Thoughts spilling over

Dear Blogging Audience,

I'm not sure what thoughts will spill out onto this blog today, but I do know that right now, my heart feels very tender for many reasons.

In small group today, we all cried because one of us began sharing her heart and laid her struggles out before us. Her words of feeling like the wait for breakthrough would never end echoed in my own heart and I felt her pain. I'm still waiting for healing. I'm still waiting for the wrong things in my body to be made right. I'm still waiting for the day when I can testify that Jesus is greater than any sickness or disease. But beyond what she said, it was how she said it that made more sense. Her raw emotions and real feelings stirred me. I long for that expression of honest emotion in my own life in every season. Joy, strength, love, tears, brokenness, leaning... I want to be honest with how I feel and feel emotions.

The last couple weeks have been strange for me. I feel so close to God and yet I feel like everywhere I turn, someone is telling me this that or the other thing that I have to do, think or feel to really know Jesus. I've learned awesome things through it but at the same time I have to remember that when it comes to the end of the day, Jesus loves me no matter what I do or say. After one such talk with someone about "XYZ", I left the conversation thinking, "This is good, this is true, but... Just because I didn't know this before doesn't mean that I wasn't really a Christian. I still loved Jesus. I still had fellowship with the Holy Spirit. I was still loved and desired by God."
This is something I've had to remember a lot in the last few weeks. My heart has been wrestling with things because I really want to know truth. I really want to have more knowledge of Jesus and grow in my walk with Him. But at the same time, He's looking at my heart, not my head knowledge. It's the sincerity in my heart that matters to Him, not my maturity. Maturity comes with time and seasons and my current season is bringing maturity. But it's also making me cling to the truth that God delights in my journey, not just the end result of me knowing blah blah blah. He's so involved with every bit of truth I process, He sees my wrestling and hears my prayers for right understanding and He is answering those prayers. The posture of my heart is what He's looking at. Am I holding my heart with humility and desiring to know more about Him? When all this comes to an end, I'm sure I'll look back and see how every bit of knowledge I tried to retain shaping me to become more like Jesus. Every time I pray, "God, I don't understand but I really want to!", He's opening up my eyes to see better. After following Jesus for 23 years, it's a bit rough trying to add new things or shifting your interpretation of things to make room for the new stuff. I feel thrown off and I find myself sometimes trying to work the new things into formulas so I don't forget them. They're all so foreign to me yet I know they are truth.

Maybe that's why small group was so amazing today, because there was a realness and something that I could finally relate to without trying to figure it out. I know brokenness. I know waiting. I know tears. I may not fully understand what the gospel of Repentance means enough to regurgitate it or all the scriptures about the Holy Spirit, but I know that in my life, I have been broken and now I'm whole. My heart has been shattered, and it is now filled with joy. I have cried and struggled to break out of depression and now I walk in freedom. This is real for me. This is Jesus for me. My perfect shepherd, my comforter, my redeemer and my healer. Never once do I have to sit back and think, "Hmmm, let me see what this feels like for a few days." No. I already know because I've been through it and have come out on the other side and seen the goodness of the Lord! He is faithful! He is kind! He is gentle! His loving kindness never ends and His faithfulness reaches to the sky. Watching my friend cry and bare her soul was so refreshing because it reminded me of the time when I cried and bared my soul and met God there. And how I've continued to walk with the reality of who God is every day since then.

Eventually, the other things will become more than head knowledge and I'll have the deep seated conviction about them just like the people who told me about it all were. I could hear conviction in their words and I know that as I look to Jesus for revelation, that conviction will come to me too. But I don't have to make it happen. I have a journey and God loves it! He loves the freedom I am finding and is guiding me gently through each day, showing me little by little, more of who He is. I love that about Jesus.

Love,
Me

Best Friend. All of them.

Dear Blogging audience,

I'm writing this post with one of the best people in the world next to me. This is the girl that I said goodbye to last the night before I left Morocco. We cried as we clung to each other and tried to make the moment last forever. We both knew that as soon as we let go, she was going to leave and I wasn't going to see her again for... a very long time. After we got to America, I replayed the hug over and over, trying to squeeze any type of comfort out of the memory. After a few months, I gave up because those arms that had held me so tightly the night we said goodbye were so far away and I couldn't feel them. I remember my last Sunday before we left for America she wasn't there. She had been gone all week and had been gone the day I found out we had to leave. I wanted to hug her so bad. To talk to her. After church I went to youth group and had to leave in the middle to see someone else. When I went back at the end to get my little brother, she opened the door and I literally fell into her arms because I was so surprised and relieved to see her.
It was almost two years to the day when we finally saw each other again. She was road tripping with some friends and they were on their way to visit someone else and were going to drop her off on the way. We'd known about this weekend for weeks but I had refused to let myself get excited because the crushing weight of unfulfilled plans was too much to go through. Again. This time, however, it was going to happen. She had texted, "fifteen minutes!!!!!!!!" and my stomach was twisting with anticipation. I was watching out the window for the head lights, looking at my phone every two seconds to see if she had texted, my heart jumping with excitement. Then there was a car. It slowed down. Oh my goodness, it was her. I opened the front door and looked out but I couldn't see who was driving because it was night and the headlights were still on. Then, the driver's door opened and the driver stepped out and I knew it was her. I shrieked, ran out into the drive way and met her half way as she was running towards me. We hugged as tightly as we could and two seconds into it, her shoulders were shaking and there was a lump in my throat. This time there was no impending goodbye but we didn't want this hug to end either.  The longer we hugged the tighter we squeezed, trying to get as close as we could and fill up the places that had been empty for what seemed like had been eternity while we were apart. They were the same arms, the same shoulders, the same girl... Finally, the wait was over.
We let go of each other and laughed, tears in our eyes but our hearts were literally flying. I didn't realize my legs were shaking until I got her inside with her bags and her friends had left. She was mine for 2 days and 4 nights. Reality became too good to be true and I didn't know how to believe it. On one hand, it was so easy to have her here. It was so natural. Our rhythm was still there for talking late into the night, sharing our hearts, watching children, loving Jesus, laughing....

