Perfect.

Dear Blog Audience,

How you write about an experience that seemed absolutely perfect and untouchable by anything that might ruin it? How do you write about a time that you had been dreaming about and imagining in your mind for years? How do you write about a time that seemed to be completely removed from real life? *sigh* I've been wanting to blog about my Fessies since I got back from my trip but words haven't been coming. Just like the morning we went to pick up Derik and Jana from the airport. I tried to tweet something meaningful for 15 minutes. I ended up just giving up on tweeting and writing the moments on my heart. Not even when I was writing in my journal did I find a way to fully express what I was feeling inside. 

This trip was about so much more than Faith getting married and my birthday and Derik and Jana being in America. It was about seven kids that grew up in a country far, far away, who fell in love with each other and then later had to restart life in a place that was hopelessly lonely and void of real friends. Reunions for these friends were few and far between but talked about often and prayed for even more. Many times we grew angry at circumstances, money, and even the ocean, as they stood in the way of a longed for hug or a friend that knew us better than anyone else. There were many layers to our grief. We would work through one, make friends, make a few memories and then it would be someone's birthday and we would remember all the things we were missing. We'd work through a week of tears and angry rants of, "WHY?!?!" and then calm down and be okay again. Then someone would go through something painful and all we would want to do was run to them, hold them and cry with them and we would spend the next few days depressed and frantic, searching for any way to get to our friend. Then the person would get better and we would get better and then things would go back to "normal"...

As I stood in the airport on the morning of July 11th, hugging my friend Jana for the first time in over two years, a rush of emotions hit me and tears came. I wasn't just hugging Jana- I was getting the hug I'd been waiting for since Jana had left in October of 2009. That was the hug I had cried for, prayed for, thought about and imagined a million times. 

The entire time I was gone, I kept reminding myself that I was living an extremely rare and precious gift. I knew our time would be special but that is an understatement. As I tried to explain it to my other friends back home, I found myself realizing just how extraordinary we really are. Some of my deepest and best conversations were with a sixteen year old. There was only one boy in our group but last I checked, that didn't even faze us. We shared future dreams and past struggles and current feelings and every single one of us felt loved and accepted by each other. There was no awkward time of trying to remember what our friendship felt like; it was still there, eager to jump back into our lives and remind us of what we used to have. 

I could go on and on about the memories we made, and maybe one day I will. We laughed and loved and cried and hugged and took pictures and ate food and planned a wedding and rejoiced as we watched our beloved Faith marry the man of her dreams. But words can't really cover what this trip was for us. It was wonderful. It was beautiful. It was joyful. It was bonding. It was exciting. It was healing.

Yes. Healing. I remember the day I hugged each of those friends goodbye, not knowing when I would see them again. Each friend had been hugged with tears and a heavy heart and was followed by weeks of trying to adjust my life to be okay without them. Then, suddenly, against all odds, we found a way to be together again. My heart learned that not all dreams are too good to come true. Or maybe they are, but this one came true anyways. I learned I could hope again. I could be confident in my friendships. I was reminded that their love for me hadn't stopped, even if the emails did and that their arms were still my favorite place to be after trying to find replacements. I learned that I was okay. I had made it and come out stronger. And when we hugged goodbye again, yes, I cried, but my heart wasn't as torn because I knew that if we had made it together once, there is now always going to be a possibility for it to happen again. All my dreams of hugging my precious friends came true once. I know that it will happen many more times throughout the years. 

When my plane touched back down into Kansas City, I was hit with culture shock. Really? Yes, really. I was going from a culture of cuddle puddles and hugs and singing songs and "remember whens" and resting in the fact that my friends knew a very important part of me and loved me deeply to a place where I live at home, my friends are all precious to me, but they have yet to reach the depths of me that my Fessies have. We do sing songs but cuddle puddles are rare. At least, they are when I'm around. My "remember whens" are with my family who don't always remember. I may not have left North America, but I definitely experienced culture shock. I wasn't as prepared for it as I thought I would be, even though I saw it coming the day I bought my plane tickets. I knew I would be in heaven for the short amount of time we were all together and then it was going to suck. It was going to be painful and frustrating. I knew I would have a hard time remembering how to live without my best friends again. 

Thankfully, I have a God who is big and very, very, VERY gentle with my heart. His kindness toward me has made me great. My heart is safe under His leadership. I trust Him. This trip wasn't just a big deal to me, it was a big deal to Him. I know that as we loved each other and listened to each other and carried each other's burdens, He was smiling and rejoicing over us. We blessed His heart simply by laying down our lives for each other. God gave us this trip because He knew just how much we wanted it and because He loves to give us good gifts. Friendships are important to God because He made relationship and He has called us to love those in our lives. We love because He gave us love. We are friends because He showed us how to be the best kind of friend. What a beautiful and humble God. He's so worthy. 

Love,

Me

My Best Friend's Wedding

Dear Blogging Audience,

Have you ever watched your best friend get married to the love of their life? The couple is practically glowing and that look of adoration in their eyes is unmistakable. The emotions that come up as they say their vows and the mothers of the bride and groom tear up as they realize that their little ones are not so little anymore and are ready to commit the rest of their lives to going on a journey of love.

