The Shirt I Wear Inside Out

Hello long-lost Blogging audience,

Tonight I can't sleep and I started writing this blog in my head so I decided to come back from the blogging world dead and write it out for people to actually read.

A few summers ago, I got a hand-me down shirt from a dear friend. I liked that it was black, I needed a black t-shirt. It was super comfy. It fit me well which is always a win so I decided to keep it. The only thing was that it proudly read across the front, "Everything boys do, girls can do better." At least, I think that's what it says. I don't agree with that on a couple different levels, the first one being that it's prideful to boast and I don't need any help being proud. My mom fixed my problem by suggesting I keep the shirt but wear it inside out. I can't remember exactly what the shirt says it has been so long since I saw it right side out.
Why am I writing about this tonight?
Tonight was the world premier of the Disney Channel Original movie, "The Teen Beach Movie." One of the lines that was said several times through out the movie by the main girl was, "Girls can do anything boys can." Now, in her case she was talking about surfing in the 1960's, but every time they said it I cringed because that's a message that has been shouted at girls since before I was born and it's a lie.
Before you think I don't believe woman can do anything except stay in the kitchen and have babies and  that they shouldn't work outside the home or be pastors or leaders in any way, please know that that's not true. Believe me, I grew up with someone close to me believing that and it hindered me a lot until I realized he was wrong. Yes, women can have jobs and work along side men but not simply because they want to be better than men. If God wanted us all to be like men, or better than men, He would have made us all men. There would be no women. He had the chance to keep the entire population of the world made up of males who were made in His image. But something was missing, so He made women after His own image. Together, we create something good. Men and women.
I understand that we get hurt by men. We get shoved down, talked down, put down and looked down on and that's not right. But we need men in this world. Not to be better than them, but to work along side of them. And the best thing is, men are great at certain things and women are great at others. It takes a very special kind of man to handle a screaming baby. But hand him to a woman, there's a natural instinct to mother and nurture the little one. Then there comes a day when that baby is older and the voice of a father speaking life, destiny, direction and encouragement will make all the difference in whether that boy finishes high school or that little girl keeps her virginity.

We need fathers. We need husbands. We need sons. And we need to know that together we made something that was "not good" into something that was good. That good thing happens when men are confident in who they are as men made in the image of God and women are confident of who they are as women made in the image of God.
Part of being a woman who is confident is knowing her worth. She knows she's worth more than being with a guy who constantly disrespects her or only uses her as an object. She knows she can accept the honor and attention of a man graciously and respond in purity. She knows she can work hard and work long and lay herself down for the good of others without losing who she is or giving up the dreams God has put into her heart. She carries the fragile yet strong feminine heart and blesses the men in her life for carrying inside of them the brave yet tender masculine heart, both made in the image of God.

And that's why I wear my shirt inside out.
Love,
Me

My Best Friend's Wedding

Dear Blogging Audience,

Have you ever watched your best friend get married to the love of their life? The couple is practically glowing and that look of adoration in their eyes is unmistakable. The emotions that come up as they say their vows and the mothers of the bride and groom tear up as they realize that their little ones are not so little anymore and are ready to commit the rest of their lives to going on a journey of love.

I got to be in my best friend's wedding this past weekend and I never knew the amount of joy and happiness my heart could feel as I watched Faith and Colin get married. My face literally began aching from smiling so much while watching the ceremony. Tears ran down my face as Colin vowed to love and honor and cherish the person I love and cherish and more tears ran down my face as Faith read her rhyming vows to the only boy who had fully conquered her heart. After the kiss and the bridal party left, I felt as if I was glowing as much as the bride was, I was so overcome with joy. We had a massive group hug in the kitchen and kept saying over and over how it was finally done.

When I was first asked to be a part of Faith's wedding, I was ecstatic! I've always loved weddings and this was going to be the 1st time I was going to be in a friend's wedding with real Bride's maidal duties. [Bride's Maidal: the word we use to describe anything the Maid of Honor and I had to do for the wedding.] I was going to have a dress and we were going to get our hair done at a salon and we were going to have pictures taken and there would be groomsmen and keeping track of Faith's things and making sure she ate and had anything she could need. I got to be in the room as the dress was pulled over her head and she was laced up in the back. I got to kneel down and fix her bustle and then look up at her, my best friend, and feel that surge of bittersweet emotions. There she was, ready to leave a part of herself behind in order to find a whole new type of love and joy.
Because they only had two friends stand up with them, I was part of the first couple that walked down the aisle to start the ceremony. I was so honored to have that opportunity to walk in, smile at the many faces I didn't really know and towards the front where I would stand, holding my flowers, and representing a million different memories from Faith's life. I knew that my friendship with Faith was going to be completely different. There are going to be many years more of memories and pictures and dances and laughs, but it's never going to be just Faith and Baylea again ever because Faith is also part of Colin. As the ceremony progressed I remembered the times Faith had held me when I cried or made me laugh til my stomach hurt or gave me a special best friend look that no one else would see. Those things will still happen but it will be different. Even so, I knew my best friend was happy and watching her become Colin's wife was one of the most amazing gifts she could have ever given me as a friend. 