I tried to explain to my friends here at school how I have two best friends and my two best friends have two best friends and we're like a best friend triangle. Actually, there are more than that. It's like a star of David, all connected with different points. Is that normal? So even with my best friend here, we both missed our best friend. Is it not normal to have to wait for 2 years to get all of my best friends in "one place"? (Praise God for Skype) Is it not normal that even after those two years, we still had that same deepness and trust there? Even after not being able to share our lives regularly, we shared our hearts with the same honesty and laughed at old jokes and new jokes and said, "I miss you!" over and over and over. Is this not normal? This is the definition of best friend for me.
I realized how much my heart ached for those friends to be in my life again, all in the same youth group and just a taxi ride away. Where our every day lives involved all of us and we couldn't wait to talk to each other and tell everyone what had happened because we were family. Now we're all at a point in life where we don't have to share all our stories with each other because we live in 3 different states and three different countries. We are all (with the exception of one) in university with new wonderful friends and new houses that we've never seen and new places that we've never been to and interact with new people that we don't know. Our new friends became our new sources of verbal processing and, this is just me, but I stopped getting on skype and facebook chat because it was too hard to say, "I miss you." for the millionth time and still have no reunion to look forward to. I couldn't handle it. But there were still there in my heart.
Sometimes I miss the freedom I had with those friends to just be myself all the time and not worry about how mature they did or did not think I was. I miss showing up on their door step saying, "I just wanted to talk." and being welcomed in for the rest of the night. I had a tooth brush at my friend's house. I regularly ate supper with my pastor's family without being invited. Whenever one of us was doing something, all the rest of us were asked to join in because life was better with our family of peers. We knew each others fears and weaknesses, our battles and what we loved the most. Of course, we had those that we were closer to than others but it was impossible to say, "I need you more than any of the others." because I needed them all. They all needed everyone else. That's why when people started leaving, we all began to unravel. Just like you can't take one thread out of a sweater without the whole sweater beginning to fall apart, that's how we were. Knit together by life and Jesus. We didn't fully know how blessed we were to have what we had until it started crumbling away in our hands and there was nothing we could do to stop it. Thankfully, the bond is still there. It's just stretched from South Africa to British Columbia with many stops in between.

(later)
So, my best friend just left. You know, the one that was here. I was able to hug her goodbye and know exactly what day I was going to see her again and that day really isn't that far away. But my heart still aches because this weekend I was reminded of something I forced myself to forget- How easy it is to be with my best friend. There were no tears as we hugged, no shaking shoulders or eyes clamped shut against reality. We were smiling. But the second the car drove out of my drive way, there was an emptiness. It wasn't overwhelming like it used to be but it was still there. I was just barely able to comprehend that my best friend was with me when she was whisked away again. I wasn't planning on crying but I did. Suddenly my crammed bedroom felt empty and I thought, "Oh God, do I have to go through this process again?"
This doesn't mean the peace or the joy are gone. I'm not going to go into a tailspin and get depressed about not having my best friends. I have Jesus and He has been so much more than enough. He has also been so kind to bless me with weekends like this one, with people He placed in my life. He loves that I have more best friends than I can count on one hand and that we still feel like a family. He loves fellowship and community and people being together and loving each other. He delights in the fact that I can share my heart with my friends honestly and feel 100% safe. He knows that I have a history with those friends that far outweigh any other friendship I've had before or since. And it's pleasing to Him! There was joy in His heart for me as I talked and laughed and went to school and ate and worshiped with my friend. It blessed Him to know that my heart was absolutely glowing with happiness. Not only did He place these people in my life, He gives me love to love them with and rejoices over me when I get to be with them. What a wonderful God!

Love,
Me

It's not mine.

Dear Blog Audience,

Tonight I did one of the things that I struggle with the most: Wasting my time. Ugh. I hate that feeling of looking at the clock two hours later and realizing I did absolutely nothing of eternal value in those two hours put together except I might have drank water which is good. I guess. But honestly, why do I do it? Why do I feel like it's okay to sit on my backside in front of a computer screen reading things or playing games or searching nothingness? Sometimes it's called "free time." Sometimes it's called "being irresponsible." Either way, I hate wasting time. I love resting. I love being alone. But I hate wasting that time on fleshly desires that do not edify my spirit. Using my free time wisely has been a struggle for years. I've been convicted about it since I was 14 years old and I realized how selfishly I was living. I knew I needed to give that time to Jesus. I knew it. and here I am, 10 years later, still feeling the same conviction and the knot in the pit of my stomach because I did it. Again.
Really?
Yes. Really. I have done so well in so many areas that God has called me to give up. Unhealthy food, movies, facebook, unworshipful music, certain people and behavior... I have my moments but overall, I've done quite well and it's been a wonderful discovery that my flesh will die if I don't feed it. Except there is this one thing that keeps winning its battles with me. Time wasting.
Why do I think it's my time anyways? I'm still breathing air that God gives me and I am alive because God has continued to give me life. Why should I think that just because I've done A, B and C that I can take the next hour to waste? God is still worthy of my praise in that time. 
I sat at my piano and cried tonight because I felt so disconnected. I'd wasted so much time and I felt so foolish. The most important thing in my life is Jesus but I did not act like that today. Today it was my phone, it was some lady's blog that I wanted to read (I don't even know her but she has cute kids. I think that officially labels me as a stalker. A creepy stalker.), it was worrying about my unfavorite class. Today is gone forever and I can't change all the time I let slip past me and that thought makes my heart ache. Literally. There's nothing I dread more than having to go to sleep after a day of losing the time wasting battle. Not because I don't trust God's love for me, but because I wanted to love Jesus with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength and I didn't.
The best thing about days like these is that God still absolutely loves me, desires me and takes care of me. There isn't a single doubt in His heart as He looks at me about whether He loves me or not. He's so committed to me and leading me faithfully on this journey. I don't know what I missed out on today because I didn't steward my time but I do know that tomorrow already has new mercies in it, waiting for me to wake up and fill me with joy. That thought makes me smile.

