The Shirt I Wear Inside Out

Hello long-lost Blogging audience,

Tonight I can't sleep and I started writing this blog in my head so I decided to come back from the blogging world dead and write it out for people to actually read.

A few summers ago, I got a hand-me down shirt from a dear friend. I liked that it was black, I needed a black t-shirt. It was super comfy. It fit me well which is always a win so I decided to keep it. The only thing was that it proudly read across the front, "Everything boys do, girls can do better." At least, I think that's what it says. I don't agree with that on a couple different levels, the first one being that it's prideful to boast and I don't need any help being proud. My mom fixed my problem by suggesting I keep the shirt but wear it inside out. I can't remember exactly what the shirt says it has been so long since I saw it right side out.
Why am I writing about this tonight?
Tonight was the world premier of the Disney Channel Original movie, "The Teen Beach Movie." One of the lines that was said several times through out the movie by the main girl was, "Girls can do anything boys can." Now, in her case she was talking about surfing in the 1960's, but every time they said it I cringed because that's a message that has been shouted at girls since before I was born and it's a lie.
Before you think I don't believe woman can do anything except stay in the kitchen and have babies and  that they shouldn't work outside the home or be pastors or leaders in any way, please know that that's not true. Believe me, I grew up with someone close to me believing that and it hindered me a lot until I realized he was wrong. Yes, women can have jobs and work along side men but not simply because they want to be better than men. If God wanted us all to be like men, or better than men, He would have made us all men. There would be no women. He had the chance to keep the entire population of the world made up of males who were made in His image. But something was missing, so He made women after His own image. Together, we create something good. Men and women.
I understand that we get hurt by men. We get shoved down, talked down, put down and looked down on and that's not right. But we need men in this world. Not to be better than them, but to work along side of them. And the best thing is, men are great at certain things and women are great at others. It takes a very special kind of man to handle a screaming baby. But hand him to a woman, there's a natural instinct to mother and nurture the little one. Then there comes a day when that baby is older and the voice of a father speaking life, destiny, direction and encouragement will make all the difference in whether that boy finishes high school or that little girl keeps her virginity.

We need fathers. We need husbands. We need sons. And we need to know that together we made something that was "not good" into something that was good. That good thing happens when men are confident in who they are as men made in the image of God and women are confident of who they are as women made in the image of God.
Part of being a woman who is confident is knowing her worth. She knows she's worth more than being with a guy who constantly disrespects her or only uses her as an object. She knows she can accept the honor and attention of a man graciously and respond in purity. She knows she can work hard and work long and lay herself down for the good of others without losing who she is or giving up the dreams God has put into her heart. She carries the fragile yet strong feminine heart and blesses the men in her life for carrying inside of them the brave yet tender masculine heart, both made in the image of God.

And that's why I wear my shirt inside out.
Love,
Me

Pregnant Teenagers.

Dear Blog Audience,

I happened to find a Lifetime movie on youtube Wednesday night while I was babysitting and passing time while the kids were asleep. It was called, "The Pregnancy Pact" and it was based on these teenage girls in high school that all promised to get pregnant with their friend. It was hard to watch because of the whole abstinence vs. let's just give them birth control and the "they're going to do it anyways, let's just try to keep babies from coming from this." type of stance. I know this is the mind set of most of the western world. I was very glad that abortion was not a main message in the film. But what I got out of it (besides an overwhelming desire to be a mother again) was the loneliness all of those teenagers had. All the emptiness and constant striving to fill those deep wells within us that cry to be filled. All four of those girls wanted to have babies because, I believe, they thought that being a mom would fulfill them. So far, they had come up empty from each endeavor to fill their hearts. No boy or family or school or friend or party or experience had filled them. But a baby.... A baby loves unconditionally! A baby wouldn't care if they finished school or not! A baby would be the perfect thing to fill their empty holes.

The movie showed one girl struggling to take care of her baby. The main character, however, seemed to turn into a wonderful mom but she realized the weight of her actions when she caused her family humiliation and lost her boyfriend, the father of her baby. There was so much drama. So many hurt people hurting other people who tried to fix the problems but just ended up hurting even more.