There were so many little things about the day that I got to experience that no one else did and I don't want to take those things for granted. Like the dance party in the car on the way to get our hair done, watching her and Colin see each other for the first time on the wedding day, hugging her in the pictures of just the two of us, sitting in the room waiting for the ceremony to start and letting them win points in Baylea Blushing [I really didn't have a choice], our group hug after the ceremony, standing by the table while they cut the cake, singing them the song I wrote for them and Colin blowing me a kiss when I was done, watching their first dance and not being able to stop smiling.  It was such a beautiful wedding and I was thrilled to have been a part of it in so many ways. 


When we got home I didn't want to get out of my dress or take off Zach's vest or put down my flowers or wash my make-up off because I didn't want the night to be over. As the Fessies all sat in a pile on the couch we talked about how wonderful the wedding was, how beautiful I had been, how happy we were for Faith and Colin and how excited we were for the next wedding. [Which will be mine. ;)] I didn't know how amazing it would be to watch my best friend get married but now I do and it's a feeling I never want to forget.

Faith and Colin,
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for allowing me to love and support you guys in such a special way on your wedding day. Can't wait til I get to head back up to Canada!
Love,
Me

Pregnant Teenagers.

Dear Blog Audience,

I happened to find a Lifetime movie on youtube Wednesday night while I was babysitting and passing time while the kids were asleep. It was called, "The Pregnancy Pact" and it was based on these teenage girls in high school that all promised to get pregnant with their friend. It was hard to watch because of the whole abstinence vs. let's just give them birth control and the "they're going to do it anyways, let's just try to keep babies from coming from this." type of stance. I know this is the mind set of most of the western world. I was very glad that abortion was not a main message in the film. But what I got out of it (besides an overwhelming desire to be a mother again) was the loneliness all of those teenagers had. All the emptiness and constant striving to fill those deep wells within us that cry to be filled. All four of those girls wanted to have babies because, I believe, they thought that being a mom would fulfill them. So far, they had come up empty from each endeavor to fill their hearts. No boy or family or school or friend or party or experience had filled them. But a baby.... A baby loves unconditionally! A baby wouldn't care if they finished school or not! A baby would be the perfect thing to fill their empty holes.

The movie showed one girl struggling to take care of her baby. The main character, however, seemed to turn into a wonderful mom but she realized the weight of her actions when she caused her family humiliation and lost her boyfriend, the father of her baby. There was so much drama. So many hurt people hurting other people who tried to fix the problems but just ended up hurting even more.

At first I was like, "My goodness, American teenagers are so messed up these days!" But then I realized, I had had those same aches and longings and loneliness. I can't tell you how many times as a teenager and even as a young adult I tried to fill the void with entertainment, guys, friends, circumstances, fantasies etc. The only difference between me and those four girls is that Jesus hedged me in and protected me. He gave me parents that gave me boundaries and friends that also embraced purity. For me, I wasn't surrounded by people who were "doing it", I was in a group of friends that all joined the, "I'm waiting for wild, passionate, awkward, honey-moon sex" group on facebook. If not for those factors, I am very certain that I, too, could have been a teenage mother who was still just as empty and still just as hurting as she had been before she had her baby.

I got done watching it and as I thought about how it made me feel I just started thanking God for His mercy that led me to a place in my life where I consciously realized that Jesus really does satisfy and that He WAS satisfying my heart. No husband, child, house, country, friend, job, title or amount of money can ever match this feeling of confidence that I have in my Father to fill these deep wells inside of my heart. Even as a Christian teenager, I was empty because I was looking for something to fill me that had nothing in and of itself to give me. Only when I went to the Source of all things, did I find what I needed. Unless you find that Fountain of Living Water, you'll always get thirsty again.

If you guys are wondering where watching movies on youtube fit into my movie fast.... they don't. And I've been realizing how I've been feeding my flesh more. It's not that I have to give up movies. I really really really want to! I want to spend this year undistracted by the entertainment of this world. I really desire that. However, I'm realizing I need more grace. I'm willing to struggle through this because in the end, it's going to be worth it.