I got to be in my best friend's wedding this past weekend and I never knew the amount of joy and happiness my heart could feel as I watched Faith and Colin get married. My face literally began aching from smiling so much while watching the ceremony. Tears ran down my face as Colin vowed to love and honor and cherish the person I love and cherish and more tears ran down my face as Faith read her rhyming vows to the only boy who had fully conquered her heart. After the kiss and the bridal party left, I felt as if I was glowing as much as the bride was, I was so overcome with joy. We had a massive group hug in the kitchen and kept saying over and over how it was finally done.

When I was first asked to be a part of Faith's wedding, I was ecstatic! I've always loved weddings and this was going to be the 1st time I was going to be in a friend's wedding with real Bride's maidal duties. [Bride's Maidal: the word we use to describe anything the Maid of Honor and I had to do for the wedding.] I was going to have a dress and we were going to get our hair done at a salon and we were going to have pictures taken and there would be groomsmen and keeping track of Faith's things and making sure she ate and had anything she could need. I got to be in the room as the dress was pulled over her head and she was laced up in the back. I got to kneel down and fix her bustle and then look up at her, my best friend, and feel that surge of bittersweet emotions. There she was, ready to leave a part of herself behind in order to find a whole new type of love and joy.
Because they only had two friends stand up with them, I was part of the first couple that walked down the aisle to start the ceremony. I was so honored to have that opportunity to walk in, smile at the many faces I didn't really know and towards the front where I would stand, holding my flowers, and representing a million different memories from Faith's life. I knew that my friendship with Faith was going to be completely different. There are going to be many years more of memories and pictures and dances and laughs, but it's never going to be just Faith and Baylea again ever because Faith is also part of Colin. As the ceremony progressed I remembered the times Faith had held me when I cried or made me laugh til my stomach hurt or gave me a special best friend look that no one else would see. Those things will still happen but it will be different. Even so, I knew my best friend was happy and watching her become Colin's wife was one of the most amazing gifts she could have ever given me as a friend. 


There were so many little things about the day that I got to experience that no one else did and I don't want to take those things for granted. Like the dance party in the car on the way to get our hair done, watching her and Colin see each other for the first time on the wedding day, hugging her in the pictures of just the two of us, sitting in the room waiting for the ceremony to start and letting them win points in Baylea Blushing [I really didn't have a choice], our group hug after the ceremony, standing by the table while they cut the cake, singing them the song I wrote for them and Colin blowing me a kiss when I was done, watching their first dance and not being able to stop smiling.  It was such a beautiful wedding and I was thrilled to have been a part of it in so many ways. 


When we got home I didn't want to get out of my dress or take off Zach's vest or put down my flowers or wash my make-up off because I didn't want the night to be over. As the Fessies all sat in a pile on the couch we talked about how wonderful the wedding was, how beautiful I had been, how happy we were for Faith and Colin and how excited we were for the next wedding. [Which will be mine. ;)] I didn't know how amazing it would be to watch my best friend get married but now I do and it's a feeling I never want to forget.

Faith and Colin,
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for allowing me to love and support you guys in such a special way on your wedding day. Can't wait til I get to head back up to Canada!
Love,
Me

Open Doors

Dear Blog Audience,

I don't know how many of you actually read this because the commenting system on blogger is a lot more complicated than on facebook so taking the time to comment is not usually done. I know. I don't usually comment on anyone's blog except for Faith Kelley's because... well, because she's my best friend. None of this really has anything to do with my main topic for the night though. If I were an awesome writing, I'd find some sort of connecter but I... Haha, I just reread what I wrote and I wrote, "If I were an awesome WRITING..." Okay, moving on!

My life has seemed pretty much the same as it has for the past year or so. I do school, family, Jesus, prayer room, babysitting, friends and being single really well because that is the rhythm I've created. It's been awesome and I've enjoyed the routine of living at home, keeping busy with school, loving on the kids I babysit for and having time to just sit and worship Jesus in and out of the prayer room, with and without friends. Because really, when you love Jesus and your friend loves Jesus and you spend time together and you leave feeling edified and loved, that is an act of worship as well.
I like routine. I like sameness and normalcy and familiarity. Maybe it's because I spent so many years on a never ending change of houses, places, countries, friends, neighbors, family, travel, school and lifestyles that I clung to any semblance of routine so tightly. Now that I'm here, settled in one city for two years this month and in the same house for two years in June doing the same school for two years in May and still being single for four years in June, I'm finding that I'm itching for something to change. I want to get on an air plane again. I want to pack my life into a couple suitcases again. I want to be smacked in the face with culture shock again. I want to have a different view from my bed room window. I want to have different foods in my kitchen. Not constantly changing, mind you. Just for now. I'm hitting the "it's been two years so we're obviously going to move again." mark and knowing that this is the first time in 14 years that we will be passing the two year mark in the same house is making me jittery. Maybe change was my normal and that's why I want it so badly right now... 
All that to say, I think some change is finally coming. I have felt it all year that this year is going to be a new season for me. I don't know exactly what it will look like but things are beginning to come to light finally. For a while I thought maybe it was just me wanting to be in a new season because nothing seemed to change. I was still in school. I was still a babysitter. I was still living at home. I still loved Jesus and I was still single. And it didn't look like that was ever going to change. It would continue to be like that for as far as I could see.