Love,
Me

Dear Little Sisters....

Dear Little Sisters,

This post is especially for you. Why? Well, I love you. All of you. And I see part of me inside of you and I want to be the one that helps you avoid some of the most confusing things I had to go through when I was your age. Your heart is so precious and your innocence is priceless. I want to help you guard and protect them and push you higher than I am right now. Because that's what big sisters are for. 

First of all- You're beautiful. You can wear old gramma sweaters and bright purple snow pants for the rest of your life with a poodle perm and still be gorgeous. You could never touch another tube of lipstick or put on mascara again and still be attractive. Yes, part of your beauty is on the outside but honestly, it's the light inside of you that is shining so brightly that makes you stunning. Your eyes glow and your smile lights up your whole face because you're confident in the love that created the whole world. You know you have the most beautiful Man that is going to come for you and be with you forever at the end of time. And when that day comes it's not going to matter how many times you straightened your hair or wore cute dresses, it will matter if you went into your secret place and poured your love out on this Man and received His love back. When you do that, you can't help but look more beautiful on the outside because of the way you hold yourself. You have that child-like faith to fills you with so much joy. So much peace. Those things on the inside can be so obvious on the outside that people stop and stare and wonder what on earth you have. You're beautiful! I love seeing you all dressed up and taking care of what you look like on the outside because we're special and dressing with the mindset that we are important to God is a wonderful and right thing. But it's what I see coming from the inside that makes me burst with pride. I see you walking with your head held high with or without a boyfriend, with or without the latest style of shoes and clothes, with or without a wonderful family life back home, with or without the perfect this or that. You've learned that those things don't make you or if you're not there yet, you're learning. You're more than all of those things and they don't have to be what defines you. You lay down those things and listen to what all of heaven is saying about you. What God is saying about you. Even on the days when the perfect guy walks right past you after getting all dressed up and you feel like crap, even on the days when you have a fight with both of your parents, you sister and you kick your dog and you feel so angry, even on the days when people say things about you just to tear you down and you feel like the least important person in the world. Guess what.... You're His favorite one. Those times when things don't go your way He's still saying, "You are precious to me. Let me restore your heart. Let me love you." Those days are so hard! But when we take those times and run into the arms of Perfect Love, we come out even stronger. We'll find that little by little, as we grow up, there will be situations that used to frustrate or hurt us that don't anymore, because we've found an unshakable identity in the Jesus Christ, the Son of God. All the men in the world can never give us that type of security and no person, place or thing in the world could satisfy our hearts like Jesus. When that becomes your reality, you're whole world changes.
Secondly- You are strong. So strong. Don't believe me? Look at yourself. You are a beautiful, pure, full of life creation in a dying, perverse and ugly world. And you're still alive. You still believe in Love and you know that there are good plans for you. Only those that are strong can get to be your age and still believe that purity and holiness is better than pleasures of this world. There is a humility that comes with being truly strong because you know your strength is not your own. It belongs to the One who saved you from sin and death. You rest in the assurance that you can call upon that strength that is immeasurable. The same power that raised Christ from the dead is inside of you simply because of God's great love for you. (don't believe me? Read Eph. 1:17-2:10.) How humbling! How awesome! How contrary to the world's perspective to know that even when we are weak, we are strong because we have a power source that never diminishes. Ever. You show strength when you choose to walk away from temptations. You show strength when you choose to love the annoying, immature person that everyone makes fun of. You show strength when you choose the man of your dreams based on what is inside of him, not what is outside. You show strength when you dress with modesty because that's not what the world is telling you to do. You may be the only one with her body covered but you will also be the only one that guys will actually respect and want to pursue a REAL relationship with. (Unless of course you don't know any real men. Then they'll just all be scared of you because you show them that they aren't men and they're not as cool as they thought they were. If this is the case, DO NOT SETTLE!)  You show strength when you choose to live the lifestyle Jesus calls us to in the Sermon on the Mount. Fasting. Giving. Blessing our enemies. Praying. Serving. Those things take strength! Being humble takes strength! Choosing Jesus every day takes strength yet here you are, so beautiful and strong. I'm so proud to call you my little sisters. Really. 
Thirdly- You are a treasure. A jewel. Something hidden away in Jesus until the right person catches a glimpse of it or hears a rumor about it and says, "Yes! I want my life goal to be searching for this treasure and loving this treasure and having this treasure as my very own to protect and take care of." There are going to be really rough days ahead of you. For real. But this journey of waiting is one of the most precious things you can ever give that man you will one day marry. I can't wait for the day that I get to see you in your white dress, gazing up into the eyes of true love without a single regret. We'll never have a journey that is perfect, we'll all stumble at times but the whole point is to get back up, clinging to your purity and your dignity and saying, "I set my heart to wait. Again. Today. And every day until I am pursued and someone captures my heart." Right now, I am sure I'll love whoever you pick but in case someone tells you  something different or some very awful thing happens and you are stupid for a moment, these are some guidelines that I've learned in my waiting years:

1)If this man does not love and respect your family, and especially your parents, he is so not the one. 2)If this man does not love push you and challenge you spiritually to become a better person and love Jesus and others more, he is not the one.3)If this man manipulates you to get what he wants, HE IS NOT THE ONE!4)If this man does not treat you like a treasure because he's so full of himself, he's definitely not the one.5)If this man makes you do all the communicating and work in the relationship, he's not the one.6)If this man does not respect your time, he is not the one.7)If this man does not have the same heart for orphans or the nations or family or whatever your dream is that you have, he is obviously not the one.8)If this man cannot get off his butt and get a job or show responsibility, he is not the one.9)If this man is not willing to face real life but hides away from problems, he is not the one.10)If this man is disrespectful to others, he is very much not the one.

