Dear Blog Audience,
How you write
about an experience that seemed absolutely perfect and untouchable by
anything that might ruin it? How do you write about a time that
you had been dreaming about and imagining in your mind for years? How
do you write about a time that seemed to be completely removed from
real life? *sigh* I've been wanting to blog about my Fessies since I
got back from my trip but words haven't been coming. Just like the
morning we went to pick up Derik and Jana from the airport. I tried
to tweet something meaningful for 15 minutes. I ended up just giving
up on tweeting and writing the moments on my heart. Not even when I
was writing in my journal did I find a way to fully express what I
was feeling inside.
This trip was
about so much more than Faith getting married and my birthday and
Derik and Jana being in America. It was about seven kids that grew up
in a country far, far away, who fell in love with each other and then later had to restart life in a place that was hopelessly lonely and void of
real friends. Reunions for these friends were few and far between but
talked about often and prayed for even more. Many times we grew angry
at circumstances, money, and even the ocean, as they stood in the way
of a longed for hug or a friend that knew us better than anyone else. There were many layers to our grief. We would work
through one, make friends, make a few memories and then it would be
someone's birthday and we would remember all the things we were
missing. We'd work through a week of tears and angry rants of,
"WHY?!?!" and then calm down and be okay again. Then
someone would go through something painful and all we would want to
do was run to them, hold them and cry with them and we would spend
the next few days depressed and frantic, searching for any way to get
to our friend. Then the person would get better and we would get
better and then things would go back to "normal"...
As I stood in the
airport on the morning of July 11th, hugging my friend Jana for the
first time in over two years, a rush of emotions hit me and tears
came. I wasn't just hugging Jana- I was getting the hug I'd been
waiting for since Jana had left in October of 2009. That was the hug
I had cried for, prayed for, thought about and imagined a million
times.
The entire time I
was gone, I kept reminding myself that I was living an extremely rare
and precious gift. I knew our time would be special but that is an
understatement. As I tried to explain it to my other friends back
home, I found myself realizing just how extraordinary we really are.
Some of my deepest and best conversations were with a sixteen year
old. There was only one boy in our group but last I checked, that
didn't even faze us. We shared future dreams and past struggles and
current feelings and every single one of us felt loved and accepted
by each other. There was no awkward time of trying to remember what
our friendship felt like; it was still there, eager to jump back into
our lives and remind us of what we used to have.
I could go on and
on about the memories we made, and maybe one day I will. We laughed
and loved and cried and hugged and took pictures and ate food and
planned a wedding and rejoiced as we watched our beloved Faith marry
the man of her dreams. But words can't really cover what this trip
was for us. It was wonderful. It was beautiful. It was joyful. It was
bonding. It was exciting. It was healing.
Yes. Healing. I
remember the day I hugged each of those friends goodbye, not knowing
when I would see them again. Each friend had been hugged with tears
and a heavy heart and was followed by weeks of trying to adjust my
life to be okay without them. Then, suddenly, against all odds, we
found a way to be together again. My heart learned that not all
dreams are too good to come true. Or maybe they are, but this one
came true anyways. I learned I could hope again. I could be confident
in my friendships. I was reminded that their love for me hadn't
stopped, even if the emails did and that their arms were still my
favorite place to be after trying to find replacements. I learned
that I was okay. I had made it and come out stronger. And when we
hugged goodbye again, yes, I cried, but my heart wasn't as torn
because I knew that if we had made it together once, there is now
always going to be a possibility for it to happen again. All my
dreams of hugging my precious friends came true once. I know that it
will happen many more times throughout the years.
When my plane
touched back down into Kansas City, I was hit with culture shock.
Really? Yes, really. I was going from a culture of cuddle puddles and
hugs and singing songs and "remember whens" and resting in
the fact that my friends knew a very important part of me and loved
me deeply to a place where I live at home, my friends are all
precious to me, but they have yet to reach the depths of me that my
Fessies have. We do sing songs but cuddle puddles are rare. At least,
they are when I'm around. My "remember whens" are with my
family who don't always remember. I may not have left North America,
but I definitely experienced culture shock. I wasn't as prepared for
it as I thought I would be, even though I saw it coming the day I
bought my plane tickets. I knew I would be in heaven for the short
amount of time we were all together and then it was going to suck. It
was going to be painful and frustrating. I knew I would have a hard
time remembering how to live without my best friends again.
Thankfully, I have
a God who is big and very, very, VERY gentle with my heart. His
kindness toward me has made me great. My heart is safe under His
leadership. I trust Him. This trip wasn't just a big deal to me, it
was a big deal to Him. I know that as we loved each other and
listened to each other and carried each other's burdens, He was
smiling and rejoicing over us. We blessed His heart simply by laying
down our lives for each other. God gave us this trip because He knew
just how much we wanted it and because He loves to give us good
gifts. Friendships are important to God because He made relationship
and He has called us to love those in our lives. We love because He
gave us love. We are friends because He showed us how to be the best
kind of friend. What a beautiful and humble God. He's so worthy.
Love,
Me
