Good Father

Dear Blogging Audience,

So, the Fellowship has started. When I explain the name to people I always say, "It's like the Fellowship Of The Ring except there are no hobbits." Then they understand.
I could go on about all the amazing things that I have been doing and the teaching and the girls but I wanted to write about something that God is pounding into my heart at the moment. It's about His goodness. It's about his Father's heart for me. It's about the fact that He really does have good plans for me.

At the moment I need $2,500 dollars to pay off the Fellowship and buy my plane ticket for Thailand. I need this money by the end of September. I don't know where this money is going to come from.

Oh yeah, I'm still single. I really want that upstanding young man who is supposed to be my husband to be in my life right about now.

My mom got very sick a week or so ago. She's doing better but she's still not 100%

Money for my family has been extremely tight. This summer has been difficult for me as I watched us struggle through trying to buy groceries, pay bills and say no to things because the money just isn't there.

I look at all these things and I think, "I have all these needs, there is so much that I don't have." And the lie sneaks into my thought process, "God isn't good."

When I come down to it, the main problem isn't that I don't think God isn't BIG enough to give me the money I need or provide for my family or heal my mom or bring me a husband, it's that I don't think He's GOOD enough. Sure, God has all the money in the world and is sovereign over all of creation, but does He see my weary heart as I cry out for my husband or as I worry about my mom or finances? Does He care? Does He see my tears and then go and weep because I've moved His heart?

One of the most powerful stories in my life right now is John 11 about Jesus, Lazarus, Mary and Martha. Jesus knew about Lazarus' sickness BEFORE Lazarus died. Mary and Martha sent the message and sat and waited, knowing that Jesus was their only hope of keeping their brother from dying. One day passes. Lazarus gets worse. Two day. They're not sure if their brother is going to make it. Three days. And he dies...

Overwhelming sorrow, anger, brokenness, fear, hopelessness, and confusion fill the sisters. Why didn't Jesus come? Didn't he love them? Didn't he know? Wasn't he good?

Four days of wrestling with questions and emotions and finally, Jesus comes. Martha goes out to him and she receives a theology lesson. Mary goes out to him and he weeps. Jesus saw Mary's tears, Mary's doubts and fears, Mary's burden of sorrow. Her tears moved His heart.

Right now I feel like I'm Mary and Martha in the middle of the 4 days between the time when Lazarus died and Jesus comes and brings him back to life. I've sent my message to Jesus, I know what happens to me matters to him but... where is he? Why isn't he doing anything? Is he really good?

As I have wrestled through yet-to-be-answered prayers, I have found myself being brought back into the truth that, YES! MY GOD IS GOOD!
He is a God that sees the ache in my heart and gives me joy to be my strength. He is a God that picks me up and holds me close to His Father's heart. He is a God that wrote down amazing plans and dreams for me before I was even born that go above and beyond all that I could ask or imagine.

Out of His great love for me...
Yes. My God is good.

Love,
Me

Romans 12.

Dear Blogging Audience,

This morning I flipped my bible open to read John 14 and 15 because that is where I automatically turn to when I want to mediate on something. But instead my bible opened to Romans chapter 12. I stopped and decided that re-reading what used to be my favorite chapter in the bible could be a good idea. In light of the Justice Fellowship starting tomorrow, this was the perfect scripture to feed on.

As I read about offering myself as a living sacrifice because of God's mercy toward me, I realized how much more I need that mercy than I did when I first read it years ago. His mercy is so great. So needed. I've been so blind, so weak, so cold, and so proud. But God has mercy on me and leads me so faithfully and so gently. How can I do anything less than lay myself down as a living sacrifice for Him? This is true worship. I long to worship him truly. My heart's desire is to be a true worshiper and from this verse, I know what that looks like- complete surrender. Letting the renewing of my mind effect my thoughts and actions. Allowing the Holy Spirit to keep transforming me as I gaze on Jesus. Wasting my life on the Lover of my Soul.
My favorite verse from the passage is [still] verse 9.

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

In a society where so many people are loving what is evil and letting their innocence be stripped from them, this is not a popular view on life. How do you hate what is evil when it is in every form of entertainment and part of our daily lives? How do you cling to what is good? Do you stand on your soap box and try your hardest to stay above those that are below you? But how do you sincerely love someone if you're constantly trying to stay above them in an attempt to cling to good things?
I'm thinking about all the different people I'm going to be meeting in these next few months. There are going to be broken people, angry people, bitter and depressed people. There will be people who had their innocence taken from them and people who gave it away. I am still going to have to really love others, hate evil and cling to what is good. I am going to have to cling to Jesus. I am going to have keep my heart alive. I am going to have to keep my heart tender. My love must be sincere.
This is why it is so important to never be lacking in zeal and to never lose my passion for Jesus. It is so easy to love what is evil when my spirit is dull and it's impossible to really love someone when I am not  keeping my heart connected to The Vine. Loving others comes out of loving Jesus. I can't be joyful in hope, patient in affliction or faithful in prayer without zeal for serving God. The moment I let my heart become dull, I don't see the mercy God is pouring out on me. All I can think about is how uncomfortable it is to lay down my life as a living sacrifice. I don't see the reward in clinging to what is good when everyone tells me that I am being foolish. I can't love well, practice hospitality or share in someone else's joy or sorrow without my heart being alive.
The subject of humility is all over in this chapter. Not just surrendering to God but being a part of the body of Christ, serving them and preferring them above myself. Being devoted in love to my brothers and sisters requires humility and having a heart to go low. Blessing those who persecute me requires me to find my identity in God and God alone, laying down every single right and resting in the fact that I have a Righteous Judge. When I am confident in who God says I am and I have my heart set on going low, that's when I can truly rejoice with someone who is rejoicing. That is when I can truly mourn with someone who is mourning, no matter how I feel. I can associate with people that the world looks down on- the orphan, the widow, the foreigner, the homeless, the sick, the prostitute. I cannot remember God's great mercy toward me and think I am superior.

The last verse is something my mother told me almost every time I left the house to go hang out with friends. She said it to my older brother, she said it to my little sister and there will come a day when my little brothers will hear it too.

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

As I start my Fellowship, this is exactly what I will be doing; overcoming evil with good. I'm going to be loving those that have been rejected, I will be listening to the voiceless, I will be speaking truth over those that those who are bound by lies, I will be bringing awareness of those who are ignored.
This is impossible unless I remember God's mercy, I surrender my life to Him as a living sacrifice, I go low, I keep my heart alive and I cling to Jesus' goodness.

Love,
Me