The shift began on Friday night when the family I have babysat for the longest said, "You want to move to Colorado?" I didn't realize what they meant was, "We're moving to Colorado, you should move there too so you can continue to babysit for our children." And not just them but two other families that I babysit for weekly. That is three out of four. Not only did it make me sad, (because I love those families dearly and adore their children.) but it kind of freaked me out. That's the majority of my income right there, moving to Colorado. That means a new job or something else that doesn't require me having a job. I don't know. But it definitely means a new season.
Then today I sang with Pablo Perez. For those of you who do not know Pablo, he is the head of FMA (Forerunner Music Academy) and is from Argentina. On Friday I was asked to sing with him which shocked me because he's only heard me sing once and I didn't think it was that great but he apparently liked it. Naturally, I said yes. I mean, come on, the head guy over my whole school just asked me to sing with him for a conference! I'm not stupid and I wasn't busy so there you have it. I said yes. Anyways, I felt like me singing with him was going to open up a door somewhere that would lead me into my next season. I didn't know what that would look like. The conference I was going to sing at was  Korean one so I was imagining all sorts of things that could happen... I showed up to sing with him today, he said, "Baylea, I'm starting a team for the Prayer Room and I want you to be one of the singers. Pray about it." And the light bulb clicked on. That was my door. Really? That easy? And that amazing???
So there you have it. Things are finally changing and I hope that this satisfies my urge for change because I don't think I'm going to be moving houses or cities any time soon. What this means for school and boyfriend and loving Jesus... well, I'll still love Jesus but the jury is out for the other two. If you'd like to take some of your precious time and comment, I'd love to hear your thoughts on my changing times. But other than that, I believe I have written all I needed to for the night.

Love,
Me

Valentine's day prayer

Dear Blog Audience,

After my lovely example of raw Baylea emotions, I'm sure you're ready for something that actually edifies you. I guess the main subject these days is Valentine's day. I could write about that but I really don't have much experience with how to have a great Valentine's day. I'm usually pretty happy on Valentine's day. I always think about my husband [the one that I'm not married to yet] and I always pray,

"God, let this be the last Valentine's day that I am single." 

Looks like I'll be praying that prayer again this too. Honestly though, I'm not that upset about it. How can I be? If I don't have that person, it's obviously not time yet and God's timing is WAY more important than having a date on Valentine's day. Even if I have to pray that prayer for 50 years in a a row [Oh Lord, have mercy], I will always pray, "God, YOUR timing." and mean it. I've seen relationships start in the wrong timing. It sucks! I don't want that! I want a relationship, a man that will eventually be my best friend, but I don't want that premature relationship that cripples you because things seem so right and so wrong at the same time. Everybody gets hurt, nobody knows how to really fix the problem, your parents say one thing, the other person says another and you want to do what both parties are telling you to do but you can't because they are exact opposite. Sometimes you stay with the person and feel like you can never really be yourself or you break it off and you feel like you can never really be yourself. I. Do. Not. Want. That.
HOWEVER! One day, I'll have that best man in the world that gives me an amazing Valentine's day and I can write him a love letter and dress cute and hold his hand and glow with happiness. I want that. And then we'll have some kids and Valentine's day will probably look like us in our sweat pants eating frozen burritos on the couch while the kids watch Veggie Tales. I want that too. Because my husband will be with me and I'll know that he loves me in so many other ways that getting dressed up for a date. There will be love letters and cute clothes but there will also be a deeper knowledge of love and each other. Maybe his main love language won't be quality time, maybe his highest love language is acts of service and the way I can most bless him is by doing something for him. He'll know that I'm not a big chocolate lover [I go through moods] and realize that a box of cookies is my love language. Our marriage won't stay at the level it will be on the day we get married, just like our bodies won't stay in the same shape. I hope that 20 years from now my husband and I can look at our wedding pictures and think, "Wow, we were so good looking back then but we didn't know a thing about love." and be glad that we know more about love even if our bodies don't look quite so young.
I suppose I should stop writing about my husband so people don't get confused. Or maybe I'll just explain. One day, I will be married. This man is a real person and one day I will stand before him and vow to be his wife. With this mind set, I have decided to set my heart on this nameless young man and not pretend like he doesn't exist. That's why I often refer to the man without a name as my husband already to remind myself that my wait is not in vain. It's for a real person.
That all being said, I don't have any big plans for Valentine's day this year. I'm sure my heart will play tug of war between being satisfied in Christ and that persistent feeling that has plagued me for years of wanting to know this beautiful thing people call being in a relationship. And I will pray that it is my last Valentine's day that I ever spend as a single girl. Not because I'm miserable, but because I know that there's a handsome young man that fits the description in my heart of the man of my dreams out there. Maybe he's praying that this is the last Valentine's day he's single too...

Love,
Me

"The Next Generation Is Coming Through Us."

Hello Blogging Audience,

Tonight at my Women's Captured meeting we had a phenomenal woman of God come and talk to us. The main topic of her message was women and the wounds on our hearts. She said many thought provoking and and true statements but one thing that struck me hard on the inside was when she said,

"Girls, the next generation is coming through us."

I never heard it phrased that way. It gave it such a sobering meaning. As a woman, I will be entrusted with the next generation coming from my womb and from my house. All through out history, since the very beginning of humanity, the next generation always came from the women.
On one hand, I'm honored to partner with God in raising up the next generation of men and women that will be history makers. But on the other hand, I'm terrified. I look around and see girls that aren't ready to be mamas. I see girls that can't even look someone in the eye because they have so little sense of self worth, how will this girl look at her beautiful daughter and say, "You're a princess." I see girls that dress like they've been treated- cheap. How will this girl raise a son who will respect women? I see girls that are still little kids on the inside, how will these girls be the authority and example that their children need? I see girls that think that fathers aren't important because they never had a father and the lie has blinded them from seeing the critical role a father has in the life of his son and daughter. How will her son grow up and be a man? How will her daughter grow up and know how to be in a trusting relationship with a guy?