I know some of those are very obvious but really, when you're having a lonely day and someone comes up, says the right things and makes you feel better, you can close your eyes to a lot of important things. Sometimes those guys need to grow up and in a few years they'll be wonderful young men. But sometimes they don't and the last thing you need to do is wait around for a guy that may or may not become worth the wait. Take your single years to pray for God's heart for you. If you don't love yourself, you're not going to wait for someone who loves your (truly) either. When you realize the wonderfulness that is YOU that God really does love and adore and has good plans for, you'll think, "Why settle for this guy that doesn't even want to work? Why settle for that guy that doesn't listen to me when I talk? I'm worth pursuing. I'm worth being taken care of by a husband. I'm worth having a man who listens to me." I want you to get that truth inside of you. I just told you how beautiful and strong you are, but take those things and listen to what God is saying about you. He's so happy to talk to you about you because He loves you! And it's in His heart to give you a husband that will really love you as Christ loves the church. I pray that you all find husbands that you respect more than anyone else in the world (except for maybe your parents...) and that you trust so much you submit to their God given leadership over you. I pray that you'll be pursued by men who will set physical boundaries so high because he knows how precious you are and how weak human flesh is. That they won't be pushing you to lower them, but calling you to even higher expressions of purity. Let us be women that treat our male friends with respect by not flirting with them or dressing immodestly around them or talking about things that are inappropriate to talk about with guys. We don't have to play dumb and think that things don't affect them because they don't show it. We can be wise and love them well with our purity and one day, a man of God will see you doing that and think, "I want a wife that will act like that. I want her." 

Life has a way of not turning out the way we thought it would. It has a way of knocking us down harder than we were expecting and rubbing us in the dirt so we feel more shame than we ever knew was humanly possible. But the wonderful thing is that God uses brokenness to sometimes teach the most important lessons in life. Never underestimate the amount of influence you have one someone's life. You will be a big sister too one day and realize how many little eyes are watching you. You guys have pushed me to reach for Jesus so many times and I have reached this point because I knew that you were looking to me to be an example. I know I haven't been perfect but I do love you and I pray for you to know just how strong and beautiful of a treasure you truly are. 
Love,
Your big sister

Top 20 list!

I like making lists and to celebrate my 20th blog I'm going to make a list of 

20 things I love about my life right now; single, in school, living at home... ;]

20) My alone time. All of it.
19) I can talk to myself out loud without looking ridiculous.
18) When my 5 yr old brother sneaks into my bed in the middle of the night.
17) That I get to have buddy time with my 14 yr old brother.
16) Hours on the piano
15) Honestly, living at home.
14) Being one of the parking dudes
13) My dad taking care of me.
12) Being an aunty to 5 fabulous boys.
11) Tea dates with my friends.
10) Sitting before the Lord and holding nothing back.
9) Driving at night by myself and telling God how I'm feeling.
8) Taking my brothers with me to my classes.
7) Same 4 songs all night every night.
6) My David brothers. Seriously.
5) Texting my sistie about things only she knows about.
4) The 4 amazing families I babysit for.
3) My hair is getting longer :)
2) Long talks with my mom about what God is doing.
1) Having that wonderful peace on the inside from Jesus, trusting in His heart for me even when things don't look like they're going to work out. 


Love,
Me

And then there was today...

Hi Blog Audience,

Today it is snowing. I like snow. I was born in Minnesota and had a few winters in Northern Wisconsin before I moved to the mountains where our winters always involved getting snowed into our house at some point. so I know what it's like to look out the window from October til March (give or take a month or so) and see white everywhere. After a few months, it gets old. This year has been very mild and it reminds me of my more recent winters where snow was very uncommon. For us we had rain and mud and sometimes a brief amount of time where we had sleet mixed in but my last winter there (2010) I slept with the window in my bedroom open until the middle of December. Not because it was hot, but because the fresh air was wonderful and I could.
What I do NOT like about snow is driving in it. It's scary. Even though I'm a cautious driver, some people are stupid and sometimes really cautious people are caught up in accidents because stupid people don't think and their lack of thought injures all the people around them. I'm not mad at them, I'm just scared of them. I was really hoping to have a snow day because... well, mostly because my body is really stressed out so the pain is reaching a point where I get distracted by it. ("The pain" meaning the Arthritis pain.) I'm used to pain. The normal amount of pain. The email declaring my freedom for the day did not come however so here I am, on the 4th Monday of the school year.
When I started this semester, I had just finished one of the best semesters of my life along with an awesome Christmas break. My spirit was soaring, I was totally optimistic that this semester would look like last semester because my heart was in the same place of pressing deeper into God and giving up the things of this world. Little by little, I'm realizing how different this season will be for me. Last season was fruitful. This new year is starting with a pruning session. I've had a lot of pruning since coming back to America and I didn't understand a lot of it but at least now I know that the pruning means that the last season was fruitful and now the areas in my life that had growth are being cut back and taken care of so that in the coming year, they can grow even bigger and bear even more fruit. (Analogy coming from John 15).
For me the pruning looks like not liking one of my classes, having a lot of pain, realizing for the millionth time that I'm still single and living at home at the age of 23 1/2, feeling how poor I am in spirit and having my buttons pushed by my brothers (remember my other blog post?). I know that I need this pressing and shaking and refining, I don't want to fight it. I also don't want to be scared by it. There is no need for me to be upset by all this because I know that it's my Heavenly Father helping me grow even more and He is gentle with my frail heart and broken frame. I want this just as much as my flesh hates this. This is my journey. I have my heart set on doing and finishing this semester well and ending my single years well (whenever that will be) and in all things rejoicing. Even with a swollen knee, limping down the hall way to a class that I don't enjoy before going back home to a house that belongs to my parents, not to a house of my own with my husband. I will rejoice. I will. Because the joy of the LORD is my strength and by golly, I need a lot of strength right now.
The wonderful thing is that even in the midst of the pruning and the refining, I have joy. I have peace. I have confidence in the love of my Father. Sometimes I have to fight for it. Sometimes I just have to sit and receive it. The Word is hitting deeper than it used to. I don't ever say, "Well hey, this looks like a good time to be pruned.", I do say, "God, whatever You're doing, I surrender into Your hands because I trust Your goodness and Your gentleness." Like David I will say,

You have also given me the shield of Your salvation;
Your right hand has held me up,
Your gentleness has made me great. [Psalm 18:35]

Today my journey is marked by snow and pain and joy. Hopefully tomorrow will be a little less white.
Love,
Me

Valentine's day prayer

Dear Blog Audience,

After my lovely example of raw Baylea emotions, I'm sure you're ready for something that actually edifies you. I guess the main subject these days is Valentine's day. I could write about that but I really don't have much experience with how to have a great Valentine's day. I'm usually pretty happy on Valentine's day. I always think about my husband [the one that I'm not married to yet] and I always pray,

"God, let this be the last Valentine's day that I am single." 

