The Shirt I Wear Inside Out

Hello long-lost Blogging audience,

Tonight I can't sleep and I started writing this blog in my head so I decided to come back from the blogging world dead and write it out for people to actually read.

A few summers ago, I got a hand-me down shirt from a dear friend. I liked that it was black, I needed a black t-shirt. It was super comfy. It fit me well which is always a win so I decided to keep it. The only thing was that it proudly read across the front, "Everything boys do, girls can do better." At least, I think that's what it says. I don't agree with that on a couple different levels, the first one being that it's prideful to boast and I don't need any help being proud. My mom fixed my problem by suggesting I keep the shirt but wear it inside out. I can't remember exactly what the shirt says it has been so long since I saw it right side out.
Why am I writing about this tonight?
Tonight was the world premier of the Disney Channel Original movie, "The Teen Beach Movie." One of the lines that was said several times through out the movie by the main girl was, "Girls can do anything boys can." Now, in her case she was talking about surfing in the 1960's, but every time they said it I cringed because that's a message that has been shouted at girls since before I was born and it's a lie.
Before you think I don't believe woman can do anything except stay in the kitchen and have babies and  that they shouldn't work outside the home or be pastors or leaders in any way, please know that that's not true. Believe me, I grew up with someone close to me believing that and it hindered me a lot until I realized he was wrong. Yes, women can have jobs and work along side men but not simply because they want to be better than men. If God wanted us all to be like men, or better than men, He would have made us all men. There would be no women. He had the chance to keep the entire population of the world made up of males who were made in His image. But something was missing, so He made women after His own image. Together, we create something good. Men and women.
I understand that we get hurt by men. We get shoved down, talked down, put down and looked down on and that's not right. But we need men in this world. Not to be better than them, but to work along side of them. And the best thing is, men are great at certain things and women are great at others. It takes a very special kind of man to handle a screaming baby. But hand him to a woman, there's a natural instinct to mother and nurture the little one. Then there comes a day when that baby is older and the voice of a father speaking life, destiny, direction and encouragement will make all the difference in whether that boy finishes high school or that little girl keeps her virginity.

We need fathers. We need husbands. We need sons. And we need to know that together we made something that was "not good" into something that was good. That good thing happens when men are confident in who they are as men made in the image of God and women are confident of who they are as women made in the image of God.
Part of being a woman who is confident is knowing her worth. She knows she's worth more than being with a guy who constantly disrespects her or only uses her as an object. She knows she can accept the honor and attention of a man graciously and respond in purity. She knows she can work hard and work long and lay herself down for the good of others without losing who she is or giving up the dreams God has put into her heart. She carries the fragile yet strong feminine heart and blesses the men in her life for carrying inside of them the brave yet tender masculine heart, both made in the image of God.

And that's why I wear my shirt inside out.
Love,
Me

All is for Your Glory.

Hello Patient Blogging Audience,

I can't tell you how many blog entries I had started in my head, and I actually had one started about a week ago but they just never made it to the publish button. I wanted to write about hearing someone say, "God loves weddings. He really does." and how that shifted a wrong view I had of God. I wanted to write about my incredible Wisconsin team and how bonded we became. I wanted to write about my first set in the Global Prayer Room (GPR) and how God set my heart to sing to an audience of One. I wanted to write about how my little brother is flying by himself to another state for 6 weeks and how much I'm going to miss him. But I couldn't because I have found myself in the midst of an incredibly busy school semester. After spring break, we changed theology classes and we have one of the best classes in the school. This class just so happens to involve daily and weekly homework that makes a fairly tight schedule get to that point of bringing me to tears. I love the content of the class. I love the teacher. I love the check lists. I just have realized that my homework is increasing dramatically this quarter. Because of this, my blog will probably not be tended to as faithfully. But when I get to the end of this semester, I will feel like I've actually completed something worth bragging about. Not that I want to brag about it. Anyways. Moving on...

On Sunday I went to a bible study that I usually attend. It's not really a bible study but I call it that for the sake of simplicity. It's a group of women that meet bi-weekly and hear someone speak. Anyways, this last Sunday we had a lady who took the time to prophesy over every lady in the room. I was almost the last person in the line and I was curious to see what she would say because she had been saying something different over each person. The other ladies had received good words about things in their past that added to their present, little nuggets of who God made them to be, truth about callings, ect. When she got to me she asked me my name. I told her and right away she said,

"Baylea, you are the most noble among women." 