These things are all common in my generation. Bitterness, unforgiveness, anger, jealousy, pride, self-pity, we ALL have these things in our hearts! And when we don't address them and take them to The Healer, we're going to raise a generation that says it's okay to be in an immoral relationship. They'll say it's okay to be mean, to be proud, to hold grudges, to put others down so that you feel better and to lie to cover yourself. I am not okay with this.

We, as women, must take our stand to be the example to the next generation. Whether it's your child or your sister's child or your neighbor's child or a child you see at wal-mart. Exemplify respect for elders, for your husband, for others in general. Go low and serve with a happy heart. Listen to them, encourage them, speak truth and identity over them. I want to see the next generation be the most God-fearing, truth loving, love giving and humble generation that has ever walk on the planet earth but they're not going to just be born like that. They're going to look to us as mothers, sisters, aunts, friends and people of authority. What we show them will be mirrored back to us. These little ones will come from us, our friends, our relatives, our neighbors and our peers. God wants to partner with us to raise a holy generation who will be filled with the Holy Spirit from the womb.

Jesus, show me how. Amen.

Love,
Me

Gut-wrenching sobs

Dear blog audience,

for those of you who don't know me, I'm a crier. I have no shame in my tears. If I'm upset, I cry. If I'm sad, I cry, if I'm lonely I cry, if I'm being touched by the Lord I cry, if I'm happy I cry. Sometimes it's only a couple tears and me getting choked up. Sometimes it's a longer time of tears where I need to be alone and feel what is in my heart. Rarely is it gut wrenching sobs. 

I think the first time I actually sobbed from the pit of my stomach was in 2009. The Fes Youth Group was having an all night prayer meeting and someone said something about how almost everyone in the youth group was going to be leaving. There were only two people in the room that had no plans to leave and one of them was me. I looked at the other girl and we shared a sad smile, knowing that we were the only two gonna be left and then I melted on the inside. The next thing I know, I'm covering my face as I feel my insides coming out as I sit there sobbing (loudly). My friend Derik wrapped his arms around me and I don't know how long I cried, but I think that was the first time I really let myself mourn the fact that so many important friends of mine were leaving. I had cried before and I had felt the pain before, but this was different. This shook the very core of my insides. That of course set off all the girls and soon we were all just a puddle of crying girls (And boys) as we prayed over each other. 

There were a few times that I cried like that again when we left Morocco. Most of them were by myself though. Alone on my bed, smothering my cries with my pillow. locked in the bathroom at 2am so that no one else would hear me, in an empty house laying on the floor because there was just no emotional strength to stand back up. The cries and the tears came from deep inside and I could feel the pain so strongly. It was actually physically painful in my chest. 

Well, it's been a while since I have had a session of gut-wrenching weeping. For one, I have had so much of my heart healed that the pain isn't as strong. And I find so much more comfort in Jesus. I've had tears and times of really feeling sad but nothing that touched the inside of my so deeply that the only way to let is out was to open up my emotions and cry with everything inside of me. Usually you can't plan these times either. They come because of something that someone says, does, implies... Something triggers your emotions and they just all come out. (unless you are emotionally constipated.) As you know from before, I've been emotional since school started this semester but I really haven't had anything bothering me that I felt like I just needed to cry it out. 

Someone once told me that I was very in tune with what my body was saying. Whether that is true or not, I totally missed this one. I went to service last night because I had an off night before I start babysitting for another family on Friday nights. During worship and ministry time, some friends and I began praying for each other. First it was just so that the Holy Spirit would increase, we prayed for healing for a couple of us and then the Spirit of Prophecy fell and we began to speak words of life and calling and destiny over each other. Lies were broken off, strongholds broken off, chains were broken off and we did this for an hour or so. God seemed to be highlighting one person at a time and so everyone would pray and prophesy over one person and then God would highlight the next one. I hadn't been highlighted yet and we were praying for someone else when my really good friend Kelly turned to me and said, "You are the daughter of God's joy. You are like His first born, His favorite one." from there she went on to say that it was so important that I keep interceding for the safety of the children at Village of Hope. I've never told anyone the burden in my heart for those kids and how I think about how many children in that area where they are get sexually abused and how I think about that they are now seen as orphans and not children with families to keep them safe. How protected will they be from being trafficked and sold into prostitution? The mountains where I used to live is known all the way on the Northern coast of the country for it's brothels. Those words that Kelly spoke over me, not even knowing how right on she was, made me cry. A few tears and a couple sniffles. But at the end she said, "I pray that you'll find a husband that will say to you, 'Hey, let's go on a trip and just go back and see those kids.' and that you would find a husband that would want to travel with you and take you places."

That's when the sobbing started. 

Now, I think about my husband a lot. A good portion of my day is spent praying and pondering about this man that is still a mystery to me yet already so connected to my life. I ask God about him often, just wanting to know more about this stranger whom I will marry. I am not anxious, but I am antsy. I fully trust the will of God concerning my love life (I mean, come on. He is the author of the greatest love story of all time.) but my "biological clock" is ticking. I'm excited to be a wife. I'm excited to have a family. I'm excited to fall in love with a broken and redeemed human. I want it to happen! What kind of person would I be if I didn't have the desire to be romanced? But I have my heart set on waiting for the moment that an upstanding young man talks to my father and says, "I don't want to live without your daughter." 