Looks like I'll be praying that prayer again this too. Honestly though, I'm not that upset about it. How can I be? If I don't have that person, it's obviously not time yet and God's timing is WAY more important than having a date on Valentine's day. Even if I have to pray that prayer for 50 years in a a row [Oh Lord, have mercy], I will always pray, "God, YOUR timing." and mean it. I've seen relationships start in the wrong timing. It sucks! I don't want that! I want a relationship, a man that will eventually be my best friend, but I don't want that premature relationship that cripples you because things seem so right and so wrong at the same time. Everybody gets hurt, nobody knows how to really fix the problem, your parents say one thing, the other person says another and you want to do what both parties are telling you to do but you can't because they are exact opposite. Sometimes you stay with the person and feel like you can never really be yourself or you break it off and you feel like you can never really be yourself. I. Do. Not. Want. That.
HOWEVER! One day, I'll have that best man in the world that gives me an amazing Valentine's day and I can write him a love letter and dress cute and hold his hand and glow with happiness. I want that. And then we'll have some kids and Valentine's day will probably look like us in our sweat pants eating frozen burritos on the couch while the kids watch Veggie Tales. I want that too. Because my husband will be with me and I'll know that he loves me in so many other ways that getting dressed up for a date. There will be love letters and cute clothes but there will also be a deeper knowledge of love and each other. Maybe his main love language won't be quality time, maybe his highest love language is acts of service and the way I can most bless him is by doing something for him. He'll know that I'm not a big chocolate lover [I go through moods] and realize that a box of cookies is my love language. Our marriage won't stay at the level it will be on the day we get married, just like our bodies won't stay in the same shape. I hope that 20 years from now my husband and I can look at our wedding pictures and think, "Wow, we were so good looking back then but we didn't know a thing about love." and be glad that we know more about love even if our bodies don't look quite so young.
I suppose I should stop writing about my husband so people don't get confused. Or maybe I'll just explain. One day, I will be married. This man is a real person and one day I will stand before him and vow to be his wife. With this mind set, I have decided to set my heart on this nameless young man and not pretend like he doesn't exist. That's why I often refer to the man without a name as my husband already to remind myself that my wait is not in vain. It's for a real person.
That all being said, I don't have any big plans for Valentine's day this year. I'm sure my heart will play tug of war between being satisfied in Christ and that persistent feeling that has plagued me for years of wanting to know this beautiful thing people call being in a relationship. And I will pray that it is my last Valentine's day that I ever spend as a single girl. Not because I'm miserable, but because I know that there's a handsome young man that fits the description in my heart of the man of my dreams out there. Maybe he's praying that this is the last Valentine's day he's single too...

Love,
Me

This is me... crabby, confessing and comforted.

Dear Blogging Audience,

I'm an empty well right now. The emotions and thoughts I do have aren't exciting and my flourishing vocabulary is taking a vacation. And my 14 year old brother is being really annoying right now. With my school schedule as it is, the introvert in me is screaming. Right now even. Screaming loudly.
I suppose this is a good thing. I have to kill my flesh somehow. And yet, instead of embracing this chance to be loving and kind even though I don't feel like it, I am glaring at my brother. "I'm so wound up right now and I don't know why!" he says. I think my tongue is bleeding from biting it so hard. No, I did not make any snarky comments but about 5,000,000 tumbled into my mouth, ready for me to vomit out as soon as I gave it the green light. I suppose it is a small victory that I choked them all back.

*Sigh* I've turned on Phil Wickham and am feeling peace slowly seep into my discontented soul. Why so cranky? I suppose lack of sleep, lack of love for my major in school this semester and lack of alone time added together has created this beautiful new rendition of me. Glorious. Oops, that was sarcastic.

Please, don't think that the last few days have been exactly like this. I'm not completely wretched and miserable. There have been times where someone says exactly what my heart needed to hear and my heart leaps up and says, "Yes! Yes, I remember why I'm doing this now!" or I read the word and I feel the words soaking into my dry spirit. Something I've grabbed onto with both hands this week is the truth that yesterdays manna is not enough. Oh man, sometimes it's not not even enough to get through one day and I come back desperate for The One who satisfies me. I lay my heart bare, so weak and broken, so calloused and raw, so cold and hard, and I cry out from my very core. If there is one thing I have learned in this semester it is that my need to be satisfied goes deep and wide and long and high and in the very center is my cold heart and my small expectation to actually have that need met. One of the most beautiful verses to me at the moment is about God doing above all I can ask and imagine [Eph. 3:20-21]. I want to believe this verse. I want this verse to comfort me on sad days and encourage me on good days and amaze me every day. I don't believe it. Not yet I don't. So I just keep reading it and closing my eyes and trying to understand it. But I can't, praise God. I don't want to understand as much as I want to just believe. Just like I'm slowly beginning to believe that God's love is deeper and wider and longer and higher than my ache and my longing. My empty little life doesn't have a chance against this hurricane force. My mind is so shadowed and my thoughts are so dim. I used to think my imagination was something to boast about but if I can't even imagine a God that shoots His love into me to deep that I'm satisfied by this fountain of living water. No, I can't imagine. But I can know. I do know. Barely. One day fully.