Love,
Me

I love being me

Dear Blog Audience,

As someone who used to struggle with self-hatred I cannot tell you how absolutely freeing it is to dress up and get all pretty and really believe that I am beautiful. I didn't look in the mirror and think, "I wish I was skinnier or taller or tanner or had straighter and whiter teeth...." I looked in the mirror and said, "Wow, God! Look at me! I feel beautiful!"
I love that I have freedom in rejoicing in my femininity. I don't have to get dressed up and have someone do my hair with a thousand bobby-pins but neither do I have to kick-it in my jeans and converse all the time to feel beautiful and comfortable. My skin is my skin and God loves to watch me twirl around in front of the mirror and feel confident. Yes, I did agonize over what I was going to wear and did wonder if the other girls were going to like it but in the end, I decided I didn't have to worry about that. I looked beautiful and I felt comfortable and modest. Me feeling beautiful didn't depend on what the other girls were wearing or whether I was 100% happy with my choice of clothes. It depended on if I listened to that whisper on the inside that said, "I made you. I delight in you. I say you are beautiful. That's all that matters."
When I went to check my make-up in the mirror, I smiled and was drawn to the crinkles around my eyes. I like them. I looked so happy. Yes, my make-up looked awesome, but I loved the joy that I saw. That made me feel beautiful.
The reason why I was all dressed up and primped out was because the sophomore guys of IHOPU were giving the sophomore girls of IHOPU a special luncheon to honor us as their classmates. Usually me in a room full of beautiful young ladies that are dolled up and dressed to the nine's would have me comparing everyone and everything. I'd be calculating everything that they didn't compliment me on and wonder why they didn't. But not today. I walked in and immediately had several girls all say, "Baylea, you look beautiful!" and I believed them. They were gorgeous and had such cute dresses and earrings and were all glowing and I could say back, "You look beautiful too!" I meant it and felt joy in saying it to them! If I had not felt beautiful, I would have sucked in all of their compliments and not handed them out because of insecurity. What a wonderful gift to be free of the insecurities. Not only did I feel honored by the guys, but I felt honored by the girls too in how they complimented me truly and were confident in their own beauty.
What a gift to be free to enjoy the skin God gave me. To look at my hands and feet and stomach and face and thank God for them! It's been a journey because I don't look like what I was told beautiful was. But beauty isn't what I see. I can't define it. I don't even know what True Beauty looks like. But I know that loving how God made me makes me feel like the coolest person in the world no matter what I'm wearing or what anybody says to me. God's heart for me and for my generation is not to despise our bodies and how we look. He made us to be comfortable with our arms and legs and front sides and back sides and use them to glorify Him. Just loving our bodies in a healthy way is an act of worship and is a way of thanking Him.

Love,
Me

Dear Little Sisters....

Dear Little Sisters,

This post is especially for you. Why? Well, I love you. All of you. And I see part of me inside of you and I want to be the one that helps you avoid some of the most confusing things I had to go through when I was your age. Your heart is so precious and your innocence is priceless. I want to help you guard and protect them and push you higher than I am right now. Because that's what big sisters are for. 

First of all- You're beautiful. You can wear old gramma sweaters and bright purple snow pants for the rest of your life with a poodle perm and still be gorgeous. You could never touch another tube of lipstick or put on mascara again and still be attractive. Yes, part of your beauty is on the outside but honestly, it's the light inside of you that is shining so brightly that makes you stunning. Your eyes glow and your smile lights up your whole face because you're confident in the love that created the whole world. You know you have the most beautiful Man that is going to come for you and be with you forever at the end of time. And when that day comes it's not going to matter how many times you straightened your hair or wore cute dresses, it will matter if you went into your secret place and poured your love out on this Man and received His love back. When you do that, you can't help but look more beautiful on the outside because of the way you hold yourself. You have that child-like faith to fills you with so much joy. So much peace. Those things on the inside can be so obvious on the outside that people stop and stare and wonder what on earth you have. You're beautiful! I love seeing you all dressed up and taking care of what you look like on the outside because we're special and dressing with the mindset that we are important to God is a wonderful and right thing. But it's what I see coming from the inside that makes me burst with pride. I see you walking with your head held high with or without a boyfriend, with or without the latest style of shoes and clothes, with or without a wonderful family life back home, with or without the perfect this or that. You've learned that those things don't make you or if you're not there yet, you're learning. You're more than all of those things and they don't have to be what defines you. You lay down those things and listen to what all of heaven is saying about you. What God is saying about you. Even on the days when the perfect guy walks right past you after getting all dressed up and you feel like crap, even on the days when you have a fight with both of your parents, you sister and you kick your dog and you feel so angry, even on the days when people say things about you just to tear you down and you feel like the least important person in the world. Guess what.... You're His favorite one. Those times when things don't go your way He's still saying, "You are precious to me. Let me restore your heart. Let me love you." Those days are so hard! But when we take those times and run into the arms of Perfect Love, we come out even stronger. We'll find that little by little, as we grow up, there will be situations that used to frustrate or hurt us that don't anymore, because we've found an unshakable identity in the Jesus Christ, the Son of God. All the men in the world can never give us that type of security and no person, place or thing in the world could satisfy our hearts like Jesus. When that becomes your reality, you're whole world changes.
Secondly- You are strong. So strong. Don't believe me? Look at yourself. You are a beautiful, pure, full of life creation in a dying, perverse and ugly world. And you're still alive. You still believe in Love and you know that there are good plans for you. Only those that are strong can get to be your age and still believe that purity and holiness is better than pleasures of this world. There is a humility that comes with being truly strong because you know your strength is not your own. It belongs to the One who saved you from sin and death. You rest in the assurance that you can call upon that strength that is immeasurable. The same power that raised Christ from the dead is inside of you simply because of God's great love for you. (don't believe me? Read Eph. 1:17-2:10.) How humbling! How awesome! How contrary to the world's perspective to know that even when we are weak, we are strong because we have a power source that never diminishes. Ever. You show strength when you choose to walk away from temptations. You show strength when you choose to love the annoying, immature person that everyone makes fun of. You show strength when you choose the man of your dreams based on what is inside of him, not what is outside. You show strength when you dress with modesty because that's not what the world is telling you to do. You may be the only one with her body covered but you will also be the only one that guys will actually respect and want to pursue a REAL relationship with. (Unless of course you don't know any real men. Then they'll just all be scared of you because you show them that they aren't men and they're not as cool as they thought they were. If this is the case, DO NOT SETTLE!)  You show strength when you choose to live the lifestyle Jesus calls us to in the Sermon on the Mount. Fasting. Giving. Blessing our enemies. Praying. Serving. Those things take strength! Being humble takes strength! Choosing Jesus every day takes strength yet here you are, so beautiful and strong. I'm so proud to call you my little sisters. Really. 
Thirdly- You are a treasure. A jewel. Something hidden away in Jesus until the right person catches a glimpse of it or hears a rumor about it and says, "Yes! I want my life goal to be searching for this treasure and loving this treasure and having this treasure as my very own to protect and take care of." There are going to be really rough days ahead of you. For real. But this journey of waiting is one of the most precious things you can ever give that man you will one day marry. I can't wait for the day that I get to see you in your white dress, gazing up into the eyes of true love without a single regret. We'll never have a journey that is perfect, we'll all stumble at times but the whole point is to get back up, clinging to your purity and your dignity and saying, "I set my heart to wait. Again. Today. And every day until I am pursued and someone captures my heart." Right now, I am sure I'll love whoever you pick but in case someone tells you  something different or some very awful thing happens and you are stupid for a moment, these are some guidelines that I've learned in my waiting years:

1)If this man does not love and respect your family, and especially your parents, he is so not the one. 2)If this man does not love push you and challenge you spiritually to become a better person and love Jesus and others more, he is not the one.3)If this man manipulates you to get what he wants, HE IS NOT THE ONE!4)If this man does not treat you like a treasure because he's so full of himself, he's definitely not the one.5)If this man makes you do all the communicating and work in the relationship, he's not the one.6)If this man does not respect your time, he is not the one.7)If this man does not have the same heart for orphans or the nations or family or whatever your dream is that you have, he is obviously not the one.8)If this man cannot get off his butt and get a job or show responsibility, he is not the one.9)If this man is not willing to face real life but hides away from problems, he is not the one.10)If this man is disrespectful to others, he is very much not the one.

I know some of those are very obvious but really, when you're having a lonely day and someone comes up, says the right things and makes you feel better, you can close your eyes to a lot of important things. Sometimes those guys need to grow up and in a few years they'll be wonderful young men. But sometimes they don't and the last thing you need to do is wait around for a guy that may or may not become worth the wait. Take your single years to pray for God's heart for you. If you don't love yourself, you're not going to wait for someone who loves your (truly) either. When you realize the wonderfulness that is YOU that God really does love and adore and has good plans for, you'll think, "Why settle for this guy that doesn't even want to work? Why settle for that guy that doesn't listen to me when I talk? I'm worth pursuing. I'm worth being taken care of by a husband. I'm worth having a man who listens to me." I want you to get that truth inside of you. I just told you how beautiful and strong you are, but take those things and listen to what God is saying about you. He's so happy to talk to you about you because He loves you! And it's in His heart to give you a husband that will really love you as Christ loves the church. I pray that you all find husbands that you respect more than anyone else in the world (except for maybe your parents...) and that you trust so much you submit to their God given leadership over you. I pray that you'll be pursued by men who will set physical boundaries so high because he knows how precious you are and how weak human flesh is. That they won't be pushing you to lower them, but calling you to even higher expressions of purity. Let us be women that treat our male friends with respect by not flirting with them or dressing immodestly around them or talking about things that are inappropriate to talk about with guys. We don't have to play dumb and think that things don't affect them because they don't show it. We can be wise and love them well with our purity and one day, a man of God will see you doing that and think, "I want a wife that will act like that. I want her." 