That being said, it surprised me how deeply the things that Kelly spoke over me went. I mean, yes, right now God has been speaking to me about a future mate but when Kelly began saying, "You're afraid this is going to happen and that your husband will be like that..." I felt something from the pit of my stomach cry out and say, "YES! I have been afraid! This is something that I was afraid of!" Sometimes lies go so deep that we don't even know they are there until someone calls them out and says, "This is a lie. This is truth. Walk in freedom." 

By the time Kelly was done, snot and tears were everywhere, my insides were trembling and I felt lighter. Sometimes when you weep so heavily, it takes time to get out of that feeling of sobriety. This time, though, I just stopped crying and was fine. Shaking, yes, but there was no turmoil in my soul. 

Sometimes I look back over my life and I wonder why God brings up certain things at certain times with certain people. For times like last night, I know it's another step closer to being a good wife that doesn't live in fear of her husband. It's another step in the right direction for a healthy marriage. How many more steps will there be? Who knows. But there will be more both before and after I get married. It's wonderful how God honors your choice to go through the journey when you fully surrender to Him. I know that learning hard lessons can be uncomfortable but I'd rather be uncomfortable than live in pride, unforgiveness, depression and lies. He uses things like people speaking truth over your heart to bring freedom to an area you didn't even know you had. He uses gut-wrenching sobs to take you into a place of deeper intimacy with Him. He uses weakness to glorify His name. It's so worth it.

Love,

Me

Today in school...

hello blogging audience,

Today in school, the teacher brought up free-will and predestination. It threw me off because the last time I'd really heard anyone discuss the topic of whether God had ordered every single action of every single person for every single second or if God didn't know everything because He allowed us our own choices was when I was 19 years old. It also happened to be the first time I'd heard anyone bring it up. At first I was stunned. How could God not know everything? I wondered. I don't think I like this topic. So I decided to believe what I'd always believed (that God knew everything) and forget about the predestination title. I didn't search it out, I didn't want to search it out, I didn't want someone else to search it out and tell me about it, I just wanted my disrupted thoughts to be placed back on the shelves of what I believed in and left alone. And until today, that's exactly what happened.

Thankfully, I've grown quite a bit in my faith and my knowledge of the scriptures since that first day I heard my friends talking about predestination vs. free-will so I didn't freak out quite so much. In fact, during the break I was talking to my friends about it and I found it comforting that none of us really knew what to believe because there seemed to be so many scriptures that came to mind that pointed to both views. After class I drove over to the prayer room so I could be with the Lord and try to wrestle through the notes from class. Sometimes when I can't figure out what I'm feeling or thinking, I sing and I find it brings clarity a lot quicker than trying to talk. Plus in a song, my thoughts tend to lead to more thoughts that I didn't even know that I had. So that's what I did as I drove, I sang. Some of the words that came out of my mouth surprised me because not only did they answer some of the questions, they also showed me that some of the questions didn't even need to be answered. Here's a sneak peak of my journal from after class...

Jan 31st, 2012
Jono's class was very... controversial in some ways today. Talking about Predestination and Free-Will. I don't even know how it all works but I 100% believe that Jesus/Father/Holy Spirit is omniscient and knows everything. But I also know that God moves because of prayer and offers us the chance to receive mercy in place of judgment and relates to us personally in a real, loving, inside-of-time way. We have free will yet God has appointed a time and an hour for Jesus to come back in response to a generation raising up as intercessors that beckon Him to come home. Jesus was slain before the foundation of the world yet do Free-Will theists [or whatever they are called] believe that God knew Adam would sin? I can't reject either one and I think God likes it that way. I don't have to have someone explain it. I can trust my Heavenly Father. Whether He did pre-determine everything or not. His heart is for me and I trust Him. 
 ...I love that I can trust my Heavenly Father even when I don't always understand His ways or I get thrown off by man. Maybe Jono is right. Maybe no one is right. Me loving God and knowing He is worthy doesn't hinge on whether I understand everything in the bible or not. I want to understand but how can I expect to fully understand when I am so much lower than the One I am trying to know? My mind just can't even go there. Regardless, I will worship. I will set my heart to press further into the heart of God. I know it is for me. He is delighted to share Himself with me...


One of the phrases that came out of my mouth while I was singing was, "Your attributes don't contradict one another but they will offend our hearts." and that thought struck me. I realized that there are so many things about God that man tries to understand and explain and define and teach about when really, how can we know? Maybe both Predestination and Free-Will are wrong. Maybe I'm just in my own camp all by myself and don't really know what I'm doing. Whatever it is, one thing does not change: God is worthy of my praise and my adoration, even when I get offended at some of the things that I find as I seek Him out. Who is man that we can tell Him how to act and who He is? I love that He delights to show us glimpses of His character and nature and that my love for Him increases through those glimpses, but I have to keep in mind, they are only glimpses and I must not think that I know God completely because of them.

Oh, the life of a bible college student.
Love,
Me

The Mom School

Hello blog audience,

Guys, I have the best job in the world. It prepares and equips me for my calling more than any other thing in the world. It fills me because I get to pour myself out. What am I? I'm a babysitter of course!