Didn't really see that one coming. She talked about how nobility have this way about them that other people didn't get. Of all the words people have spoken over me, I do not remember a word that hit my heart like that one. I always feel a bit awkward in that group because it's a group of about 40 beautiful young women who dress in adorable outfits and have such huge hearts for Jesus. I look and feel so small next to them. Even this last Sunday, I was not dressed in my finest. I was sitting with my feet on the chair and my knees pulled up to my chin like a little kid. And then bam! Most noble among women.

I don't even know what that exactly means but all of a sudden, I took myself seriously. I saw myself as important. I saw myself on the inside, not on the outside. My Father is the King of Glory. I have royalty in my blood. There is a confidence in my heart that wasn't there before. My Jesus hears me. He is for me. I can live knowing that I have an unshakable hope and love vast as an ocean. Jesus Christ.

That being said, my heart has been longing for a new development in my waiting for my husband. It's been a struggle looking at the coming weeks and thinking, "I have no idea when this young man will find me." and setting my heart to wait. But not just wait. I want to finish my single years well. With joy. With peace. With hope. With confidence. With excellence. Just as I am applying myself to finish my time in school to the best of my ability, I want to end my life as a single person bringing glory to Jesus' name. Daily I remind my soul to find joy in the Lord. Daily I speak the words, "Jesus, only You satisfy." and they are a comfort. Today Jesus used a freshman to encourage me to wait for my husband. It wasn't anything complicated. It didn't need to be! Honestly, just hearing the same words that people have been telling me for years is enough. Wait, Baylea. Just wait. He's coming. He's going to love you. Never underestimate the power of a well timed simple truth. 


I will close this blog with the disclaimer that I do not know when I'll have time to write again. However, if you read this anytime between now and May 18th, please feel free to pray for me. A well timed simple prayer is powerful as well.

Love,
Me

Current obsession and other thoughts on Spring Break

Dear Blog Audience,

I'm afraid I've run out of interesting things to write. At least, that's how it feels sometimes. I really shouldn't be writing this now because it is late but I wanted to write something during spring break and I leave tomorrow for La Crosse, WI. If you're there or even close to there, you should join my team and I at our youth conference. It'll be fun.

My current obsession has been working on my best friend's present. It's a present for... well a lot of things. I haven't seen her for two years now. That's a new record for us and I hate it. She's turning 22 in June. She's getting married in July. She lives far from me. And I really really love her. I don't want to say what it is on here because she reads this but it will definitely trump every other gift I've given outside of hugs and my time.

On Sunday it will be two years since leaving Morocco. I've been going over in my head my last week I spent in Fes as I get closer to the day. Part of Faith's present had me researching my old journals and pictures and I have had some really good times of remembering home. If you followed my twitter last year, you'll know I'm doing five million times better than I was then. Last spring break I spent the week on my bed moaning and mourning. There have been tears this year but they have been healing tears. I don't mind still crying for my home. My love for that place runs deep... You can take a Fessie out of Fes but you'll never take Fes out of a Fessie. 

Tonight I didn't even want to blog because I messed up. Big time. Like, I came home and cried for two hours as I listened to "How He loves us" and felt God loving me and recounted over and over again my big mess up. It's in my moments of seeing my ugly pride, my brokenness and my inability to do anything good on my own that focusing on how God loves me more than what I did/can do that really bring healing to my heart. That's where the truth is nailed down and unshakable. Because if I believe that never once during my "moment" did God stop loving me, than during my tender worship and the times when loving others comes easy, it's not going to be about me. It's going to be about God and His steady love for me through it all. Whether I have an amazing night or a horrible night, I can 100% trust that love for me. This is my anchor.

I feel sorry for people who don't have big brothers like me. Like my friend Shawn. Years ago when I was little and broken and confused, that boy made me feel safe, loved and important. Everything in my world was shaking except for him. And even then, he probably was shaking but he didn't let his shaking keep me from feeling steady around him. I don't think I can count one time where I was in trouble and I didn't wish he was there because I have yet to find anyone else who can make me feel as protected and valuable as he does. Tonight as I was bawling my eyes out, he texted me back and slowly but surely calmed me down and put a smile back on my face. This is my big brother. He's amazing.

Pray for me while I'm gone. I come back Sunday.
Love,
Me

Top 20 list!