At first I was like, "My goodness, American teenagers are so messed up these days!" But then I realized, I had had those same aches and longings and loneliness. I can't tell you how many times as a teenager and even as a young adult I tried to fill the void with entertainment, guys, friends, circumstances, fantasies etc. The only difference between me and those four girls is that Jesus hedged me in and protected me. He gave me parents that gave me boundaries and friends that also embraced purity. For me, I wasn't surrounded by people who were "doing it", I was in a group of friends that all joined the, "I'm waiting for wild, passionate, awkward, honey-moon sex" group on facebook. If not for those factors, I am very certain that I, too, could have been a teenage mother who was still just as empty and still just as hurting as she had been before she had her baby.

I got done watching it and as I thought about how it made me feel I just started thanking God for His mercy that led me to a place in my life where I consciously realized that Jesus really does satisfy and that He WAS satisfying my heart. No husband, child, house, country, friend, job, title or amount of money can ever match this feeling of confidence that I have in my Father to fill these deep wells inside of my heart. Even as a Christian teenager, I was empty because I was looking for something to fill me that had nothing in and of itself to give me. Only when I went to the Source of all things, did I find what I needed. Unless you find that Fountain of Living Water, you'll always get thirsty again.

If you guys are wondering where watching movies on youtube fit into my movie fast.... they don't. And I've been realizing how I've been feeding my flesh more. It's not that I have to give up movies. I really really really want to! I want to spend this year undistracted by the entertainment of this world. I really desire that. However, I'm realizing I need more grace. I'm willing to struggle through this because in the end, it's going to be worth it.

Love,
Me

Dear Little Sisters....

Dear Little Sisters,

This post is especially for you. Why? Well, I love you. All of you. And I see part of me inside of you and I want to be the one that helps you avoid some of the most confusing things I had to go through when I was your age. Your heart is so precious and your innocence is priceless. I want to help you guard and protect them and push you higher than I am right now. Because that's what big sisters are for. 

First of all- You're beautiful. You can wear old gramma sweaters and bright purple snow pants for the rest of your life with a poodle perm and still be gorgeous. You could never touch another tube of lipstick or put on mascara again and still be attractive. Yes, part of your beauty is on the outside but honestly, it's the light inside of you that is shining so brightly that makes you stunning. Your eyes glow and your smile lights up your whole face because you're confident in the love that created the whole world. You know you have the most beautiful Man that is going to come for you and be with you forever at the end of time. And when that day comes it's not going to matter how many times you straightened your hair or wore cute dresses, it will matter if you went into your secret place and poured your love out on this Man and received His love back. When you do that, you can't help but look more beautiful on the outside because of the way you hold yourself. You have that child-like faith to fills you with so much joy. So much peace. Those things on the inside can be so obvious on the outside that people stop and stare and wonder what on earth you have. You're beautiful! I love seeing you all dressed up and taking care of what you look like on the outside because we're special and dressing with the mindset that we are important to God is a wonderful and right thing. But it's what I see coming from the inside that makes me burst with pride. I see you walking with your head held high with or without a boyfriend, with or without the latest style of shoes and clothes, with or without a wonderful family life back home, with or without the perfect this or that. You've learned that those things don't make you or if you're not there yet, you're learning. You're more than all of those things and they don't have to be what defines you. You lay down those things and listen to what all of heaven is saying about you. What God is saying about you. Even on the days when the perfect guy walks right past you after getting all dressed up and you feel like crap, even on the days when you have a fight with both of your parents, you sister and you kick your dog and you feel so angry, even on the days when people say things about you just to tear you down and you feel like the least important person in the world. Guess what.... You're His favorite one. Those times when things don't go your way He's still saying, "You are precious to me. Let me restore your heart. Let me love you." Those days are so hard! But when we take those times and run into the arms of Perfect Love, we come out even stronger. We'll find that little by little, as we grow up, there will be situations that used to frustrate or hurt us that don't anymore, because we've found an unshakable identity in the Jesus Christ, the Son of God. All the men in the world can never give us that type of security and no person, place or thing in the world could satisfy our hearts like Jesus. When that becomes your reality, you're whole world changes.
Secondly- You are strong. So strong. Don't believe me? Look at yourself. You are a beautiful, pure, full of life creation in a dying, perverse and ugly world. And you're still alive. You still believe in Love and you know that there are good plans for you. Only those that are strong can get to be your age and still believe that purity and holiness is better than pleasures of this world. There is a humility that comes with being truly strong because you know your strength is not your own. It belongs to the One who saved you from sin and death. You rest in the assurance that you can call upon that strength that is immeasurable. The same power that raised Christ from the dead is inside of you simply because of God's great love for you. (don't believe me? Read Eph. 1:17-2:10.) How humbling! How awesome! How contrary to the world's perspective to know that even when we are weak, we are strong because we have a power source that never diminishes. Ever. You show strength when you choose to walk away from temptations. You show strength when you choose to love the annoying, immature person that everyone makes fun of. You show strength when you choose the man of your dreams based on what is inside of him, not what is outside. You show strength when you dress with modesty because that's not what the world is telling you to do. You may be the only one with her body covered but you will also be the only one that guys will actually respect and want to pursue a REAL relationship with. (Unless of course you don't know any real men. Then they'll just all be scared of you because you show them that they aren't men and they're not as cool as they thought they were. If this is the case, DO NOT SETTLE!)  You show strength when you choose to live the lifestyle Jesus calls us to in the Sermon on the Mount. Fasting. Giving. Blessing our enemies. Praying. Serving. Those things take strength! Being humble takes strength! Choosing Jesus every day takes strength yet here you are, so beautiful and strong. I'm so proud to call you my little sisters. Really. 
Thirdly- You are a treasure. A jewel. Something hidden away in Jesus until the right person catches a glimpse of it or hears a rumor about it and says, "Yes! I want my life goal to be searching for this treasure and loving this treasure and having this treasure as my very own to protect and take care of." There are going to be really rough days ahead of you. For real. But this journey of waiting is one of the most precious things you can ever give that man you will one day marry. I can't wait for the day that I get to see you in your white dress, gazing up into the eyes of true love without a single regret. We'll never have a journey that is perfect, we'll all stumble at times but the whole point is to get back up, clinging to your purity and your dignity and saying, "I set my heart to wait. Again. Today. And every day until I am pursued and someone captures my heart." Right now, I am sure I'll love whoever you pick but in case someone tells you  something different or some very awful thing happens and you are stupid for a moment, these are some guidelines that I've learned in my waiting years:

1)If this man does not love and respect your family, and especially your parents, he is so not the one. 2)If this man does not love push you and challenge you spiritually to become a better person and love Jesus and others more, he is not the one.3)If this man manipulates you to get what he wants, HE IS NOT THE ONE!4)If this man does not treat you like a treasure because he's so full of himself, he's definitely not the one.5)If this man makes you do all the communicating and work in the relationship, he's not the one.6)If this man does not respect your time, he is not the one.7)If this man does not have the same heart for orphans or the nations or family or whatever your dream is that you have, he is obviously not the one.8)If this man cannot get off his butt and get a job or show responsibility, he is not the one.9)If this man is not willing to face real life but hides away from problems, he is not the one.10)If this man is disrespectful to others, he is very much not the one.

I know some of those are very obvious but really, when you're having a lonely day and someone comes up, says the right things and makes you feel better, you can close your eyes to a lot of important things. Sometimes those guys need to grow up and in a few years they'll be wonderful young men. But sometimes they don't and the last thing you need to do is wait around for a guy that may or may not become worth the wait. Take your single years to pray for God's heart for you. If you don't love yourself, you're not going to wait for someone who loves your (truly) either. When you realize the wonderfulness that is YOU that God really does love and adore and has good plans for, you'll think, "Why settle for this guy that doesn't even want to work? Why settle for that guy that doesn't listen to me when I talk? I'm worth pursuing. I'm worth being taken care of by a husband. I'm worth having a man who listens to me." I want you to get that truth inside of you. I just told you how beautiful and strong you are, but take those things and listen to what God is saying about you. He's so happy to talk to you about you because He loves you! And it's in His heart to give you a husband that will really love you as Christ loves the church. I pray that you all find husbands that you respect more than anyone else in the world (except for maybe your parents...) and that you trust so much you submit to their God given leadership over you. I pray that you'll be pursued by men who will set physical boundaries so high because he knows how precious you are and how weak human flesh is. That they won't be pushing you to lower them, but calling you to even higher expressions of purity. Let us be women that treat our male friends with respect by not flirting with them or dressing immodestly around them or talking about things that are inappropriate to talk about with guys. We don't have to play dumb and think that things don't affect them because they don't show it. We can be wise and love them well with our purity and one day, a man of God will see you doing that and think, "I want a wife that will act like that. I want her." 