Tonight I got to do more than I normally do because I went over earlier than most weeks. I got to get the baby up from her nap, I got to cook them supper (it was frozen pizza, but still! I put that thing in the oven and cut it and fed those kids!), I bathed the littlest one, got them all to bed AND I cleaned the house (I love doing that and then leaving before the parents notice.). Granted, the kids were really good today, but I super enjoyed it.

I consider my babysitting jobs (there are three-four families that I babysit for regularly) the most important training school in my life at the moment. This strikes me as ironic because I get paid to babysit and in turn, use that money to pay to go to school. My highest calling, however, is not to play the piano and sing. One of my highest callings is to be the help-mate of the upstanding young gentleman that I have yet to meet and be the mother of the children God places in my life. [The highest calling of my life is to love God and love others.] I consider those two roles of wife and mother to be much more important than any job or school or degree or position in the whole world. And babysitting those precious children is my prep school.

When I babysit this particular family I always have the opportunity to learn more. The kids are wonderful and I love them all dearly but they are very full of life and probably smarter than I am on several levels so it takes a lot to keep up with them. The boys are not like my little brothers and the little girl is not like the other little girls I babysit. This gives me the opportunity to learn how to love differently. How to correct differently. How to see the world differently. Every child that is placed in my life gives me another chance to learn how to love differently. I love that about my job.

I know that when I become a mother, my children will not all come from my womb. They will come from many different countries and families and I'll need to know how to love each child the way that is best for them. I will need to know how to correct and discipline each child in a way that is best for them. I will need to know that the world doesn't always the same to each pair of eyes, but I'll need to get down on my knees so I can see the world the same way a child does. I have been praying for my kids for years and I know that some of them are probably already born. What is it going to look like to be the mother to the child another woman carried for 9 months? I don't know, but I know that these nights that I get to love the children I babysit for, God is working in my heart love for another child that will become mine.

And hopefully, when that day comes, and I have a bunch of kids and my husband and I want to take dance lessons (or even just go to wal-mart) we'll find a babysitter that can love our kids and who cleans our house just because she can. Sounds like an awesome girls to me ;)

Love,
Me

And sometimes, it really IS all in my head...

Hello blog audience,

I finally have three people following me!! I'm just a little excited. I have over 900 friends on facebook so I'm excited for this time of "small beginnings."

The topic of today's blog will be something that has been the topic of many of my mother's speeches: purity. 
The last thing I want to do in this blog is say, "My way is the right way and you guys are all going to regret it if you don't do what I do!" Un-uh. No sirree. I'm writing this because purity has become something that I value and treasure so much and I want to share a little bit of my journey in that area. Enough disclaimers, I trust you guys to know that I'm as weak and broken as the rest of the human race.

A friend told me a few months ago, "You know, we're signs and wonders to our generation because we're still virgins, happily single and living in purity. The majority of our generation can't say that." This is true because of the grace of God and His faithfulness to hem me in and guard my heart even when I didn't want to.

I don't remember how old I was when my mother first gave me "The purity talk" but I do remember I agreed with her. Praise God He gave me enough revelation to know that shallow church camp hook ups did more harm than good and that the girls that chased after the boys didn't really seem satisfied by the attention. So, at the ripe old age of 11, I developed my first serious crush. It wasn't the first boy that I had thought was cute (I'm pretty sure I thought all of my older brother's friends were cute when I was little) but this guy actually was nice to me. I was shy and awkward and extremely tiny, but this boy didn't look at me like I was a homeschooled freak, he looked at me like I was a friend. My heart couldn't ignore that. That was the beginning of a 3 year crush [I was serious 'bout that gangly little pre-adolescent boy] that I eventually got over and refused to allow my heart to go back to it. One of the reasons was because my best friend started liking the same guy and she was positive that he liked her. For the sake of preserving my heart, I let it go and thought, "I'm 14 now. I don't need these stupid immature crushes anymore."
My intentions were noble and if I could go back in time as a 23 year old, I would give myself a hug and then sit my little self down and say, "Okay, girl, we gotta talk because you want to do this whole purity thing, but it's going to take a lot more than just saying no. You need to understand your heart." I didn't know as a 14 year old why I was so attracted to boys, why I wanted them to notice me, why I was willing to do things that my heart despised [flirting] for the sake of attention. I didn't know the way that God had so carefully and wonderfully put me together with that desire deep on the inside to be pursued.  I thought I was malfunctioning with all the feelings inside of me longing to be in a relationship when really I was just being a woman. The commitments I had made to live in purity as a 14 year old girl when my parents gave me my first purity ring (it later broke and they had to buy me a new one) didn't just cover my actions, they covered my thoughts and my heart as well, This coupled with the fact that I did like boys and was attracted to them even when I tried so hard to "crush the crush" caused a lot of tension in my young teenage years.
When I was 15, I met one of the most upstanding teenage boys I have encountered in my life and bam, I was hopelessly attracted to him. I used to cry and pray that God would take those feelings and turn them into feelings for God because I didn't want to like this boy but, dad gum-it, I really liked him! These feelings also lasted for years (with a few interruptions.) and eventually I had to decide I wasn't being a bad person by being attracted to the young man. I had to come to terms with the fact that there was nothing wrong with thinking a good-looking boy was good-looking or realizing that an amazing boy is amazing. I could have liked many a more stupid person but I didn't and I had to realize that God wasn't mad at me for being attracted to a young man that looked a lot like the man I had been dreaming of since I was a little girl. In realizing that, however, I still had to choose to keep my thoughts and my heart pure and continue to give up my feelings for that young man unless God gave him to me as my husband. Seeing as he is now engaged and I'm still single, I'm sure you can put two and two together.
I am so grateful for those times of surrender to the Lord. I am so grateful I didn't just let myself go wild and attach myself to him even more than I did. Yes, I did like him and there were times when I was not pure in my thoughts and intentions toward him but those times were always followed by a recommitting of my heart to purity and waiting faithfully for my future husband.