Life has a way of not turning out the way we thought it would. It has a way of knocking us down harder than we were expecting and rubbing us in the dirt so we feel more shame than we ever knew was humanly possible. But the wonderful thing is that God uses brokenness to sometimes teach the most important lessons in life. Never underestimate the amount of influence you have one someone's life. You will be a big sister too one day and realize how many little eyes are watching you. You guys have pushed me to reach for Jesus so many times and I have reached this point because I knew that you were looking to me to be an example. I know I haven't been perfect but I do love you and I pray for you to know just how strong and beautiful of a treasure you truly are. 
Love,
Your big sister

Valentine's day prayer

Dear Blog Audience,

After my lovely example of raw Baylea emotions, I'm sure you're ready for something that actually edifies you. I guess the main subject these days is Valentine's day. I could write about that but I really don't have much experience with how to have a great Valentine's day. I'm usually pretty happy on Valentine's day. I always think about my husband [the one that I'm not married to yet] and I always pray,

"God, let this be the last Valentine's day that I am single." 

Looks like I'll be praying that prayer again this too. Honestly though, I'm not that upset about it. How can I be? If I don't have that person, it's obviously not time yet and God's timing is WAY more important than having a date on Valentine's day. Even if I have to pray that prayer for 50 years in a a row [Oh Lord, have mercy], I will always pray, "God, YOUR timing." and mean it. I've seen relationships start in the wrong timing. It sucks! I don't want that! I want a relationship, a man that will eventually be my best friend, but I don't want that premature relationship that cripples you because things seem so right and so wrong at the same time. Everybody gets hurt, nobody knows how to really fix the problem, your parents say one thing, the other person says another and you want to do what both parties are telling you to do but you can't because they are exact opposite. Sometimes you stay with the person and feel like you can never really be yourself or you break it off and you feel like you can never really be yourself. I. Do. Not. Want. That.
HOWEVER! One day, I'll have that best man in the world that gives me an amazing Valentine's day and I can write him a love letter and dress cute and hold his hand and glow with happiness. I want that. And then we'll have some kids and Valentine's day will probably look like us in our sweat pants eating frozen burritos on the couch while the kids watch Veggie Tales. I want that too. Because my husband will be with me and I'll know that he loves me in so many other ways that getting dressed up for a date. There will be love letters and cute clothes but there will also be a deeper knowledge of love and each other. Maybe his main love language won't be quality time, maybe his highest love language is acts of service and the way I can most bless him is by doing something for him. He'll know that I'm not a big chocolate lover [I go through moods] and realize that a box of cookies is my love language. Our marriage won't stay at the level it will be on the day we get married, just like our bodies won't stay in the same shape. I hope that 20 years from now my husband and I can look at our wedding pictures and think, "Wow, we were so good looking back then but we didn't know a thing about love." and be glad that we know more about love even if our bodies don't look quite so young.
I suppose I should stop writing about my husband so people don't get confused. Or maybe I'll just explain. One day, I will be married. This man is a real person and one day I will stand before him and vow to be his wife. With this mind set, I have decided to set my heart on this nameless young man and not pretend like he doesn't exist. That's why I often refer to the man without a name as my husband already to remind myself that my wait is not in vain. It's for a real person.
That all being said, I don't have any big plans for Valentine's day this year. I'm sure my heart will play tug of war between being satisfied in Christ and that persistent feeling that has plagued me for years of wanting to know this beautiful thing people call being in a relationship. And I will pray that it is my last Valentine's day that I ever spend as a single girl. Not because I'm miserable, but because I know that there's a handsome young man that fits the description in my heart of the man of my dreams out there. Maybe he's praying that this is the last Valentine's day he's single too...

Love,
Me

The Mom School

Hello blog audience,

Guys, I have the best job in the world. It prepares and equips me for my calling more than any other thing in the world. It fills me because I get to pour myself out. What am I? I'm a babysitter of course!

Tonight I got to do more than I normally do because I went over earlier than most weeks. I got to get the baby up from her nap, I got to cook them supper (it was frozen pizza, but still! I put that thing in the oven and cut it and fed those kids!), I bathed the littlest one, got them all to bed AND I cleaned the house (I love doing that and then leaving before the parents notice.). Granted, the kids were really good today, but I super enjoyed it.

I consider my babysitting jobs (there are three-four families that I babysit for regularly) the most important training school in my life at the moment. This strikes me as ironic because I get paid to babysit and in turn, use that money to pay to go to school. My highest calling, however, is not to play the piano and sing. One of my highest callings is to be the help-mate of the upstanding young gentleman that I have yet to meet and be the mother of the children God places in my life. [The highest calling of my life is to love God and love others.] I consider those two roles of wife and mother to be much more important than any job or school or degree or position in the whole world. And babysitting those precious children is my prep school.

When I babysit this particular family I always have the opportunity to learn more. The kids are wonderful and I love them all dearly but they are very full of life and probably smarter than I am on several levels so it takes a lot to keep up with them. The boys are not like my little brothers and the little girl is not like the other little girls I babysit. This gives me the opportunity to learn how to love differently. How to correct differently. How to see the world differently. Every child that is placed in my life gives me another chance to learn how to love differently. I love that about my job.