Life has a way of not turning out the way we thought it would. It has a way of knocking us down harder than we were expecting and rubbing us in the dirt so we feel more shame than we ever knew was humanly possible. But the wonderful thing is that God uses brokenness to sometimes teach the most important lessons in life. Never underestimate the amount of influence you have one someone's life. You will be a big sister too one day and realize how many little eyes are watching you. You guys have pushed me to reach for Jesus so many times and I have reached this point because I knew that you were looking to me to be an example. I know I haven't been perfect but I do love you and I pray for you to know just how strong and beautiful of a treasure you truly are. 
Love,
Your big sister

Valentine's day prayer

Dear Blog Audience,

After my lovely example of raw Baylea emotions, I'm sure you're ready for something that actually edifies you. I guess the main subject these days is Valentine's day. I could write about that but I really don't have much experience with how to have a great Valentine's day. I'm usually pretty happy on Valentine's day. I always think about my husband [the one that I'm not married to yet] and I always pray,

"God, let this be the last Valentine's day that I am single." 

Looks like I'll be praying that prayer again this too. Honestly though, I'm not that upset about it. How can I be? If I don't have that person, it's obviously not time yet and God's timing is WAY more important than having a date on Valentine's day. Even if I have to pray that prayer for 50 years in a a row [Oh Lord, have mercy], I will always pray, "God, YOUR timing." and mean it. I've seen relationships start in the wrong timing. It sucks! I don't want that! I want a relationship, a man that will eventually be my best friend, but I don't want that premature relationship that cripples you because things seem so right and so wrong at the same time. Everybody gets hurt, nobody knows how to really fix the problem, your parents say one thing, the other person says another and you want to do what both parties are telling you to do but you can't because they are exact opposite. Sometimes you stay with the person and feel like you can never really be yourself or you break it off and you feel like you can never really be yourself. I. Do. Not. Want. That.
HOWEVER! One day, I'll have that best man in the world that gives me an amazing Valentine's day and I can write him a love letter and dress cute and hold his hand and glow with happiness. I want that. And then we'll have some kids and Valentine's day will probably look like us in our sweat pants eating frozen burritos on the couch while the kids watch Veggie Tales. I want that too. Because my husband will be with me and I'll know that he loves me in so many other ways that getting dressed up for a date. There will be love letters and cute clothes but there will also be a deeper knowledge of love and each other. Maybe his main love language won't be quality time, maybe his highest love language is acts of service and the way I can most bless him is by doing something for him. He'll know that I'm not a big chocolate lover [I go through moods] and realize that a box of cookies is my love language. Our marriage won't stay at the level it will be on the day we get married, just like our bodies won't stay in the same shape. I hope that 20 years from now my husband and I can look at our wedding pictures and think, "Wow, we were so good looking back then but we didn't know a thing about love." and be glad that we know more about love even if our bodies don't look quite so young.
I suppose I should stop writing about my husband so people don't get confused. Or maybe I'll just explain. One day, I will be married. This man is a real person and one day I will stand before him and vow to be his wife. With this mind set, I have decided to set my heart on this nameless young man and not pretend like he doesn't exist. That's why I often refer to the man without a name as my husband already to remind myself that my wait is not in vain. It's for a real person.
That all being said, I don't have any big plans for Valentine's day this year. I'm sure my heart will play tug of war between being satisfied in Christ and that persistent feeling that has plagued me for years of wanting to know this beautiful thing people call being in a relationship. And I will pray that it is my last Valentine's day that I ever spend as a single girl. Not because I'm miserable, but because I know that there's a handsome young man that fits the description in my heart of the man of my dreams out there. Maybe he's praying that this is the last Valentine's day he's single too...

Love,
Me

The sting of consecration

Dear Blog Audience,

Today was the first day of the spring 2012 semester at IHOPU [International House Of Prayer University]. It was the first day of no facebook and the first day that my blog got zero traffic. Not gonna lie, it stings to have over 200 views within the first four days and then boom, nothing. Just cause I'm not spamming everyone on facebook.