Things got more complicated as I grew up (can I get an amen?). I began to swallow the lie that having crushes were okay. My deep-seated conviction of knowing that crushing  on someone was lust got booted out of the way because my selfish sinful desires wanted to be placated. I wanted to be like the other girls. I didn't want to be the party pooper at the slumber party who said, "Guys, this is a serious sin." It's not a harmless girl thing. We, as women, need to honour men as brothers and the husband of someone else. If I were to walk into a room of people talking about how my husband did this and that and he said blah blah blah and he was so hot and they wanted to be with him, I would not be impressed. In fact, I would probably get angry and start freaking out on them all. Yet I did it so many times about all sorts of boys. No, they weren't married then but some of them are now and some of them will be later but none of them will be married to me. One day I'll have to stand before God and answer for all the times I dishonoured young men in the way that I spoke about them. What will my excuse be?
When I was around 17 and 18 years old I began praying, "God, I want my emotions and my thoughts and my heart to be a pure as my wedding dress symbolizes on the day of my marriage." I didn't want to just get to the alter and say, "Hey, I'm so awesome, I didn't kiss anybody or cross the line or lose any part of my purity!" but on the inside I had lusted after hundreds of men, including the man I was going to marry. To me, that's not purity. Physical purity is important, of course, that's why I have guarded it so jealously these last 23 years of my life. But being emotionally pure is just as important, if not more so. Sometimes I dislike the fact the my imagination is so good because I can make up a story line that involves me marrying any guy I choose in my head. Then I realized that doing that now, as a single girl, will make it easier for me to do that later, as a married woman. How could I look my husband in the eye and say, "Well, in my head I married three people, just because I wanted to know what it would be like." Heck. No. 


Emotional purity is tough. I've read books and the bible and prayed and had accountability and it's still tricky. But I've set my heart on it and it's so much easier now to say no to fantasizing about that upstanding young man that looks a lot like the man I've been dreaming of since I was a little girl. I know how important it will be to me to know that my future husband committed to not lusting after other girls while he is single. I want to do the same as I pray for him to wait for me. It's a choice and it's not the easy one but it is one that God will see and honour.

Love,
Me

The Story of Esther

Hello blog audience,

Today's blog is going to be about a girl that has influenced me beyond what I even know. I wish that I could know this girl, spend a day with her and know everything she did because she is obviously amazing. I want to stand in her shoes, know what she set her heart on and what her thoughts were. How did she carry herself? How did she show love? How did she honour those in her life? What in the world was Esther's secret?

Let's be real folks, this story is absolutely fascinating. 

It's not every little girl that can be an orphan one day and then taken in to have a chance at being the wife of the king of the biggest empire in the history of the world. [I don't actually know if that is true...] You gotta have something pretty dang special to win the attention of a man who has had probably thousands of beautiful young virgins paraded in front of him for months and make him think, "Wait a second! I like this one!" What in the world did she do? I mean, obviously she was beautiful [this is a biblically noted fact.] and she had the help of the head eunich, Hegai, but really, guys, what did she do????  
Am I the only one that is intrigued by the spaces between the lines and wish I could go back to that day in time and see the way Esther met the king/ Was she scared? Was she smiling? Was her heart pounding so hard that the king could hear it? Did she know she was going to be chosen? Did she want to be chosen?

As much as I ponder those questions I do know at least one thing that Esther did. This verse gets me every time,
" ²⁰ Esther... was still following Mordecai’s directions, just as she did when she lived in his home."

This was after our girl was queen. This was after she had left Mordecai's house. I remember reading that and for the first time really reading it and the spirit of conviction fell on me something fierce.

Back in 2008, I was in a marriage swirl (translation: all I thought about was getting married.) and I can't remember if it was my mom that suggested it or if I just decided but Esther became my go to book. Now the marriage swirls come and go but the theme of honoring those in authority over me still jumps out each time I go back to study the life of Esther. Back then, I was 20 years old and was living with my parents as a young adult who had already been out on her own. I still did as they asked but my heart posture was often not one of respect towards them. As Jesus continued to reveal the rebellion in my heart and set my heart on the path of the 5th commandment, I was struck by how little my generation honours those in authority over us.

OBEYING OUR PARENTS AND HONOURING THEIR AUTHORITY OVER US DOES NOT HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE.


I can't tell you how many young people that I know and admire have this skewed perspective of, "Well, I'm 18 so I can make my own decision." Yes, legally you have the ability to do many things when you turn 18 but it doesn't make you immune to one of the 10 commandments. This is pride.

I am writing this blog because God has spent the last 4 years digging this lie out of my heart and showing me how wrong it is to think that listening to my parents end the night before my 18th birthday.  This was a rough journey because I am a prideful person. I was excited that I was an adult and I didn't have to follow all the household rules anymore. I was convinced that permission was not needed from my parents. And in some instances, it wasn't. I was a responsible adult who was capable of making my own decisions. Honouring my parents for all the years they spoke into my life, however, didn't always come into the decision making equation.