I know that when I become a mother, my children will not all come from my womb. They will come from many different countries and families and I'll need to know how to love each child the way that is best for them. I will need to know how to correct and discipline each child in a way that is best for them. I will need to know that the world doesn't always the same to each pair of eyes, but I'll need to get down on my knees so I can see the world the same way a child does. I have been praying for my kids for years and I know that some of them are probably already born. What is it going to look like to be the mother to the child another woman carried for 9 months? I don't know, but I know that these nights that I get to love the children I babysit for, God is working in my heart love for another child that will become mine.

And hopefully, when that day comes, and I have a bunch of kids and my husband and I want to take dance lessons (or even just go to wal-mart) we'll find a babysitter that can love our kids and who cleans our house just because she can. Sounds like an awesome girls to me ;)

Love,
Me

And sometimes, it really IS all in my head...

Hello blog audience,

I finally have three people following me!! I'm just a little excited. I have over 900 friends on facebook so I'm excited for this time of "small beginnings."

The topic of today's blog will be something that has been the topic of many of my mother's speeches: purity. 
The last thing I want to do in this blog is say, "My way is the right way and you guys are all going to regret it if you don't do what I do!" Un-uh. No sirree. I'm writing this because purity has become something that I value and treasure so much and I want to share a little bit of my journey in that area. Enough disclaimers, I trust you guys to know that I'm as weak and broken as the rest of the human race.

A friend told me a few months ago, "You know, we're signs and wonders to our generation because we're still virgins, happily single and living in purity. The majority of our generation can't say that." This is true because of the grace of God and His faithfulness to hem me in and guard my heart even when I didn't want to.

I don't remember how old I was when my mother first gave me "The purity talk" but I do remember I agreed with her. Praise God He gave me enough revelation to know that shallow church camp hook ups did more harm than good and that the girls that chased after the boys didn't really seem satisfied by the attention. So, at the ripe old age of 11, I developed my first serious crush. It wasn't the first boy that I had thought was cute (I'm pretty sure I thought all of my older brother's friends were cute when I was little) but this guy actually was nice to me. I was shy and awkward and extremely tiny, but this boy didn't look at me like I was a homeschooled freak, he looked at me like I was a friend. My heart couldn't ignore that. That was the beginning of a 3 year crush [I was serious 'bout that gangly little pre-adolescent boy] that I eventually got over and refused to allow my heart to go back to it. One of the reasons was because my best friend started liking the same guy and she was positive that he liked her. For the sake of preserving my heart, I let it go and thought, "I'm 14 now. I don't need these stupid immature crushes anymore."
My intentions were noble and if I could go back in time as a 23 year old, I would give myself a hug and then sit my little self down and say, "Okay, girl, we gotta talk because you want to do this whole purity thing, but it's going to take a lot more than just saying no. You need to understand your heart." I didn't know as a 14 year old why I was so attracted to boys, why I wanted them to notice me, why I was willing to do things that my heart despised [flirting] for the sake of attention. I didn't know the way that God had so carefully and wonderfully put me together with that desire deep on the inside to be pursued.  I thought I was malfunctioning with all the feelings inside of me longing to be in a relationship when really I was just being a woman. The commitments I had made to live in purity as a 14 year old girl when my parents gave me my first purity ring (it later broke and they had to buy me a new one) didn't just cover my actions, they covered my thoughts and my heart as well, This coupled with the fact that I did like boys and was attracted to them even when I tried so hard to "crush the crush" caused a lot of tension in my young teenage years.
When I was 15, I met one of the most upstanding teenage boys I have encountered in my life and bam, I was hopelessly attracted to him. I used to cry and pray that God would take those feelings and turn them into feelings for God because I didn't want to like this boy but, dad gum-it, I really liked him! These feelings also lasted for years (with a few interruptions.) and eventually I had to decide I wasn't being a bad person by being attracted to the young man. I had to come to terms with the fact that there was nothing wrong with thinking a good-looking boy was good-looking or realizing that an amazing boy is amazing. I could have liked many a more stupid person but I didn't and I had to realize that God wasn't mad at me for being attracted to a young man that looked a lot like the man I had been dreaming of since I was a little girl. In realizing that, however, I still had to choose to keep my thoughts and my heart pure and continue to give up my feelings for that young man unless God gave him to me as my husband. Seeing as he is now engaged and I'm still single, I'm sure you can put two and two together.
I am so grateful for those times of surrender to the Lord. I am so grateful I didn't just let myself go wild and attach myself to him even more than I did. Yes, I did like him and there were times when I was not pure in my thoughts and intentions toward him but those times were always followed by a recommitting of my heart to purity and waiting faithfully for my future husband.

