of God. What a wonderful and deep subject. Mercy is communicable (an attribute of God that we can portray in our personal lives) but the more we talked about it the more transcendent it became. Mercy is an eternal attribute of God but how did He show mercy before creation? How will He show it after we've been redeemed? Those questions sparked something in my heart. I love that I will have all of eternity to study the mercy of God.

Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good!

    For His mercy endures forever.

Psalm 136:1

This afternoon was IHOPU chapel. Everyone goes. Freshmen through seniors, night watch and day watch, ministry students, music students, media students. Personally, I would put chapel in my top 5 favorite things about IHOPU. We all come together. We all love each other. I get to hug all the people I don't normally see and we hear from someone in leadership over IHOPU with a provoking and heart stirring message. But, the highlight (for everyone, no joke) are the class cheers. One of the top IHOPU faculty members always goes onto stage after worship and talks for a few minutes but before she leaves and lets the speaker come up, she asks, "Okay, you ready for the class cheers?" The order she picks us to do them is random, sometimes picking the freshmen first, sometimes the seniors, sometimes the cheer that she personally likes the best... Whichever way she does it, we all get excited. Now, the sophomores had the best class cheer the beginning of the last semester. [Yes, I am a sophomore.] The Juniors had created a call and response cheer and it was pretty good, but we took their idea and made a longer one. Last semester, the Freshmen tried to come up with a cheer that was good enough for our faculty member but she's picky and week after week would say, "Come on, Freshmen! Find something better!" (all out of love.) Sophomores got booted out of #1 spot earlier last semester by the interns that joined us during chapel. It was a sad day when they were given a standing ovation and the "Kings and Priests" were simply old news. Today we didn't have the interns and we had the director over all of IHOP-KC there as a guest speaker. Last week we didn't do cheers because the spirit fell the cheer lady was crying and getting ministry (don't worry, it was worth it.) so we were all stoked to do our cheers for the first time for the Spring semester today. Classes had literally been practicing and thinking about it all week because we were so excited. Announcements were finished and the speaker was about to start and a cry went up from the hundreds of students in the auditorium, "Class cheers! Class cheers!" The response was, "We don't want to take time from the speaker." "Oh, no. Go ahead." Our speaker smiled. "I want to see this."
The student body erupted into shouts of thanksgiving and we all sat in anticipation as our cheer director came onto stage and grabbed a mic. The order was decided and Freshmen were going to start. Now, the sophomores had walked into a Freshmen class cheer practice so I knew they had a boss class cheer. And, yes, I was jealous. I mean, so far we were still #1 in the IHOPU class cheer world because the internship wasn't technically part of school. Of course when the Freshmen do their little song and dance to start us off, the room explodes, they get a standing ovation and the cheer lady is ecstatic. FINALLY! They had come up with something that was worthy of being an IHOPU class cheer. I think every face was literally glowing, the freshmen were so happy. Then it was our turn. We did our cheer perfectly and sounded fierce but, honestly, after such an epic start, we didn't stand a chance. The upper class men got the, "Is that it?!" response so we ended big with the Freshmen again.

I remember when the Sophomores were asked to do their cheer twice. I remember when the sophomores were given a standing ovation. I remember when we were praised from the stage for having such an awesome class cheer. And as I sat through the speaker, I realized that that day was over. I knew that the "Kings and Priest" glory days were over. Sure, our cheer is awesome, but with all these new kids coming in, I know that the class cheers will simply get bigger and better until they get to be full length musicals. We'll look back and think about the current senior class and how their cheer is simply flapping their arms like "Angels in the Outfield." Last years graduating class sign was just the peace sign. And as I pondered this whole ritual called "Class Cheer" I realized that I was okay with not being known as the class with the best class cheer anymore. I'd rather be known as the class with the best attitude. I'd rather be known as the class that was the hungriest for the things of God. I'd rather be known as the class that went low to serve our classmates and faculty. Did I like having the best class cheer? Oh, absolutely! But thank God that going to IHOPU is so much more than just having the best cheer to wow everyone else at chapel once a week. It's about that reach in our hearts. I pick the deep things of God over a standing ovation.

Love,
Me
 

My Theme Songs

Dear Blog Audience,

Because I'm a musician I often think in terms of songs. The other day I wrote in my journal about how I want "I surrender all" to be my theme song right along with "Great is Thy faithfulness" and "Worth it all." The past few months I have just been in awe of God's faithfulness and how wise He is in leading me. Some of the things that I kicked against and complained about the most are now such blessings to me and have helped me grow the most. Like being single and going to IHOPU and leaving Morocco. I've had such rotten attitudes about each of those things from time to time. I told God that I would get married when I was 21. I told God I never wanted to go to college. I told God I wanted to spend the rest of my life in Morocco. I set my heart on these things and planned my life accordingly. You can imagine how upset I was when God gently took my plans and said, "No, Baylea. Not these plans."

Now I'm 23 and still single and I am so glad I've had this season of life single. Yes, I get anxious and haven't always held my heart in a way that I am proud of but God has been faithful to change my heart attitude. I am just so thankful that God has kept me hedged in and hidden away for me to get to this place of finding my joy and satisfaction in Jesus only. Sometimes I think back to where my heart used to be and my heart overflows with gratitude for the wisdom of God. He sees the whole picture and knows my seasons and my times. I really needed these past few months to get to a point where I wasn't looking to a boy or a relationship to fill me. I can't imagine what kind of marriage I would have gotten myself into if I had gotten married at the age of 21. Thank You Jesus for Your wisdom and Your faithfulness to finish the work that You start in me! As painful as it is to surrender sometimes, I know that is it so worth it. 