I like making lists and to celebrate my 20th blog I'm going to make a list of 

20 things I love about my life right now; single, in school, living at home... ;]

20) My alone time. All of it.
19) I can talk to myself out loud without looking ridiculous.
18) When my 5 yr old brother sneaks into my bed in the middle of the night.
17) That I get to have buddy time with my 14 yr old brother.
16) Hours on the piano
15) Honestly, living at home.
14) Being one of the parking dudes
13) My dad taking care of me.
12) Being an aunty to 5 fabulous boys.
11) Tea dates with my friends.
10) Sitting before the Lord and holding nothing back.
9) Driving at night by myself and telling God how I'm feeling.
8) Taking my brothers with me to my classes.
7) Same 4 songs all night every night.
6) My David brothers. Seriously.
5) Texting my sistie about things only she knows about.
4) The 4 amazing families I babysit for.
3) My hair is getting longer :)
2) Long talks with my mom about what God is doing.
1) Having that wonderful peace on the inside from Jesus, trusting in His heart for me even when things don't look like they're going to work out. 


Love,
Me

And then there was today...

Hi Blog Audience,

Today it is snowing. I like snow. I was born in Minnesota and had a few winters in Northern Wisconsin before I moved to the mountains where our winters always involved getting snowed into our house at some point. so I know what it's like to look out the window from October til March (give or take a month or so) and see white everywhere. After a few months, it gets old. This year has been very mild and it reminds me of my more recent winters where snow was very uncommon. For us we had rain and mud and sometimes a brief amount of time where we had sleet mixed in but my last winter there (2010) I slept with the window in my bedroom open until the middle of December. Not because it was hot, but because the fresh air was wonderful and I could.
What I do NOT like about snow is driving in it. It's scary. Even though I'm a cautious driver, some people are stupid and sometimes really cautious people are caught up in accidents because stupid people don't think and their lack of thought injures all the people around them. I'm not mad at them, I'm just scared of them. I was really hoping to have a snow day because... well, mostly because my body is really stressed out so the pain is reaching a point where I get distracted by it. ("The pain" meaning the Arthritis pain.) I'm used to pain. The normal amount of pain. The email declaring my freedom for the day did not come however so here I am, on the 4th Monday of the school year.
When I started this semester, I had just finished one of the best semesters of my life along with an awesome Christmas break. My spirit was soaring, I was totally optimistic that this semester would look like last semester because my heart was in the same place of pressing deeper into God and giving up the things of this world. Little by little, I'm realizing how different this season will be for me. Last season was fruitful. This new year is starting with a pruning session. I've had a lot of pruning since coming back to America and I didn't understand a lot of it but at least now I know that the pruning means that the last season was fruitful and now the areas in my life that had growth are being cut back and taken care of so that in the coming year, they can grow even bigger and bear even more fruit. (Analogy coming from John 15).
For me the pruning looks like not liking one of my classes, having a lot of pain, realizing for the millionth time that I'm still single and living at home at the age of 23 1/2, feeling how poor I am in spirit and having my buttons pushed by my brothers (remember my other blog post?). I know that I need this pressing and shaking and refining, I don't want to fight it. I also don't want to be scared by it. There is no need for me to be upset by all this because I know that it's my Heavenly Father helping me grow even more and He is gentle with my frail heart and broken frame. I want this just as much as my flesh hates this. This is my journey. I have my heart set on doing and finishing this semester well and ending my single years well (whenever that will be) and in all things rejoicing. Even with a swollen knee, limping down the hall way to a class that I don't enjoy before going back home to a house that belongs to my parents, not to a house of my own with my husband. I will rejoice. I will. Because the joy of the LORD is my strength and by golly, I need a lot of strength right now.
The wonderful thing is that even in the midst of the pruning and the refining, I have joy. I have peace. I have confidence in the love of my Father. Sometimes I have to fight for it. Sometimes I just have to sit and receive it. The Word is hitting deeper than it used to. I don't ever say, "Well hey, this looks like a good time to be pruned.", I do say, "God, whatever You're doing, I surrender into Your hands because I trust Your goodness and Your gentleness." Like David I will say,

You have also given me the shield of Your salvation;
Your right hand has held me up,
Your gentleness has made me great. [Psalm 18:35]

Today my journey is marked by snow and pain and joy. Hopefully tomorrow will be a little less white.
Love,
Me

This is me... crabby, confessing and comforted.