Like I said, I'm an empty well. I'm no longer quite as cranky but then again, my 14 year old brother is finally doing his chores and is no longer saying everything that pops into his adolescent brain. I think the must frustrating thing was that his proud and selfish and sarcastic comments made me feel like I was looking in a mirror and it was painful. My weakness being paraded for all to see. I knew it too. Geesh, how could I not? Holy Spirit is very good at telling me what is in my heart because that's what real friends do. I can't even be mad. Even someone like me who pretends a lot of things can't ignore this mortal flesh that encases my dry bones and weary soul.

Love,
Me

Journey of Love

Who is this Beautiful Man?

The One who is shining like the sun.

His eyes are burning with passion and glowing with meekness.

His hands are scarred.

His side pierced.

His voice like the sound of thunder and the sound of a waterfall.

Who is this Beautiful Man?

This One that is clothed in light.

His countenance is majestic and humble.

His mouth is sweet.

Nothing but truth comes from Him.

From His heart, His mouth, His mind.

Such a radiant peace shines from His frame. 

Love overflows from His smile.

Joy pours from His heart.

Who is this Beautiful Man?

So different from every other man I've ever known.

When I look at Him I feel alive.

His passion for me stirs passion for Him and I cannot stay silent.

His feet run over mountains, through the wilderness, across the valleys.

I must follow Him!

Please, Let me stay with You!

My heart cries out.

Don't leave me here without Your beauty.

Your love.

Your peace.

Your safety.

I know that running over the mountains of life with You would be better than being here without You.

I know that following You into the season of loss and solitude is better than being here without You.

I know that finding You in choosing humility is better than being here without You.

Your beauty has touched something inside.

Something I didn't even know I had.

The deepest longing I have ever felt in my life is now awakened.

The strongest passion that my heart can handle.

A desire that surpasses that of ordinary love.

No.

This is Real Love.

Come back, oh Beautiful Man! 

You alone have the words of life!

You alone speak comfort to my soul.

You alone can calm the raging fears in my heart.

I see You!

You're looking in at me.

Your eyes are blazing, I can feel the heat.

Your face is shining, it's piercing the darkness around me.

Your hand is pressed against the window pane and I see, once again, the mark of love on Your palm.

"It was for you." 

I hear the whisper and my heart skips a beat.

"It was all for love."

Love is awakening inside of me.

"My desire for you carried me through to the end."

No one has ever loved like this man.

If I stay and He goes, I will surely die without Him.

Stay with me!

I cry.

"I cannot stay."

The voice breaks my heart. 

So tender.

So solemn.

I look around and realize that there is nothing of comfort that is worth keeping and losing Him for.

No friend, family, possession, position, house or plan.

Suddenly, I know what I must do.

Nothing can keep me here away from that Beautiful man!

Nothing!

I must leave all behind.

I must take the way of the cross.

I must take the way of suffering.

There is a whisper in my heart that knows a blessed hope.

This hope is that no pain in this life will be worse than the exchange of glory the next life will give me.

I choose You!

My heart finds freedom in the declaration.

I will run!

But wait... Where are You?

My heart aches.

The emptiness threatens to crush me.

My soul lay lifeless.

Giver of life, come back to me.

I can barely lift my voice. 

"Come away!"

An echo reaches me and I know who it is.

It is the Beautiful Man.

There is no question in my heart as I leave my comfort.

I leave all things familiar.

I let go of what I earned.

Nothing compares to that echo that is drawing me out.

All flesh is grass!

I know this world is not my home.

Even the days of my life are but a shadow in the infinitude of eternity.

Home?

Where is home?

"Come away!"

Suddenly, I know.

My home is with Him.

Here.

There.

He is my inheritance.

My portion.

My reward.

A small door is in front of me and I know the Beautiful Man is on the other side.

"Come away!"

His voice is louder.

I cannot get through the door any other way than to leave everything behind.

I say yes and push through.

Suddenly, He is there!

His eyes, His hands, His face, His beauty.

My soul drinks deeply of this Man.

Peace surrounds me, Love carries me, Joy fills me, Hope guides me.

On the mountains of life.

In the wilderness.

Deep in the valleys of humility where I am alone.

Soon my eyes will blaze like His eyes.

Soon my heart will overflow with love.

My face will shine.

My thoughts and words will be truth. 

Soon.

On the day when my faith is made sight.

On the day when my clay pot bursts to reveal the glory that is placed in me.

No more mirrors.

No more shadows.

Real Love.

Face to face.

Draw me away!

You have been faithful to my heart.

Draw me away!

Nothing compares to You.

Draw me away!

I want to be like you. 

Just like you.

Come, Beautiful Man. Come home.

"The Next Generation Is Coming Through Us."

Hello Blogging Audience,

Tonight at my Women's Captured meeting we had a phenomenal woman of God come and talk to us. The main topic of her message was women and the wounds on our hearts. She said many thought provoking and and true statements but one thing that struck me hard on the inside was when she said,

"Girls, the next generation is coming through us."

I never heard it phrased that way. It gave it such a sobering meaning. As a woman, I will be entrusted with the next generation coming from my womb and from my house. All through out history, since the very beginning of humanity, the next generation always came from the women.
On one hand, I'm honored to partner with God in raising up the next generation of men and women that will be history makers. But on the other hand, I'm terrified. I look around and see girls that aren't ready to be mamas. I see girls that can't even look someone in the eye because they have so little sense of self worth, how will this girl look at her beautiful daughter and say, "You're a princess." I see girls that dress like they've been treated- cheap. How will this girl raise a son who will respect women? I see girls that are still little kids on the inside, how will these girls be the authority and example that their children need? I see girls that think that fathers aren't important because they never had a father and the lie has blinded them from seeing the critical role a father has in the life of his son and daughter. How will her son grow up and be a man? How will her daughter grow up and know how to be in a trusting relationship with a guy?