Things got more complicated as I grew up (can I get an amen?). I began to swallow the lie that having crushes were okay. My deep-seated conviction of knowing that crushing  on someone was lust got booted out of the way because my selfish sinful desires wanted to be placated. I wanted to be like the other girls. I didn't want to be the party pooper at the slumber party who said, "Guys, this is a serious sin." It's not a harmless girl thing. We, as women, need to honour men as brothers and the husband of someone else. If I were to walk into a room of people talking about how my husband did this and that and he said blah blah blah and he was so hot and they wanted to be with him, I would not be impressed. In fact, I would probably get angry and start freaking out on them all. Yet I did it so many times about all sorts of boys. No, they weren't married then but some of them are now and some of them will be later but none of them will be married to me. One day I'll have to stand before God and answer for all the times I dishonoured young men in the way that I spoke about them. What will my excuse be?
When I was around 17 and 18 years old I began praying, "God, I want my emotions and my thoughts and my heart to be a pure as my wedding dress symbolizes on the day of my marriage." I didn't want to just get to the alter and say, "Hey, I'm so awesome, I didn't kiss anybody or cross the line or lose any part of my purity!" but on the inside I had lusted after hundreds of men, including the man I was going to marry. To me, that's not purity. Physical purity is important, of course, that's why I have guarded it so jealously these last 23 years of my life. But being emotionally pure is just as important, if not more so. Sometimes I dislike the fact the my imagination is so good because I can make up a story line that involves me marrying any guy I choose in my head. Then I realized that doing that now, as a single girl, will make it easier for me to do that later, as a married woman. How could I look my husband in the eye and say, "Well, in my head I married three people, just because I wanted to know what it would be like." Heck. No. 


Emotional purity is tough. I've read books and the bible and prayed and had accountability and it's still tricky. But I've set my heart on it and it's so much easier now to say no to fantasizing about that upstanding young man that looks a lot like the man I've been dreaming of since I was a little girl. I know how important it will be to me to know that my future husband committed to not lusting after other girls while he is single. I want to do the same as I pray for him to wait for me. It's a choice and it's not the easy one but it is one that God will see and honour.

Love,
Me

The Story of Esther

Hello blog audience,

Today's blog is going to be about a girl that has influenced me beyond what I even know. I wish that I could know this girl, spend a day with her and know everything she did because she is obviously amazing. I want to stand in her shoes, know what she set her heart on and what her thoughts were. How did she carry herself? How did she show love? How did she honour those in her life? What in the world was Esther's secret?

Let's be real folks, this story is absolutely fascinating. 

It's not every little girl that can be an orphan one day and then taken in to have a chance at being the wife of the king of the biggest empire in the history of the world. [I don't actually know if that is true...] You gotta have something pretty dang special to win the attention of a man who has had probably thousands of beautiful young virgins paraded in front of him for months and make him think, "Wait a second! I like this one!" What in the world did she do? I mean, obviously she was beautiful [this is a biblically noted fact.] and she had the help of the head eunich, Hegai, but really, guys, what did she do????  
Am I the only one that is intrigued by the spaces between the lines and wish I could go back to that day in time and see the way Esther met the king/ Was she scared? Was she smiling? Was her heart pounding so hard that the king could hear it? Did she know she was going to be chosen? Did she want to be chosen?

As much as I ponder those questions I do know at least one thing that Esther did. This verse gets me every time,
" ²⁰ Esther... was still following Mordecai’s directions, just as she did when she lived in his home."

This was after our girl was queen. This was after she had left Mordecai's house. I remember reading that and for the first time really reading it and the spirit of conviction fell on me something fierce.

Back in 2008, I was in a marriage swirl (translation: all I thought about was getting married.) and I can't remember if it was my mom that suggested it or if I just decided but Esther became my go to book. Now the marriage swirls come and go but the theme of honoring those in authority over me still jumps out each time I go back to study the life of Esther. Back then, I was 20 years old and was living with my parents as a young adult who had already been out on her own. I still did as they asked but my heart posture was often not one of respect towards them. As Jesus continued to reveal the rebellion in my heart and set my heart on the path of the 5th commandment, I was struck by how little my generation honours those in authority over us.

OBEYING OUR PARENTS AND HONOURING THEIR AUTHORITY OVER US DOES NOT HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE.


I can't tell you how many young people that I know and admire have this skewed perspective of, "Well, I'm 18 so I can make my own decision." Yes, legally you have the ability to do many things when you turn 18 but it doesn't make you immune to one of the 10 commandments. This is pride.

I am writing this blog because God has spent the last 4 years digging this lie out of my heart and showing me how wrong it is to think that listening to my parents end the night before my 18th birthday.  This was a rough journey because I am a prideful person. I was excited that I was an adult and I didn't have to follow all the household rules anymore. I was convinced that permission was not needed from my parents. And in some instances, it wasn't. I was a responsible adult who was capable of making my own decisions. Honouring my parents for all the years they spoke into my life, however, didn't always come into the decision making equation.

What if my generation began honouring those in authority over us. Not just doing what they say but really truly setting our hearts to serve them and respect them simply because they are in authority over us. That doesn't mean that everything they say is right or that everything they do is perfect or that they'll never hurt you (intentionally or unintentionally, people hurt others.) but God doesn't say, "Find a perfect boss/pastor/teacher and then honour their authority over your life." We're all broken but God puts those He wants in authority over others in their positions and we have to make the decision to respect them.