Dear Blogging Audience,

I'm an empty well right now. The emotions and thoughts I do have aren't exciting and my flourishing vocabulary is taking a vacation. And my 14 year old brother is being really annoying right now. With my school schedule as it is, the introvert in me is screaming. Right now even. Screaming loudly.
I suppose this is a good thing. I have to kill my flesh somehow. And yet, instead of embracing this chance to be loving and kind even though I don't feel like it, I am glaring at my brother. "I'm so wound up right now and I don't know why!" he says. I think my tongue is bleeding from biting it so hard. No, I did not make any snarky comments but about 5,000,000 tumbled into my mouth, ready for me to vomit out as soon as I gave it the green light. I suppose it is a small victory that I choked them all back.

*Sigh* I've turned on Phil Wickham and am feeling peace slowly seep into my discontented soul. Why so cranky? I suppose lack of sleep, lack of love for my major in school this semester and lack of alone time added together has created this beautiful new rendition of me. Glorious. Oops, that was sarcastic.

Please, don't think that the last few days have been exactly like this. I'm not completely wretched and miserable. There have been times where someone says exactly what my heart needed to hear and my heart leaps up and says, "Yes! Yes, I remember why I'm doing this now!" or I read the word and I feel the words soaking into my dry spirit. Something I've grabbed onto with both hands this week is the truth that yesterdays manna is not enough. Oh man, sometimes it's not not even enough to get through one day and I come back desperate for The One who satisfies me. I lay my heart bare, so weak and broken, so calloused and raw, so cold and hard, and I cry out from my very core. If there is one thing I have learned in this semester it is that my need to be satisfied goes deep and wide and long and high and in the very center is my cold heart and my small expectation to actually have that need met. One of the most beautiful verses to me at the moment is about God doing above all I can ask and imagine [Eph. 3:20-21]. I want to believe this verse. I want this verse to comfort me on sad days and encourage me on good days and amaze me every day. I don't believe it. Not yet I don't. So I just keep reading it and closing my eyes and trying to understand it. But I can't, praise God. I don't want to understand as much as I want to just believe. Just like I'm slowly beginning to believe that God's love is deeper and wider and longer and higher than my ache and my longing. My empty little life doesn't have a chance against this hurricane force. My mind is so shadowed and my thoughts are so dim. I used to think my imagination was something to boast about but if I can't even imagine a God that shoots His love into me to deep that I'm satisfied by this fountain of living water. No, I can't imagine. But I can know. I do know. Barely. One day fully.

Like I said, I'm an empty well. I'm no longer quite as cranky but then again, my 14 year old brother is finally doing his chores and is no longer saying everything that pops into his adolescent brain. I think the must frustrating thing was that his proud and selfish and sarcastic comments made me feel like I was looking in a mirror and it was painful. My weakness being paraded for all to see. I knew it too. Geesh, how could I not? Holy Spirit is very good at telling me what is in my heart because that's what real friends do. I can't even be mad. Even someone like me who pretends a lot of things can't ignore this mortal flesh that encases my dry bones and weary soul.

Love,
Me

What "I love you" sounds like

Dear Blog Audience,

My youngest brother has Down Syndrome but he is absolutely precious. Even now as I'm writing this, he is sitting with me on my bed. I love these times because it is him in his adorable footie pajamas finding all the little things in my room that a baby shouldn't play with and me becoming a puddle of mush as I watch him be cute. Usually when we're hanging I don't get on the computer because I love to cuddle with him and "talk" with him. I don't always know what he is going to understand and we have about 20+ signs that we all use as a family when we are talking to him. Often times he surprises me with how much he understands. Like when we're praying for our meals he always reaches his hands out to be part of our circle around the table. When we say, "bous" [Arabic for kiss] he puckers up and puts his mouth up to kiss us and when anyone says "Yay!" he automatically claps and his face lights up. He's such a wonderful child.

Tonight though, I was surprised and melted both when he understood without the sign language when I said, "I love you."

He was snuggled up against me with a grumpy look on his face because I had just told him he couldn't press on the laptop keys [my own fault, I know.]. But I leaned over and said, "I love you." and his entire face lit up and he smiled. All I did was say the words, there were no gestures or anything. I said it again and this time he held up his hand with his pointer finger up (his interpretation of the "I love you" sign in ASL.). He kept holding up his little finger at me without me saying anything. He knows what "I love you" sounds like and looks like. And I know he knows what "I love you" feels like because he gives and receives love, just like all of my other brothers. 

I guess because so many people are choosing to abort their babies when doctors say that the child has Down Syndrom, I have the amazing privilege of loving and stewarding a dying race. What if my brother had been given to another family and that family heard that he had Down Syndrome while he was still in the womb and they decided they didn't want that child. Then no one would have gotten to say "I love you" and see his face light up. I really do have a treasure. 

Love,

Me