As I checked my stats to see who had been busy reading my heart-felt words while I was at school, I was disappointed to see that the answer was no one and I immediately thought, "Maybe it's stupid to give up facebook." I was so certain about my decision to turn off my facebook just a few moments ago. I'm so easily swayed by my emotions! [Lord, help me stay steady in what You've called me to do.]

Some of you may be thinking, "Why in the world did you give up facebook anyways?" Well, the answer is simple: I don't want to cheat myself out of anything that I might get out of this semester at school by being distracted by my social networks. Last fall at the beginning of the semester I was issued a challenge by the Holy Spirit asking me, "How deep will you go this semester?" And I realized that the depths to which I reach for and set my heart on in the semester is how much God can answer back and take me into. That's when my consecration began to be about more than just being single. It began being about my eyes, my ears, my free time, my mouth, my lifestyle... 

Right now the consecration doesn't feel so beautiful. But I still choose it. Yes, I know it looks like foolishness to the world but God has met me so powerfully in my season of abandon that I can't go back. When you taste something better than what you used to eat, you don't usually go back to that old food again, you stick with the new food. When you see something that is more beautiful than what you are used to seeing, the old things don't thrill you anymore. You just want one more glimpse of that beauty. It's all you think about. It's all you picture in your head. You tell everyone about this thing of beauty that has captured your attention and is so much more beautiful than anything you have ever seen before. That's how this season of seeking and finding God has been for me. I've tasted and I've seen and only Jesus can satisfy the heart inside of my chest.

One of my favorite songs to listen to is called "Worth it All" by Rita Springer. I listen to this song over and over and over and over and over... just ask my family. They know my routine- I get stuck on a song and I listen to it literally hundreds of times for weeks and weeks until I move on to my next song They are such patient people :) But this song has marked my heart. I believe with everything inside of me that me setting aside the things of this world will be so worth it at the end when I get to see the beautiful face of Jesus. It won't matter that no one looked at my blog today because instead of spending two hours on facebook, I loved my family. I won't remember being disappointed on the first day of school because no one read my posts, I'll remember that I sought the face of the Lord and He reached down and touched my heart. I believe that these little things that I say no to now will push me deeper into the infinite heart of God. There's not a doubt in my mind that having a facebook or watching movies or listening to secular music or surfing on the internet would keep me from experiencing all that God has in His heart to give me in this season.

Therefore, the lack of readers on my site = worth it. 

And that's why I am consecrated. Even when it stings.
Love,
Me

And sometimes, it really IS all in my head...

Hello blog audience,

I finally have three people following me!! I'm just a little excited. I have over 900 friends on facebook so I'm excited for this time of "small beginnings."

The topic of today's blog will be something that has been the topic of many of my mother's speeches: purity. 
The last thing I want to do in this blog is say, "My way is the right way and you guys are all going to regret it if you don't do what I do!" Un-uh. No sirree. I'm writing this because purity has become something that I value and treasure so much and I want to share a little bit of my journey in that area. Enough disclaimers, I trust you guys to know that I'm as weak and broken as the rest of the human race.

A friend told me a few months ago, "You know, we're signs and wonders to our generation because we're still virgins, happily single and living in purity. The majority of our generation can't say that." This is true because of the grace of God and His faithfulness to hem me in and guard my heart even when I didn't want to.