In our day and age, simply obeying your parents as a minor in their home is not found in many families. They show rebellion as being cool in movies and TV shows, they make it okay to lie to parents and be deceptive. They portray those in authority as stupid and unworthy of our respect. This is not okay with me. 


Shifting back to Esther; She honoured Mordecai who adopted her. That's a pretty straight-up guy. As far as I know, he didn't have a wife and they didn't have any other family around. They might have but they weren't written about so I don't technically know. A single man, raising a girl has to be challenging and I'm sure Morgecai did not get it all right. Yes, Esther honoured him in his house and out of his house because he was in authority over her.
Esther also honoured and respected Hegai, the head over the harem. Let's be honest, eunichs are not normal people. It's not their own fault, I know, but what would it be like to be taken into this harem with who knows how many other girls that are all beautiful and virgins and all wanting to be the queen of Persia and be placed under the authority of... an "it"? But somehow, in the midst of all the drama and cat-fights (we all know it happened), Esther caught that eunich's eye and he snatched her up and set her on the fast track to being the next queen of the biggest kingdom of the world.
Maybe it was because she said thank you.
Maybe she didn't sass back.
Maybe her actions spoke louder than her words.

I don't know about you, but I want to be the kind of girl that turns the head of a king who could have any young woman in the world. I want to be the kind of girl that sets my heart to honour those God puts in authority over me and is admired by everyone who sees me. Do you know someone who is admired by every person that sees them? It's a stunning thing and it's usually because that person has set their heart to be humble and serve those around them. It's so easy to love a person that comes up under you and says, "I'll go low so that you can go higher." What if we did that for our parents? Even when we don't agree with them. I want to be the kind of girl that is a nobody and becomes a girl that saves a nation because everyone who saw her was impressed.

Love,
Me

[Most of you might be thinking that with this much interest in the story of Esther I must love the movie, "A night with the king." This is a false and totally unrelated topic. I actually didn't like the movie very much at all.]

(Who I am sure is very cute and plays guitar.)

Dear Blogging Audience,

Last night in my maiden post (Oh geesh, did I really just type that?) I talked about consecration and how God has shown me how beautiful it really is. I meant every single word that I wrote, make no mistake, but I am going to write another entry today that is all about, well, being NOT consecrated.
[Technically, there are more things to be consecrated from than just relationships with the opposite gender but for the sake of simplicity, I'll just leave it at that. I'm sure there will be a blog about it later.] 


I want to be married.

Mmhmm. Yup. There you have it, flat out, no beating around the bush or watering down the truth. I have wanted to be married for quite some time now. Probably about 20 years or so since when I first started making my barbies get hitched and pop out babies. It's what my mom did and it's what my sister-in-law did and it's what my little sister is in the middle of doing and it's what I want to do. Call it a family thing, but I can't wait to be a wife and a mother. (Chill, I don't take these responsibilities lightly, I know they are hardcore.)
As you know from the previous entry, God has been hiding me and there have been no eligible young bachelors coming around to ask my dad for my fair hand in marriage. This has been so critical to my heart as I learned how to surrender and ask God for His heart for my husband and even myself as a wife. Over the past few months I have felt things change as I pray. I have no idea who or when or where or how but I do know that God is gently guiding me to the place where the upstanding young man will run into me (hopefully not literally but hey, whatever it takes.) and that it's going to be at just the right time. My impatient little heart is begging, "God, make it soon! I might explode if I have to wait 3 more years!" but at the same time there's this peaceful little whisper in my heart that is overriding all the selfish desires for it to happen NOW. God has been so faithful to keep me steady in keeping my gaze on Him.
One thing that God used to encourage me in this time of waiting was a picture. The scene was of me dancing with God, my eyes focused on Him and completely undistracted (Oh great, is that not a word?) by life around me. God, however, wasn't looking at me. He was looking over my shoulder at a young man (who I am sure is very cute and plays guitar) with a twinkle in His eye. Now, God didn't say anything, but the look on His face said something along the lines of, "Yes, she's beautiful. Are you going to cut in or what?" That young man (who I am sure is very cute and plays guitar) was simply standing on the sidelines of the dance floor staring, no, gawking at me dancing with God. And God was waiting for the young man (who I am sure is very cute and plays guitar) to step up and ask to cut in.
This picture doesn't mean that when I get a boyfriend and eventually a husband that I won't be able to love God and continue "dancing" with Him, but it showed me that right now the most important thing is keeping my eyes and my heart focused on God. Why? Because that's how the upstanding young man in the picture (who I am sure is very cute and plays guitar.) is going to fall in love with me.

So that is what I've set my heart to do in this season. I know that there is grace to continue on in this consecration until God convinces the young man on the sidelines (who I am sure is very cute and plays guitar) to come and ask to cut in. Whenever that may be.

Love,
Me