These things are all common in my generation. Bitterness, unforgiveness, anger, jealousy, pride, self-pity, we ALL have these things in our hearts! And when we don't address them and take them to The Healer, we're going to raise a generation that says it's okay to be in an immoral relationship. They'll say it's okay to be mean, to be proud, to hold grudges, to put others down so that you feel better and to lie to cover yourself. I am not okay with this.

We, as women, must take our stand to be the example to the next generation. Whether it's your child or your sister's child or your neighbor's child or a child you see at wal-mart. Exemplify respect for elders, for your husband, for others in general. Go low and serve with a happy heart. Listen to them, encourage them, speak truth and identity over them. I want to see the next generation be the most God-fearing, truth loving, love giving and humble generation that has ever walk on the planet earth but they're not going to just be born like that. They're going to look to us as mothers, sisters, aunts, friends and people of authority. What we show them will be mirrored back to us. These little ones will come from us, our friends, our relatives, our neighbors and our peers. God wants to partner with us to raise a holy generation who will be filled with the Holy Spirit from the womb.

Jesus, show me how. Amen.

Love,
Me

Gut-wrenching sobs

Dear blog audience,

for those of you who don't know me, I'm a crier. I have no shame in my tears. If I'm upset, I cry. If I'm sad, I cry, if I'm lonely I cry, if I'm being touched by the Lord I cry, if I'm happy I cry. Sometimes it's only a couple tears and me getting choked up. Sometimes it's a longer time of tears where I need to be alone and feel what is in my heart. Rarely is it gut wrenching sobs. 

I think the first time I actually sobbed from the pit of my stomach was in 2009. The Fes Youth Group was having an all night prayer meeting and someone said something about how almost everyone in the youth group was going to be leaving. There were only two people in the room that had no plans to leave and one of them was me. I looked at the other girl and we shared a sad smile, knowing that we were the only two gonna be left and then I melted on the inside. The next thing I know, I'm covering my face as I feel my insides coming out as I sit there sobbing (loudly). My friend Derik wrapped his arms around me and I don't know how long I cried, but I think that was the first time I really let myself mourn the fact that so many important friends of mine were leaving. I had cried before and I had felt the pain before, but this was different. This shook the very core of my insides. That of course set off all the girls and soon we were all just a puddle of crying girls (And boys) as we prayed over each other. 

There were a few times that I cried like that again when we left Morocco. Most of them were by myself though. Alone on my bed, smothering my cries with my pillow. locked in the bathroom at 2am so that no one else would hear me, in an empty house laying on the floor because there was just no emotional strength to stand back up. The cries and the tears came from deep inside and I could feel the pain so strongly. It was actually physically painful in my chest. 

Well, it's been a while since I have had a session of gut-wrenching weeping. For one, I have had so much of my heart healed that the pain isn't as strong. And I find so much more comfort in Jesus. I've had tears and times of really feeling sad but nothing that touched the inside of my so deeply that the only way to let is out was to open up my emotions and cry with everything inside of me. Usually you can't plan these times either. They come because of something that someone says, does, implies... Something triggers your emotions and they just all come out. (unless you are emotionally constipated.) As you know from before, I've been emotional since school started this semester but I really haven't had anything bothering me that I felt like I just needed to cry it out. 

Someone once told me that I was very in tune with what my body was saying. Whether that is true or not, I totally missed this one. I went to service last night because I had an off night before I start babysitting for another family on Friday nights. During worship and ministry time, some friends and I began praying for each other. First it was just so that the Holy Spirit would increase, we prayed for healing for a couple of us and then the Spirit of Prophecy fell and we began to speak words of life and calling and destiny over each other. Lies were broken off, strongholds broken off, chains were broken off and we did this for an hour or so. God seemed to be highlighting one person at a time and so everyone would pray and prophesy over one person and then God would highlight the next one. I hadn't been highlighted yet and we were praying for someone else when my really good friend Kelly turned to me and said, "You are the daughter of God's joy. You are like His first born, His favorite one." from there she went on to say that it was so important that I keep interceding for the safety of the children at Village of Hope. I've never told anyone the burden in my heart for those kids and how I think about how many children in that area where they are get sexually abused and how I think about that they are now seen as orphans and not children with families to keep them safe. How protected will they be from being trafficked and sold into prostitution? The mountains where I used to live is known all the way on the Northern coast of the country for it's brothels. Those words that Kelly spoke over me, not even knowing how right on she was, made me cry. A few tears and a couple sniffles. But at the end she said, "I pray that you'll find a husband that will say to you, 'Hey, let's go on a trip and just go back and see those kids.' and that you would find a husband that would want to travel with you and take you places."

That's when the sobbing started. 

Now, I think about my husband a lot. A good portion of my day is spent praying and pondering about this man that is still a mystery to me yet already so connected to my life. I ask God about him often, just wanting to know more about this stranger whom I will marry. I am not anxious, but I am antsy. I fully trust the will of God concerning my love life (I mean, come on. He is the author of the greatest love story of all time.) but my "biological clock" is ticking. I'm excited to be a wife. I'm excited to have a family. I'm excited to fall in love with a broken and redeemed human. I want it to happen! What kind of person would I be if I didn't have the desire to be romanced? But I have my heart set on waiting for the moment that an upstanding young man talks to my father and says, "I don't want to live without your daughter." 

That being said, it surprised me how deeply the things that Kelly spoke over me went. I mean, yes, right now God has been speaking to me about a future mate but when Kelly began saying, "You're afraid this is going to happen and that your husband will be like that..." I felt something from the pit of my stomach cry out and say, "YES! I have been afraid! This is something that I was afraid of!" Sometimes lies go so deep that we don't even know they are there until someone calls them out and says, "This is a lie. This is truth. Walk in freedom." 

By the time Kelly was done, snot and tears were everywhere, my insides were trembling and I felt lighter. Sometimes when you weep so heavily, it takes time to get out of that feeling of sobriety. This time, though, I just stopped crying and was fine. Shaking, yes, but there was no turmoil in my soul. 