I don't remember how old I was when my mother first gave me "The purity talk" but I do remember I agreed with her. Praise God He gave me enough revelation to know that shallow church camp hook ups did more harm than good and that the girls that chased after the boys didn't really seem satisfied by the attention. So, at the ripe old age of 11, I developed my first serious crush. It wasn't the first boy that I had thought was cute (I'm pretty sure I thought all of my older brother's friends were cute when I was little) but this guy actually was nice to me. I was shy and awkward and extremely tiny, but this boy didn't look at me like I was a homeschooled freak, he looked at me like I was a friend. My heart couldn't ignore that. That was the beginning of a 3 year crush [I was serious 'bout that gangly little pre-adolescent boy] that I eventually got over and refused to allow my heart to go back to it. One of the reasons was because my best friend started liking the same guy and she was positive that he liked her. For the sake of preserving my heart, I let it go and thought, "I'm 14 now. I don't need these stupid immature crushes anymore."
My intentions were noble and if I could go back in time as a 23 year old, I would give myself a hug and then sit my little self down and say, "Okay, girl, we gotta talk because you want to do this whole purity thing, but it's going to take a lot more than just saying no. You need to understand your heart." I didn't know as a 14 year old why I was so attracted to boys, why I wanted them to notice me, why I was willing to do things that my heart despised [flirting] for the sake of attention. I didn't know the way that God had so carefully and wonderfully put me together with that desire deep on the inside to be pursued.  I thought I was malfunctioning with all the feelings inside of me longing to be in a relationship when really I was just being a woman. The commitments I had made to live in purity as a 14 year old girl when my parents gave me my first purity ring (it later broke and they had to buy me a new one) didn't just cover my actions, they covered my thoughts and my heart as well, This coupled with the fact that I did like boys and was attracted to them even when I tried so hard to "crush the crush" caused a lot of tension in my young teenage years.
When I was 15, I met one of the most upstanding teenage boys I have encountered in my life and bam, I was hopelessly attracted to him. I used to cry and pray that God would take those feelings and turn them into feelings for God because I didn't want to like this boy but, dad gum-it, I really liked him! These feelings also lasted for years (with a few interruptions.) and eventually I had to decide I wasn't being a bad person by being attracted to the young man. I had to come to terms with the fact that there was nothing wrong with thinking a good-looking boy was good-looking or realizing that an amazing boy is amazing. I could have liked many a more stupid person but I didn't and I had to realize that God wasn't mad at me for being attracted to a young man that looked a lot like the man I had been dreaming of since I was a little girl. In realizing that, however, I still had to choose to keep my thoughts and my heart pure and continue to give up my feelings for that young man unless God gave him to me as my husband. Seeing as he is now engaged and I'm still single, I'm sure you can put two and two together.
I am so grateful for those times of surrender to the Lord. I am so grateful I didn't just let myself go wild and attach myself to him even more than I did. Yes, I did like him and there were times when I was not pure in my thoughts and intentions toward him but those times were always followed by a recommitting of my heart to purity and waiting faithfully for my future husband.

Things got more complicated as I grew up (can I get an amen?). I began to swallow the lie that having crushes were okay. My deep-seated conviction of knowing that crushing  on someone was lust got booted out of the way because my selfish sinful desires wanted to be placated. I wanted to be like the other girls. I didn't want to be the party pooper at the slumber party who said, "Guys, this is a serious sin." It's not a harmless girl thing. We, as women, need to honour men as brothers and the husband of someone else. If I were to walk into a room of people talking about how my husband did this and that and he said blah blah blah and he was so hot and they wanted to be with him, I would not be impressed. In fact, I would probably get angry and start freaking out on them all. Yet I did it so many times about all sorts of boys. No, they weren't married then but some of them are now and some of them will be later but none of them will be married to me. One day I'll have to stand before God and answer for all the times I dishonoured young men in the way that I spoke about them. What will my excuse be?
When I was around 17 and 18 years old I began praying, "God, I want my emotions and my thoughts and my heart to be a pure as my wedding dress symbolizes on the day of my marriage." I didn't want to just get to the alter and say, "Hey, I'm so awesome, I didn't kiss anybody or cross the line or lose any part of my purity!" but on the inside I had lusted after hundreds of men, including the man I was going to marry. To me, that's not purity. Physical purity is important, of course, that's why I have guarded it so jealously these last 23 years of my life. But being emotionally pure is just as important, if not more so. Sometimes I dislike the fact the my imagination is so good because I can make up a story line that involves me marrying any guy I choose in my head. Then I realized that doing that now, as a single girl, will make it easier for me to do that later, as a married woman. How could I look my husband in the eye and say, "Well, in my head I married three people, just because I wanted to know what it would be like." Heck. No. 


Emotional purity is tough. I've read books and the bible and prayed and had accountability and it's still tricky. But I've set my heart on it and it's so much easier now to say no to fantasizing about that upstanding young man that looks a lot like the man I've been dreaming of since I was a little girl. I know how important it will be to me to know that my future husband committed to not lusting after other girls while he is single. I want to do the same as I pray for him to wait for me. It's a choice and it's not the easy one but it is one that God will see and honour.

Love,
Me