College was never on my radar. Not as a 10 year old. Not as a 15 year old. Not as an 18 year old or a 20 year old. I was content with my education and I didn't want to push my luck by going to college and failing. My dream was to be a wife and a mother, what kind of college could equip me for that? Sure, there were other things that I enjoyed doing such as music and writing and teaching but I didn't see any point in spending a bunch of money that I didn't have on an education that I didn't really want. So when I realized that God was leading me in the direction of IHOPU I wasn't very impressed. Until I fell in love. With my classmates, with my teachers, with God and what He was doing in the student body and with what God was doing with me through my classes. I look back on my year and half at IHOPU as one of the best seasons of my life. There has been blessing and pain, extreme growth and extreme loss but each day had mercy and grace from sunrise to sunset and I am who I am right because of everything God has done in my heart in the last 18 months. Jesus, You knew exactly what You were doing when You put me in this school. Thank You for this season of learning. It has been worth every single penny and every single hour I've put into it.

The hardest thing I've ever done was leave my home. One time that home was Wisconsin and I was leaving it for Morocco. I was an emotional wreck and it took a long time to love that place. The last time I had to leave home my home was Morocco and I was coming to Kansas City. Again, I was an emotional wreck but this time it wasn't just me crying and pouring my heart out to my journal, it was severe depression and suicidal thoughts. It was laying on the bathroom floor at 2am because I was crying so hard and I didn't want my sister to be woken up. It was trying to kill what I was feeling through anything I could find- movies, music, friends, computer, IM... Anything I could think of. Yet Jesus was so gentle. At the time it felt rough and I thought I was broken forever but I couldn't see that I was the one making it so difficult. I told God to fix my heart and then took my heart away from Him. I turned to other lovers and broken cisterns, begging them to fill me. When it didn't work I blamed God for not doing what He promised. I can't imagine how many times God held out His healing hands to me, calling me to come to Him and find rest for my weary soul and I never even heard Him because I was too busy wondering why He didn't heal my heart and drowning in an ocean of false gods. The months following my return to the states are filled with the faithfulness to God. He brought people into my life, He took things out of my life, He hemmed me in and wept with me. One time a friend was praying for me and she said, "I see you laying on your bed crying with your face to the wall and behind you is God and He's crying with you." and I knew that it wasn't just one time that God cried with me. It was every time. I didn't want to surrender Morocco. Ever. I wanted God to just fit His plans for me around the fact that I was never going to leave that country. But He didn't because He knew so much more than me. He knew I needed to go to school. He knew I needed to meet the people that are in my life now. He knew I needed to learn more about Him and more about myself. Finally I surrendered, knowing that God's faithfulness was great and it has been worth it all. 

I remember when I was 15 I realized that surrendering was a daily process. It wasn't just a one time done deal, it was a continual setting of my heart. Different things would come into my life and I'd need to give them back up to Jesus. For a while I thought that nothing else could faze me after giving up Morocco but I was wrong. There have been many times I struggled to give things back over to God but in the end, I always choose surrender because I already know that God's way is better. His faithfulness is everlasting. Nothing I can keep now will compare with what God will give me later at the end of time as a reward. One simple reason being that everything on this earth will fade away and only the Word of the Lord will remain. I want what remains, not momentary pleasures.

Jesus, I surrender all. Great is Thy faithfulness. It's worth it all. Amen.

Love,
Me

The Mom School

Hello blog audience,

Guys, I have the best job in the world. It prepares and equips me for my calling more than any other thing in the world. It fills me because I get to pour myself out. What am I? I'm a babysitter of course!

Tonight I got to do more than I normally do because I went over earlier than most weeks. I got to get the baby up from her nap, I got to cook them supper (it was frozen pizza, but still! I put that thing in the oven and cut it and fed those kids!), I bathed the littlest one, got them all to bed AND I cleaned the house (I love doing that and then leaving before the parents notice.). Granted, the kids were really good today, but I super enjoyed it.

I consider my babysitting jobs (there are three-four families that I babysit for regularly) the most important training school in my life at the moment. This strikes me as ironic because I get paid to babysit and in turn, use that money to pay to go to school. My highest calling, however, is not to play the piano and sing. One of my highest callings is to be the help-mate of the upstanding young gentleman that I have yet to meet and be the mother of the children God places in my life. [The highest calling of my life is to love God and love others.] I consider those two roles of wife and mother to be much more important than any job or school or degree or position in the whole world. And babysitting those precious children is my prep school.

When I babysit this particular family I always have the opportunity to learn more. The kids are wonderful and I love them all dearly but they are very full of life and probably smarter than I am on several levels so it takes a lot to keep up with them. The boys are not like my little brothers and the little girl is not like the other little girls I babysit. This gives me the opportunity to learn how to love differently. How to correct differently. How to see the world differently. Every child that is placed in my life gives me another chance to learn how to love differently. I love that about my job.

I know that when I become a mother, my children will not all come from my womb. They will come from many different countries and families and I'll need to know how to love each child the way that is best for them. I will need to know how to correct and discipline each child in a way that is best for them. I will need to know that the world doesn't always the same to each pair of eyes, but I'll need to get down on my knees so I can see the world the same way a child does. I have been praying for my kids for years and I know that some of them are probably already born. What is it going to look like to be the mother to the child another woman carried for 9 months? I don't know, but I know that these nights that I get to love the children I babysit for, God is working in my heart love for another child that will become mine.

And hopefully, when that day comes, and I have a bunch of kids and my husband and I want to take dance lessons (or even just go to wal-mart) we'll find a babysitter that can love our kids and who cleans our house just because she can. Sounds like an awesome girls to me ;)

Love,
Me