What if my generation began honouring those in authority over us. Not just doing what they say but really truly setting our hearts to serve them and respect them simply because they are in authority over us. That doesn't mean that everything they say is right or that everything they do is perfect or that they'll never hurt you (intentionally or unintentionally, people hurt others.) but God doesn't say, "Find a perfect boss/pastor/teacher and then honour their authority over your life." We're all broken but God puts those He wants in authority over others in their positions and we have to make the decision to respect them.

In our day and age, simply obeying your parents as a minor in their home is not found in many families. They show rebellion as being cool in movies and TV shows, they make it okay to lie to parents and be deceptive. They portray those in authority as stupid and unworthy of our respect. This is not okay with me. 


Shifting back to Esther; She honoured Mordecai who adopted her. That's a pretty straight-up guy. As far as I know, he didn't have a wife and they didn't have any other family around. They might have but they weren't written about so I don't technically know. A single man, raising a girl has to be challenging and I'm sure Morgecai did not get it all right. Yes, Esther honoured him in his house and out of his house because he was in authority over her.
Esther also honoured and respected Hegai, the head over the harem. Let's be honest, eunichs are not normal people. It's not their own fault, I know, but what would it be like to be taken into this harem with who knows how many other girls that are all beautiful and virgins and all wanting to be the queen of Persia and be placed under the authority of... an "it"? But somehow, in the midst of all the drama and cat-fights (we all know it happened), Esther caught that eunich's eye and he snatched her up and set her on the fast track to being the next queen of the biggest kingdom of the world.
Maybe it was because she said thank you.
Maybe she didn't sass back.
Maybe her actions spoke louder than her words.

I don't know about you, but I want to be the kind of girl that turns the head of a king who could have any young woman in the world. I want to be the kind of girl that sets my heart to honour those God puts in authority over me and is admired by everyone who sees me. Do you know someone who is admired by every person that sees them? It's a stunning thing and it's usually because that person has set their heart to be humble and serve those around them. It's so easy to love a person that comes up under you and says, "I'll go low so that you can go higher." What if we did that for our parents? Even when we don't agree with them. I want to be the kind of girl that is a nobody and becomes a girl that saves a nation because everyone who saw her was impressed.

Love,
Me

[Most of you might be thinking that with this much interest in the story of Esther I must love the movie, "A night with the king." This is a false and totally unrelated topic. I actually didn't like the movie very much at all.]

(Who I am sure is very cute and plays guitar.)

Dear Blogging Audience,

Last night in my maiden post (Oh geesh, did I really just type that?) I talked about consecration and how God has shown me how beautiful it really is. I meant every single word that I wrote, make no mistake, but I am going to write another entry today that is all about, well, being NOT consecrated.
[Technically, there are more things to be consecrated from than just relationships with the opposite gender but for the sake of simplicity, I'll just leave it at that. I'm sure there will be a blog about it later.] 


I want to be married.

Mmhmm. Yup. There you have it, flat out, no beating around the bush or watering down the truth. I have wanted to be married for quite some time now. Probably about 20 years or so since when I first started making my barbies get hitched and pop out babies. It's what my mom did and it's what my sister-in-law did and it's what my little sister is in the middle of doing and it's what I want to do. Call it a family thing, but I can't wait to be a wife and a mother. (Chill, I don't take these responsibilities lightly, I know they are hardcore.)
As you know from the previous entry, God has been hiding me and there have been no eligible young bachelors coming around to ask my dad for my fair hand in marriage. This has been so critical to my heart as I learned how to surrender and ask God for His heart for my husband and even myself as a wife. Over the past few months I have felt things change as I pray. I have no idea who or when or where or how but I do know that God is gently guiding me to the place where the upstanding young man will run into me (hopefully not literally but hey, whatever it takes.) and that it's going to be at just the right time. My impatient little heart is begging, "God, make it soon! I might explode if I have to wait 3 more years!" but at the same time there's this peaceful little whisper in my heart that is overriding all the selfish desires for it to happen NOW. God has been so faithful to keep me steady in keeping my gaze on Him.
One thing that God used to encourage me in this time of waiting was a picture. The scene was of me dancing with God, my eyes focused on Him and completely undistracted (Oh great, is that not a word?) by life around me. God, however, wasn't looking at me. He was looking over my shoulder at a young man (who I am sure is very cute and plays guitar) with a twinkle in His eye. Now, God didn't say anything, but the look on His face said something along the lines of, "Yes, she's beautiful. Are you going to cut in or what?" That young man (who I am sure is very cute and plays guitar) was simply standing on the sidelines of the dance floor staring, no, gawking at me dancing with God. And God was waiting for the young man (who I am sure is very cute and plays guitar) to step up and ask to cut in.
This picture doesn't mean that when I get a boyfriend and eventually a husband that I won't be able to love God and continue "dancing" with Him, but it showed me that right now the most important thing is keeping my eyes and my heart focused on God. Why? Because that's how the upstanding young man in the picture (who I am sure is very cute and plays guitar.) is going to fall in love with me.

So that is what I've set my heart to do in this season. I know that there is grace to continue on in this consecration until God convinces the young man on the sidelines (who I am sure is very cute and plays guitar) to come and ask to cut in. Whenever that may be.

Love,
Me