Sometimes I look back over my life and I wonder why God brings up certain things at certain times with certain people. For times like last night, I know it's another step closer to being a good wife that doesn't live in fear of her husband. It's another step in the right direction for a healthy marriage. How many more steps will there be? Who knows. But there will be more both before and after I get married. It's wonderful how God honors your choice to go through the journey when you fully surrender to Him. I know that learning hard lessons can be uncomfortable but I'd rather be uncomfortable than live in pride, unforgiveness, depression and lies. He uses things like people speaking truth over your heart to bring freedom to an area you didn't even know you had. He uses gut-wrenching sobs to take you into a place of deeper intimacy with Him. He uses weakness to glorify His name. It's so worth it.

Love,

Me

A day in the life of an IHOPU student [Class Cheers]

Dear blogging audience,

Last night I read the blog of a lady who had hundreds of followers and was amazed at how many updates she just did about life. I'm not going to fool myself into thinking that this blog will become a huge network of people with 300+ comments on each post but I figured giving you guys a peek into one of my busy days wouldn't hurt.

Thursday:
This morning I woke up happy. Not that this fact is all that uncommon but on a morning like this one, it could be classified as a miracle. In fact, last night when I wrote in my journal and grumped before going to bed,  I was anticipating having a crabby morning. I was ready to feel exhausted, unprepared for the day, discumbobulated [like here] and introverted but I really didn't. I woke up, I found clothes that matched, I grabbed the right books and got myself to where I needed to be at the right time. And I felt joyful. It was wonderful!
And today in class, we had a quiz which I "studied" for. (Defnition: read through the notes with a highlighter and high lighted the things that sounded cool.) and I only missed half a point. Not gonna lie, getting a good grade really boosts my happy level for the day. The rest of class wasn't a normal class. Instead of sitting and listening to our teacher talk, we were assigned study groups and a topic to discuss.  After discussing our topic for about half an hour, we all got back together and one or two people from each group went up and shared with the class what we found in our groups. The topic of my group was the Mercy of God. What a wonderful and deep subject. Mercy is communicable (an attribute of God that we can portray in our personal lives) but the more we talked about it the more transcendent it became. Mercy is an eternal attribute of God but how did He show mercy before creation? How will He show it after we've been redeemed? Those questions sparked something in my heart. I love that I will have all of eternity to study the mercy of God.

Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good!

    For His mercy endures forever.

Psalm 136:1

This afternoon was IHOPU chapel. Everyone goes. Freshmen through seniors, night watch and day watch, ministry students, music students, media students. Personally, I would put chapel in my top 5 favorite things about IHOPU. We all come together. We all love each other. I get to hug all the people I don't normally see and we hear from someone in leadership over IHOPU with a provoking and heart stirring message. But, the highlight (for everyone, no joke) are the class cheers. One of the top IHOPU faculty members always goes onto stage after worship and talks for a few minutes but before she leaves and lets the speaker come up, she asks, "Okay, you ready for the class cheers?" The order she picks us to do them is random, sometimes picking the freshmen first, sometimes the seniors, sometimes the cheer that she personally likes the best... Whichever way she does it, we all get excited. Now, the sophomores had the best class cheer the beginning of the last semester. [Yes, I am a sophomore.] The Juniors had created a call and response cheer and it was pretty good, but we took their idea and made a longer one. Last semester, the Freshmen tried to come up with a cheer that was good enough for our faculty member but she's picky and week after week would say, "Come on, Freshmen! Find something better!" (all out of love.) Sophomores got booted out of #1 spot earlier last semester by the interns that joined us during chapel. It was a sad day when they were given a standing ovation and the "Kings and Priests" were simply old news. Today we didn't have the interns and we had the director over all of IHOP-KC there as a guest speaker. Last week we didn't do cheers because the spirit fell the cheer lady was crying and getting ministry (don't worry, it was worth it.) so we were all stoked to do our cheers for the first time for the Spring semester today. Classes had literally been practicing and thinking about it all week because we were so excited. Announcements were finished and the speaker was about to start and a cry went up from the hundreds of students in the auditorium, "Class cheers! Class cheers!" The response was, "We don't want to take time from the speaker." "Oh, no. Go ahead." Our speaker smiled. "I want to see this."
The student body erupted into shouts of thanksgiving and we all sat in anticipation as our cheer director came onto stage and grabbed a mic. The order was decided and Freshmen were going to start. Now, the sophomores had walked into a Freshmen class cheer practice so I knew they had a boss class cheer. And, yes, I was jealous. I mean, so far we were still #1 in the IHOPU class cheer world because the internship wasn't technically part of school. Of course when the Freshmen do their little song and dance to start us off, the room explodes, they get a standing ovation and the cheer lady is ecstatic. FINALLY! They had come up with something that was worthy of being an IHOPU class cheer. I think every face was literally glowing, the freshmen were so happy. Then it was our turn. We did our cheer perfectly and sounded fierce but, honestly, after such an epic start, we didn't stand a chance. The upper class men got the, "Is that it?!" response so we ended big with the Freshmen again.

I remember when the Sophomores were asked to do their cheer twice. I remember when the sophomores were given a standing ovation. I remember when we were praised from the stage for having such an awesome class cheer. And as I sat through the speaker, I realized that that day was over. I knew that the "Kings and Priest" glory days were over. Sure, our cheer is awesome, but with all these new kids coming in, I know that the class cheers will simply get bigger and better until they get to be full length musicals. We'll look back and think about the current senior class and how their cheer is simply flapping their arms like "Angels in the Outfield." Last years graduating class sign was just the peace sign. And as I pondered this whole ritual called "Class Cheer" I realized that I was okay with not being known as the class with the best class cheer anymore. I'd rather be known as the class with the best attitude. I'd rather be known as the class that was the hungriest for the things of God. I'd rather be known as the class that went low to serve our classmates and faculty. Did I like having the best class cheer? Oh, absolutely! But thank God that going to IHOPU is so much more than just having the best cheer to wow everyone else at chapel once a week. It's about that reach in our hearts. I pick the deep things of God over a standing ovation.

Love,
Me